Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

As Eric has so subtly pointed out, it has been awhile since my last post. A month actually. Wow. Hard to believe. Most of that actually has to do with the amount of time I've been working rather than an inability to get online. I've been able to keep up with a few sitches on the boards but not much else. Hopefully, October will be a little less hectic.

This last month has been a bit difficult. As I mentioned in the last post, H finally said ILY but then after that, he seemed to have some more anxiety attacks. He hadn't had any for a LONG time. So long that he actually didn't refill his anti-anxiety meds. The first big event was actually when I was working out of town for the weekend. He texted me to let me know. I kind of had the suspicion already. He tends to either not text me at all throughout the day or his texts seem different. So I kind of guessed he was messed up. As much as I know about MLC, it's still hard to not think "what did *I* do to cause this anxiety attack?" It's hard to not wonder "is there OW contact?" I really had to go back to my DB roots and find my center again. It turns out that weekend, I had rented a car to drive out of town. My car was getting pretty old and I wanted to test drive a few particular models, so it seemed like a good plan. Unfortunately, that meant that when I came back, H had to meet me at the airport so I could return the car and drive home. I texted him when I left and he gave me a quick OK. Then when I was about 1.5 hrs away I called him to coordinate when I planned to get to the airport and when he should leave to meet me. He didn't answer the phone so I left a message. About another 30 minutes later, I called again. Still no answer. It was at this point that I really got angry, frustrated, confused, hurt etc. I really needed him to be there to meet me. I didn't want to pay an additional day of rent. He knew I needed him there. But he didn't call. Once again, I had to really find my center again and go back to DB 101. When he was in the thick of MLC, he'd do things like that. So what did I always do? I figured something else out. Once, he was supposed to take me to pick up my car from the mechanic when it was done. I called and called and he never answered. So instead of letting the place close, I chose to just walk there. So there I was, in a similar situation once again. After going quickly through my anger, frustration, etc, I realized that he is still very broken. I signed up for this knowing this. I have every right to be disappointed, but anger won't solve anything. So once I arrived at the airport, I returned my car and opted to rent another one since I wanted to try out another model anyhow. Then I drove that car home. On the drive home, H finally called. He asked if I had arrived yet. I wasn't sure what he meant so just said, I'm leaving the airport. He asked if I had rented another car (something I had mentioned before) and I said yes. He apologized for not answering and said he had had a bad anxiety attack so had went walking in a mall by the airport and had left his phone in the car. I acknowledged the apology but didn't say "that's OK" because it wasn't. The call ended a bit short as I wasn't up to chatting much and he still seemed in the midst of his attack. Shortly after ending the call, he called me back. He said he felt the call ended to abruptly and wanted to make sure everything was OK. I told him I was OK but was hurt. I was essentially left at the airport to fend for myself. Fortuantely for me, I'm able to deal with that way better than before. But it still hurts. He again apologized and asked what I wanted for dinner and he'd pick some groceries up on the way home. In the end, it worked out OK. But his MLC still manages to pop up in the most unfortunate ways.

He's also seemed a bit more moody lately. There have been times where it's apparent that he's forcing himself to "be part of the family" when I can tell he'd much rather curl up in bed and be depressed. I don't like that because part of his problem in the past has been him "accomodating" himself to meet my needs rather than standing up for what he wants. On the other hand, what he wants is to curl up in bed and be depressed and he knows that's not healthy. But again, it's hard to not let his moodiness affect me. Detachment is so much harder when you live with someone.

As a result, I've found myself quite unhappy. There were a few days where I just went to bed early so I could get away from it all. One morning, H said something as I woke up and my frustrations just boiled over and I said something mildly snappy and got up. H realized things were not OK and came and talked to me in my office. He wanted to know what was wrong. Unfortunately, I couldn't really tell him WHAT was wrong. I was just sad and tired. I tried not to but I cried. H held me, told me he loved me and apologized for "being broken". I gave him my usual response for that which is "are you doing it on purpose?". Which of course he's not. So then I said " then don't apologize". But he apologized for making me sad. I really didn't want to do that. I spent too many years crying in order to get my way. I didn't always realize that was what I was doing. But I realize it now. So I didn't like that my tears were causing him to respond a certain way.

