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FindingMyVoice #2141319 03/21/11 12:24 AM
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I ended up doing just that. I thought about what I wanted to talk about and we did this morning. I just asked her what she thought our next step should be and she wasn't entirely sure. She asked what I thought so I laid things out. Not an entire game plan but more like suggestions.

Surprisingly, it went pretty well. We didn't get into specifics but I know she wants to work on it and made me feel even more secure.

Somehow, we got to talking about something else though. It was about something I said 8 years ago. It brought up a little pain for her but mostly shock from me. I couldn't believe I said the words she said I did. I couldn't even remember the convo.

I reassured her that is not how I felt nor did I ever feel that way and apologized for all of it.

Later in the day, I emailed one of our friends who was there about the convo. She laid it all out on the line. I was a friggin pig. I couldn't believe that I said what I said. It truly hurt to hear what I had done to my W.

so even later today, W came home and was super supportive to me through this day. She's such a caregiver and remained very calm when I was nearly having a panic attack about this move. She soothed me instantly.

I then wanted to tell her about the 8 year old convo. I grabbed her and held her tight. She returned the favor as I let it all out. I said I never wanted to hurt her like that. Never felt like that, never intended that. I then told her how important she was to me and always has been. I treasured her and am only now being able to express it.

It was a good 2 minutes or so. She put her nose in my neck and held super tight. We haven't been that close in weeks. I think she needed it too.

After that, we chatted a little more and hugged again. We went right to the tight hug, no wimpy hug smile

There were a little bit of tears but no waterworks. She's a processor and I don't think she really got the full meaning of what I was saying. I'm sure she'll swallow it all in and feel like we've moved a big step further.

By the way, all of this was after some of the best snuggling we've done to date. I'm expecting a pullback (as it always happens) but to not let it bother me. That way, we can keep moving forward.

The rest of the day went pretty well.


m 40
w 38
married 15
together 18
d11, d8
bomb 12/19/10
2nd bomb 3/30/11
COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt #2141344 03/21/11 02:27 AM
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What a great post Bolt. I'm so glad you had such a successful talk.
Originally Posted By: Bolt

I said I never wanted to hurt her like that. Never felt like that, never intended that. I then told her how important she was to me and always has been. I treasured her and am only now being able to express it.

You know, that's really helped my H and I discuss hurts - past and present, too - acknowledging the hurt and assuring the other that it wasn't what was intended. Really seems to soothe the hurt. And how wonderful you told her how important she is to you. That will take you both a long ways. Good work, be sure to let yourself feel proud of your accomplishment, even if a little pullback happens.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FindingMyVoice #2141348 03/21/11 02:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
What a great post Bolt. I'm so glad you had such a successful talk.
Originally Posted By: Bolt

I said I never wanted to hurt her like that. Never felt like that, never intended that. I then told her how important she was to me and always has been. I treasured her and am only now being able to express it.

You know, that's really helped my H and I discuss hurts - past and present, too - acknowledging the hurt and assuring the other that it wasn't what was intended. Really seems to soothe the hurt. And how wonderful you told her how important she is to you. That will take you both a long ways. Good work, be sure to let yourself feel proud of your accomplishment, even if a little pullback happens.


FMV - thanks for the encouraging words. It's nice to hear from a woman too. I know she liked it but I did it more for myself because I don't ever want to be that guy again. The other thing I've learned is to tell her how important she is as much as I can.


m 40
w 38
married 15
together 18
d11, d8
bomb 12/19/10
2nd bomb 3/30/11
COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt #2141352 03/21/11 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted By: Bolt
The other thing I've learned is to tell her how important she is as much as I can.

You know, I think that's almost as important for a W to hear as ILY. I know a lot of folks think actions are so much more important than words, but IDK. I agree that words are pretty significant. My H said hurtful things to me 15 years ago that I could never get over until we went through everything since last year. So I figure, if I'm going to give my H words to remember, I'd rather they be positive ones, than negative!

Hah, that makes me remember a time last fall (?) when my H and I were walking our dogs. We weren't talking much, just walking along. I'd been thinking to myself (and feeling a little hurt and indignant about it) that he'd never tell me I was important to him. And then I realized - hey, I never tell him how important he is to me either!! So I just turned to him and told him so. Well, the expression on his face was priceless. His jaw kind of dropped and he said something like 'well how nice to hear!! And you are important to me too!' and gave me a kiss. Now that's the kind of thing I want to be able to remember for the next 15 years! smile


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FindingMyVoice #2141413 03/21/11 02:17 PM
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that is simply priceless. I think we all have to remember to do something like that. Do something WE'D like to hear. I would melt if my W said that to me right now.