Anyhow, after that, things seemed to get a bit better. I had to take another out of town trip after that morning so I didn't see him again for another few days. When I got back, he said he really felt bad once he saw how sad I was and he really wanted to get better. I reminded him that making ME happy should not be his goal.

That brings us up to this weekend which happened to be our anniversary. I didn't ever bring it up. I thought about it many times, but again, it seemed weird. Last year on my anniversary, H was in the midwest with OW. I spent the day getting a massage, a mani pedi, and sat out on the beach with my dog. That evening I had a delicious fondue dessert with D. Sounds great but it was a really really really hard day. So any thought of this years anniversary kept bringing me back to last year. So I just didn't say anything or plan anything. And he never said anything either. The day prior, I texted him to ask if he wanted to do dinner the next day. He said "sure". I thought about asking "do you know why?" but I didn't. I let it be. On our anniversary, I got up before him and had errands to do. Once I got back, H and I were vegging on the couch together. He asked me if I could hand him a kleenex which was on my side. I leaned over and handed him one. At that moment, the dog was asking to be let back into the house so he got up and let the dog in. When he got back, we snuggled back together on the couch. He seemed tense and I got the sense that he wanted to say something. I was hoping he'd say happy anniversary or something. I planned on doing it at some point if he didn't. After a few moments, he asked me where my ring was.

For those of you who haven't followed my sitch, my H took his wedding ring off shortly after the bomb 21 months ago. I took mine off shortly afterward, mostly out of anger. At some point last summer, I realized I would not act AS IF I was not married and put it back on. Then H kind of woke up and said he'd come back. Then he kind of changed his mind. So at that point, I felt like I was starting to just pretend like I was married and was getting fed up, so I took my ring back off. And it's stayed off.

Anyhow, he asked me where my ring was. I was quiet for a bit trying to figure out if he meant my wedding ring. But since I couldn't imagine what else he might mean, I simply said, "in my jewelry box". He was quiet for a bit. Then he said, "I was thinking today might be a good day for both of us to start wearing them again". My emotions swirled. He remembered. And he was giving me something that meant a lot to the both of us. I always felt that by him taking the ring off, it meant it held a lot of meaning for him. So I knew this was a big deal. I hugged him hard. And despite trying not to, I got teary eyed. I kind of laughed and said "your making me cry". At that point, he handed me the kleenex he had asked me to get him. LOL! I blew up laughing. I found that hilarious! He said "if nothing else, that proves we are meant to be together!"

So here I am, typing this up while wearing my ring for the first time this year. I took my ring off for the second time in December. I'm not used to it anymore but I guess that'll change. His ring isn't even fitting him well. But we'll manage I suppose.

Once again, for any newbies (or oldbies) reading this, I can't emphasize enough the importance of patience. It was never something I was good at. But it is one of the many gifts H's MLC and learning DB has given me. It didn't GET me here, but without it, I wouldn't be where I am. H told me in November 10 that he would be moving back. It was 6 months later before he did so and even then he wasn't entirely ready. So many milestones are seemingly taking forever to get here. But they are coming.

Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with something my H mentioned. He said that when he was driving D home from school the other day, she mentioned that things are going a lot better this year compared to last. He said, you mean in school? And she said "no, the home stuff.". I was suprised she said anything since she's been completely mum about most of the separation and the reconciliation. So I asked him what he said to that. He said he said simply "yeah, sorry about that.". LOL! Understatement of the year much?

[TAMF]

Anyhow, he asked me where my ring was. I was quiet for a bit trying to figure out if he meant my wedding ring. But since I couldn't imagine what else he might mean, I simply said, "in my jewelry box". He was quiet for a bit. Then he said, "I was thinking today might be a good day for both of us to start wearing them again". My emotions swirled. He remembered. And he was giving me something that meant a lot to the both of us. I always felt that by him taking the ring off, it meant it held a lot of meaning for him. So I knew this was a big deal. I hugged him hard. And despite trying not to, I got teary eyed. I kind of laughed and said "your making me cry". At that point, he handed me the kleenex he had asked me to get him. LOL! I blew up laughing. I found that hilarious! He said "if nothing else, that proves we are meant to be together!"

This almost made me cry with you! Everything you have been through, and you have been so patient. Happy Anniversary ALB!!!

[Albuquerque]

Update,

Wow, can't believe I may have to start a new thread soon. Anyhow, a few things have happened since my last update.

Things continue to go mostly well at home. We recently took a short weekend trip with D and had a good time. However, on day 1, towards the end of the day, H seemed very upset all of the sudden. Once we got to the hotel room, I could tell he was extremely anxious and could see he had something to tell me. I asked what was up. He told me that as we were leaving to go back to the hotel that day, x-OW had texted him. I said OK. He then told me that she had told him that in order to get closure, she was going to send ME a whole bunch of correspondence etc between them. I told him quite simply that if I got an email like that, I'd simply delete it. He seemed relieved. I also told him that I felt that behavior like that was kind of bitchy. He agreed that it was VERY bitchy. I also told him that I didn't believe it in the first place. Doing that would not result in any type of closure. H seemed to relax some but it was clear he was still very bothered and didn't even eat dinner that night.

That night, I ended up having bad dreams about the whole thing and did a lot of thinking. I admit, getting to see correspondence between them is extremely enticing. Who doesn't wonder what their spouse said/says and did/does with the OP. But the more I thought about it the more I knew that my original response was the right one. I KNOW my H didn't say nice things about me because he didn't say nice things about me to my face. I'm sure any conversations about me between them were unpleasant. And I already know they had a relationship so I'm sure their interactions were all lovey dovey and, at least in her case, she was sure they were bound for marriage. So nothing good would come of my snooping anyhow.

Needless to say, even though we had fun the next few days, I flinched a little every time I saw I had email. Fortunately, nothing arrived. I asked H, while we were on our way home, whether he had heard from her again. He hadn't.

Anyhow, I had to work the day after arriving home. When I arrived home, H was clearly in a funk. We had an uncomfortable dinner and then he said he needed to take a walk. I let him have his space. When he returned, although I was dying to know what was up, I didn't pry. I knew he'd tell me when he was ready. Later that evening, he simply said "Did you know it costs $5 a month to block a number?". I said, "why are you blocking a number?". He then explained that x-OW had texted him again today. She was claiming that she had left her phone at a friends house and that the friend went through her old texts and decided to text H about sending me stuff and that it wasn't really her at all. I said "that sounds dubious". He agreed that it sounded very dubious and that he'd finally had enough of the nonsense and opted to just block her number. I told him I was sorry he had to deal with that. He simply said "the gift that keeps on giving".

That evening, I pulled up an email account I hadn't checked since before our weekend trip. It's not one I use a lot and is more for impersonal correspondence. To my surprise, one of my emails was from twitter, alerting me that x-OW was now following me. I was surprised. The date on it was the same date as when she was texting H about sending me stuff. When I pulled up twitter, she was not listed, so she must have cancelled that. When I showed H, he said, you can block her if you need. And then said that the same thing had happened to him. I'm not sure whether she was just very drunk that night, or if her story was true. However, even if her story was true, per H, she didn't seem that concerned that other people were sending him texts like that.

Once again, as I mentioned previously, her blocking and unblocking me on FB are noticed since she shares a name with my sister in law. I saw she had unblocked me again and, out of curiosity, went to her page which I've been to before. However, this time, she noticeably had added a picture of her and my H together. And she had done so within the last week. Not that I'm saying its a new picture. But clearly, he's still on her mind if she's adding pictures of them together. I informed H that night of the new picture and he went to her page to verify. He simply said "looking back, this is all just so stupid".

Anyhow, despite the recent x-OW turmoil, our relationship has been going very well. We seem to be reconnecting in a very real way. He told me the other day that he is refilling his antidepressants, but then will be working on weaning himself off of them. As he put it (and I swear these words came out of his mouth), when this all started he felt like he lost himself. And that in his confusion, he ended up blaming me for things that had nothing to do with me. And that he never felt so lost and confused and out of control. But recently, he's felt like he's been finding himself again. And as a result, he feels like he can start weaning himself off of his drugs.

Hopefully that process goes OK. I know that going off the drugs can result in mood swings and hypersensitivity, so we'll have to see what happens. As for me, I admit I've been having to work hard at not falling back into old patterns. It was easy to establish a new routine when H wasn't there following old routines. But because of my actions, he's ended up joining me on some outings and meetings and seems to have gotten quite a lot of enjoyment out of them.