FMV, the thing I'm afraid of now is that I can't heal those hurtful words I said. I'm scared that after all this time, I've scarred her so badly that I can't heal those wounds by being different, acting loving and respectful. Is it possible?


m 40
w 38
married 15
together 18
d11, d8
bomb 12/19/10
2nd bomb 3/30/11
COMPLETELY DONE
FindingMyVoice #2141414 03/21/11 02:18 PM
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All right.

Time for a 2X4. You are doing it again - the expectations.. I know, know how friggin hard it is. you may not think you are, but your post is pretty clear about it.

First, nice job on the talk. Those talks are critical. They can be painful, but that's not always bad.

Okay, back to the other stuff. You bomb was only dropped on you THREE months ago. And you are still wondering when that "stuff" is going to return. Heck, I remember a post you had 2 weeks post-bomb where you were wondering about ML.
You two need time to process this. What you call "chugging along" and "going with the flow", is working on the R. Our MC said people who have gone through this and are working on the R need times like these with no stress. They are important. Think about your convo, your wife has carried that around for 8 years. You are on 3 months.

I know everyone person and R is different. My W dropped the bomb in early Nov. She just started the physical affection in early March. In the last week's its become regular.

One suggestion, and I don't know if your W is open to it is MC. I know some people don't like it, but I think if you get a good counselor, it can be invaluable. Also, it gives you a set time/place to talk about the R. This is good if your W, isn't the talking type. it's also proves a regular check-in with each other and a third party. The MC can also provide insight and ideas on how to work on the M/R.

Also, you can keep the changes going with yourself as working on you helps your marriage.

Keep the pressure off your W. You have to have 100% faith it will come back and you have to 100% trust her that she will get there. I know it is tough as heck.

It's kinda like when you first had kids. Those first few months are rough, but once things settle down and you look back on it, the time didn't' seem that long at all. Oh, but when you were going through it, it seemed to never have an end. This may or may not help.

keep it up


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier #2141417 03/21/11 02:24 PM
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harrier, you are right in that I think there are some expectations by NOT having expectations but it doesn't bother me like it did in the past.

I guess this whole short timeline has really made our sitch extremely unique in that we are moving a couple of thousand miles away from my main work. That just adds to my stress which adds to the R's.

We are definitely going to MC. We were doing it here and then, mostly because of the expenses, we went separately. She has some issues to work on herself before we can work on ours.

for the most part, I have been taking the pressure off the W for the R. I can see that she's doing a ton of work and that it is hard. Our convo yesterday was very difficult for me but I think it is a huge step that will pay off down the road.

Right now, we're just working on moving. Everything else will happen after that.

I do look at your sitch for inspiration, though. I see what you had to go through and am preparing myself for that same road.


m 40
w 38
married 15
together 18
d11, d8
bomb 12/19/10
2nd bomb 3/30/11
COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt #2141426 03/21/11 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: Bolt
harrier, you are right in that I think there are some expectations by NOT having expectations but it doesn't bother me like it did in the past.


It's like seeing a cookie on the counter and say to yourself I do not want that cookie.

I hope I didn't come off as to harsh. I just know how it worked for me. it wasn't so much as NOT having expectations as it was not caring about it.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Bolt #2141431 03/21/11 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Bolt

FMV, the thing I'm afraid of now is that I can't heal those hurtful words I said. I'm scared that after all this time, I've scarred her so badly that I can't heal those wounds by being different, acting loving and respectful. Is it possible?

Bolt, I think it is possible. I tell you, over the years my H used to say some AWFUL things to me... our M problems were 'all my fault; that he wasn't sure he even wanted to marry me (for various reasons); plus the dismissiveness, criticism, judgement... it was pretty bad for a long time. But. And this is important. That's only one side of it. In a lot of ways I gave as 'good' as I got. I was not faultless. I had to understand that he was hurting as much from things that happened in the M, as I was. It just came out differently in him because he was a different person.

So I think that the combination of time, counseling, learning how to talk with my H differently, is what allowed me to heal from my hurts in the M. I guess what I'm saying is that she has a role in her own healing too. I'm glad you mentioned you're going to MC, and that she's going to get the opportunity to work on her own issues too.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Harrier #2141432 03/21/11 03:10 PM
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This has been my experience also. It's brutally hard.

And, by the way Harrier, this will be my new motto in tough times:

I do not want that cookie
I do not want that cookie
I do not want that cookie

(Glad to hear your sitch continues to improve)




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