I'll leave you with another funny statement my H said the other day on FB. It was about a year ago that H started to come out of the fog. Unfortunately, he was still too much in the fog to even choose to come with me to my brother's wedding (and they are very close). A mention of the anniversary was made on FB. H posted "Happy anniversary! Sorry I was busy being crazy and missed it!"

At least he can find some humor in this whole thing!

[angel61]

Happy Anniversary!

so happy for you. Piecing is hard .... at this point most of us start to feel that failure is not an option....yet its so easy to forget about DBing....

i like it when you use DB to finding your center. i do that too, now that my H has told me openly that he is staying in the M, I find myself starting to expect an also going back to old ways.... I have to consciously remind myself.

[Albuquerque]

Update,

Things continue to progress but as expected, other things keep popping up every so often. The latest bump in the road has been H's attempt to wean himself off antidepressants and antianxiety meds. They are not without some side effects and he felt good enough on them to try and lower himself off. Unfortunately, it is having an effect. In fact, I think he tried to go too quickly off his antianxiety meds and it ended up bringing back some anxiety attacks and such. As a result, I recommended he might want to slow the rate of his decrease. Yes, he should be doing this per doctor's orders. But he doesn't want to make an appt just for that and I'm not going to badger him about it. Since I do have medical training (just not in humans), I at least have some reasonable insight into how to guide him. But it's ended up causing me to have to deal with some things again that have long since gone. When he's having anxiety issues, he kind of retreats into a shell and doesn't pay much attention to me or D and can be moody. So it's kind of been a rewind of sorts in having to remember how I dealt with it before. Here of late, though, it hasn't seemed too bad. We've talked about a need for him to have an "outlet". He needs something to "do" to help him when he's having his issues. Whether it's running or a hobby or something. He said that I'm his "outlet". I told him that it wasn't a good idea to use another person as their outlet. He seemed to get my point and as a result, HAS seemed to be getting back into some hobbies that he hasn't done for awhile. I think it is helping somewhat. He's had a tendency recently to use alcohol as an "outlet". As a result, he often ends up acting very stupid around D. I mentioned this to him the other day and stated that it was getting harder and harder for me to be supportive of his attempts at getting better if he continually makes self destructive choices with alcohol. He agreed with my point and also agreed that he often used alcohol as an escape mechanism. Since them I've seen him do that a lot less. So there is some forward momentum.

Nevertheless, we continue with our traditional weekly sushi and sake night. During a recent dinner, he had way more sake than normal. The next morning, I found his phone on the floor in the living room, attached to the charger. As I put it on a table, I clicked it on just to see if there was anything obvious on it. Much to my surprise, there was a message (via a social networking site) that was on the screen from x-OW stating "Sorry, I feel asleep". I didn't dig any further and didn't snoop through his phone. It was just one of the popup messages. While it upset me, I realized there could be a good explanation for the message. When I went back into the bedroom, I simply stated that there was a message from x-OW on his phone. He got up and retrieved his phone. Much to my dismay, he never said anything else about it. We had to accompany D to a district game that day and I gave him time to perhaps explain the message. I was courteous and all but it was really bugging me. The fact that he may have been contacting x-OW while drunk at night should bug me right? Unfortunately, no explanation came and it was clear that H could sense I was upset. He responded by trying to be super sweet and cuddly but I just wasn't having it. After D's game, we had lunch and I just had to get out of the house. I went and ran some errands and then did some geocaching (which I've found is a great way to get some fresh air and get out of the house). I really needed to think. I was bothered that he didn't explain himself. But then again, if I was bothered, why didn't I just say so. I was upset with myself as well. I shouldn't expect him to be making sure I'M Ok. If I'm not I should say so. Yet again, I was blunt about knowing about the x-OW contact and he didn't even try to explain. I went around in circles in my head. Finally I texted him to ask if he knew why I was disturbed. He responded by saying that it was probably because he got drunk last night and was dragging all day today. AHA! Once again, making assumptions is always a bad thing. Here I assumed he would understand that x-OW contact would disturb me. Yet when asked, he really had no clue. So I asked him if me finding x-OW messages the night after he was drunk shouldn't disturb me?

H: "Ah. I didn't realize one could still send messages via (social networking site) if you weren't friended. I have added (social networking site) to my blocked list"

Me: "What did the message mean?"

H: "She messaged me earlier in the day. I replied but didn't get a response. She was apologizing for falling asleep and not messaging me back. I didn't reply to that and have blocked her"

I didn't respond to that since I had to pick up D again from school. But it made me think a lot. Do I need him to tell me every time she contacts him? I kind of want to know, but then again, it seems kind of petty. He is dealing with it as best he knows and he knows that issue bugs me so he was leaving me out of it.

Once I got home, we had a much deeper discussion. As he put it, x-OW is in a very bad place personally right now. I'm not sure if she's completely divorced yet, but she is living in our metro area and her XH and son are living in another town 2.5hrs away. So she went from having a family and a larger house with land, to a small place with no family, living alone and working too much. I guess she is looking to H for a shoulder to cry on.

H then made some comments that I thought were very insightful and made me think a lot. He said that no matter what ended up happening with us, he doesn't think it would have worked out between them anyhow. He said he thinks she was/is just as broken as he was. And the two of them just ended up drowning together and that wasn't making for a good relationship. He said that I offered him a way out. I was a life raft to him. He said that despite everything, I never gave up on him. And as a result, he's struggling with the fact that since she's in the same position, so to speak, he feels it would be bad to give up on her in a way. She was there for him when he was going through a lot of issues and he feels bad that he can't be there in the same way. He knows he can't. He realizes that contact between them wouldn't be good. But at the same time, he feels douchy just abandoning her in a time of need.

As much as I hate to say it, I couldn't disagree with some of his points. I see the dilemma. But I can also see that H is doing the best he can to extract himself from that whole issue. The big issue, as we discussed, is that I think she's still holding a candle for him in a way and he agrees. Probably a good sign that she's not dealing with reality very well right now and may be in a type of MLC issue herself. It's sad really. And it seriously made me think about ways of still trying to be humane and not leave another person to suffer alone while realizing there have to be certain barriers in place.

It's given me a lot to think about to say the least. I know that H can't "fix" her anymore than LBSs can fix their spouses. The broken person needs to seek out that recovery on their own. But as we know, having others to talk to that are going through similar issues can be enormously helpful. Strange topic. I'd be interested in other people's thoughts.

[Albuquerque]

Well it's been about 2 months since my last post. There are several reasons for that. My work schedule has been crazy. We are trying to get ourselves out of debt so any chance that I get to work, I take. Makes finding time for other things difficult. Second, H and I have combined our offices into one (for a reason I'll explain in a bit). So if I'm on the computer, he's right next to me. So there's no way I'd pop onto the forum for a little reading.

Overall things are going well. Still some bumps along the way, but good. We tell each other we love each other a lot. A whole lot. Way more than we ever did. And I think we mean it (at least I do) more than ever. That being said, he's still got issues that make things difficult. His attempts to wean himself off antidepressants and antianxiety meds didn't go well so he restarted. He plans to try again but not for a while. The other issue is that he has/had/still has a tendency to drink too much. One evening over the holidays, I went to bed. He stayed up with D waaaay late into the wee hours of the morning. He was drinking. They were outside the bedroom and I could hear him having a deep discussion with D. And while it was good, he was mildly slurring and it was obvious the only reason he was saying as much as he was, was because of the alcohol. He even came dangerously close to saying too much about x-OW (while trying to explain why long distance relationships don't work well). It pissed me off. I got up briefly and let him know discretely that I didn't appreciate him having a drunken conversation with D. He got mad. And continued the conversation after I went to bed. He also proceeded to send me several emails that were more condescending than the next. In the last one, he essentially told me to f*** off because he was having a way deep conversation with D and if I didn't get it that was too bad.

The next morning, I said nothing to him and went to work. I didn't want to overreact but knew that his actions were uncalled for. I did nothing wrong. I thought about it a lot. Then simply responded to his last email (in case he didn't even remember sending it). I stated that his attitude was rude and uncalled for. I also stated that he drank too much, drank alone, and it needed to stop. I didn't yell, blame, react etc. His response was calm and apologetic. He agreed that was rude and totally uncalled for. It started a conversation about what to do moving forward. Since then, things have seemed better. He seems to be drinking less. But I also know he's still drinking every so often. While I don't totally have a problem with that, he seems to be trying to hide it from me, or at least doing it on the down low. Not sure about that. He knows he uses alcohol as an escape mechanism.

As of right now though, he will be gone for about 2 weeks. This is the time of year where he has to work at a conference in a nearby town. Last year at this time, although he claimed to want to come back to me, he was acting weird. And x-OW (who last year was still kind of OW) was working at the conference with him. So it was really awkward. This year, he's moved back, our relationship seems to be doing well, and x-OW is NOT working at the conference due to cutbacks. Since she is in the same profession as me though, she WILL be attending the conference over the weekend. And she is good friends and drinking buddies with 2 of H's good friends/coworkers. So a reunion of sorts is inevitable. Kind of makes me nervous, but kind of not. I saw a lot of her last year. I hope I don't this year since I will also be there over the weekend.

Otherwise, things are good. D15 is still a handfull but she's 15. I'm still taking pole dancing lessons although not as many as I'd like due to my work schedule. But I did install a pole in my old office (that's why I had to move into H's office) so I can practice at home when I want. It totally creeps D15 to know her mom has a pole. I love it! I'm still not very good but may try to make a short routine to send to H while he's away.

While things are good, I try to refocus every so often on me and what got me here. It's easy to fall back into old routines. I've realized that I don't do as many outings with D as I used to because H is at home and often sleeps late (he works late). I need to figure that out because I really enjoyed having a more active life and feel like I'm letting him (unintentionally) hold me back again. Can't do that. I've also caught myself sometimes getting into whiny mode every so often. Dont' like that. Like him, I'm also a work in progress. I've learned so much. The pain has been great, but the results have been worth it.

[TAMF]

Alb - it is so good to hear from you! We need to really catch up. I read your post and I smile and shake my head...you did it. you really did it! I know that it is still hard and you have to work at it everyday, but wow. You outlasted his MLC. Congratulations! I like that you are still stopping to reflect and make sure you don't fall back into old patterns. Very healthy.

I pray your marriage becomes stronger than ever. If anyone can do it - you can!

[angel61]

Hi Alb, Good to see your update. You are my model for patience. I am also now in piecing, and sometimes I get impatient and expect too much. I forget that my H has had an MLC and the journey back is also rocky.

For me, it seems like the anger and resentment tends to come back more strongly now, and an certain expectation for my H to make up for what he has done makes me feel frustrated. Reading your sitch makes me realize that they still have a lot of demons to battle.

Keep it up, and come back and post once in a while!

[kml]

His attempts to wean himself off antidepressants and antianxiety meds didn't go well so he restarted.

FYI - sometimes people will have a rebound effect when they stop antidepressants. It doesn't always mean that they have to take them - sometimes it just means they have to wean down more slowly.

I recommend no more than 10% decerease in dose PER WEEK when weaning patients off these meds. If his anxiety meds are valium or xanax related, it may take even longer.

[Albuquerque]

TAMF, we definitely need to catch up. Perhaps after the conference I'll give you a call. Thanks for your kind words!

Angel, I need to catch up on your sitch. But from the little you've said, you still have a lot of work to do on yourself. You must come to accept that life isn't fair. There isn't any "making up" that he can do that would ever "make it up" is there? He's battling his own demons on a daily basis. That's not easy. And it sounds like he's made a commitment to you despite the fact that he has to battle daily demons. Despite needing to work on the marriage, don't lose sight of the work you need to do on yourself. He needs YOU to be the healthy and stable one. Be that.

KML - Thanks for your input. He did start weaning a bit quickly in my opinion. He (of course) did it on his own without his doctor's input. I could've been a whiny beeotch about that lack of oversight but he quickly realized he was in over his head on his own. I kept my mouth shut. Unfortunate life lesson for him. Once the conference is over he plans to try again. Hopefully this time with doctor supervision!

As of tomorrow, I will be at the conference with H and know that x-OW will be milling around. I promise to be back next week with a follow up. I also promise to dress and look super good all weekend