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Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing

This is a LONG road, regardless of how it comes out; and there is much to be learned along the way...some within yourself and some from others who have walked this way before.

Take care. smile


HB,
I hear what you are say and both of the posts above. I know very little about OW except this:

Her 1st H was an alcoholic and she left him.
Her 2nd H died about 18months ago (A with H started 8months after his death)
Apparently 2nd H was drug addict who smoked pot every night.

All of these things are what H has told me and who knows if any of it is true. I have no idea if she is a serial OW, but I do know, she went into a R with my H fully aware of his being married and having a family.

I have done alot of research myself and know how this affects H and when he decides to return it will be a long process for H to deal with to break the addiction. I do believe that is what this A if, an addiction to the "feelings" that come with it. This is the spiritual warfare that is raging within H. I believe my and everyone's prayers for his will eventually defeat the devil's A plan, but the devil with fight with the addiction part. Again, I believe that prayer will help with too. All in all, I feel that the OW is not an issue for me. Do I feel pain and hurt by her actions with H, yes, but I really don't waste too much time thinking on her, but spend my time praying for H mostly.

I hope you keep watching my thread and posting to me. I value the insight you have to offer and feel that God brought to my situation to support and help guide me thru what He wants me to do.

Thank you!


Lorie
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When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Lorie and HB -
I am okay with the fact the book may not be right for your situation. I found a lot of strength from his words on setting boundaries.

I sometimes feel as though I drift through this forum trying to find some idea of what I'm really dealing with. I pray, I try to behave in a Christian manner. Have I handled this situation the right way? I don't know. Have I not let God's words guide me through this journey? I think I have but I'm not sure. For whatever reason the man I have loved and cared for - the man who I have supported and genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with wants absolutely nothing to do with me and has demonstrated not an ounce of remorse or concern for me and the kids. Is my situation different from everyone else? I don't know.

My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.

I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.

IB


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Originally Posted By: irishblessings

My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.

I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.

IB


IB,

Here is my Christian 2x4 --
If you really believe in this covenant, then you have to believe that God will restore your marriage. If you believe God will restore your marriage, then you must let go and let God! You must forgive with all your heart to let go of the anger. God will give you peace. Does it mean you will have less sadness or pain? No! But if you praise God in everything, including his promise to restore your marriage.
Have you been to the Rejoice Marriage Ministry page? Google it, and it will help you to find strength in your stand. These are the things you can do! Let God work on your husband, and ask God to help prepare you and your heart for your husband's return. God has really helped me with learning about myself and the kind of wife God and my husband need me to be.

I am praying for you IB, get out of your head and give it to God! Be thankful for all the things you do have and will have!

Lots of (((HUGS))) and prayers going out to you.


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Lorie - yes I read the Rejoice site every day. I pray for God's mercy and guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for my H - that God will find his way back to my H. In the meantime - I have tried to demonstrate my commitment by keeping the family going - by being strong for my kids.
Thanks for your guidance! You sound as though you are in a really good place.
IB


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IB,

You are welcome and I am glad that you are praying and reading the site. You will find peace in letting go and letting God do the work. I will remind you that this is in God's time. You said your H was raised and your marriage was through your faith. That means your H has that base of faith deep down in there and praying for H will help God fight against satan. I have a great example of marriage restoration in my own family. My brother and SIL divorced for 5 years before they got back together. I look at them and realize God does keep his promises as long as we trust HIM!


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
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When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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HB & Lorie,

I've found inspiration in both of your postings. Thank you for sharing.

I'm asking God to guide me this week if I ever get the chance to talk to H. He mentioned filing last week, the first time in 3 months. His relationship w OW seems to be cooling on the surface, but of course I can't be sure. It would be wonderful if he broke that up on his own.

I've laid this at God's feet repeatedly, and I hope I am following His instructions. My dying mother has played such a part in what I hear God saying, that I wonder if she is still hanging on to be an instrument in this R. Time will tell.

IB, I also get discouraged. My H and I made a promise before our wedding day to never D, because we had seen the destruction done to each of our sisters. When I reminded him of that this summer, he only said people change and he couldn't keep that promise anymore. :-(

I pray for all of us here.

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Nic,
Thank you for your kind words. Being able to help others is an answer to prayer.

Originally Posted By: nic1

I'm asking God to guide me this week if I ever get the chance to talk to H. He mentioned filing last week, the first time in 3 months. His relationship w OW seems to be cooling on the surface, but of course I can't be sure. It would be wonderful if he broke that up on his own.

I've laid this at God's feet repeatedly, and I hope I am following His instructions. My dying mother has played such a part in what I hear God saying, that I wonder if she is still hanging on to be an instrument in this R. Time will tell.


Ask God to guide you daily in your words and thoughts. This way you can be your own testament and light to those around you. I pray that I am the vessel in which His love shines so brightly I draw others to Him, especially my H. When I feel compelled to speak to my H about our R, which is rare, I ask that the Lord send his Holy Spirit down upon me to speak the words God wants me to speak.

I do believe the DB way of NOT talking about R or D is God's way of allowing Him to do his work. Do not bring up R talk with H, if H brings it up, pray for guidance to say what God wants you to say, this will help to not speak emotionally.

If you have laid your marriage at the Lord's feet repeatedly, then you have not truly given is over to Him. Let go Nic, TRUST and BELIEVE that God is working everyday to restore your marriage. You will find so much more peace. Remember, that our time is not God's time, this could take months or years. Patience, Patience and more Patience is one of the things asking of you while you are on this journey. The other thing he is asking you to do is to prepare yourself for the return of your spouse. Again, when DBing you should be looking within, because the only person you can control is yourself. By looking within and changing yourself for you and God is not only beneficial to you, but also prepares the way of marraige restoration.

Originally Posted By: nic1
IB, I also get discouraged. My H and I made a promise before our wedding day to never D, because we had seen the destruction done to each of our sisters. When I reminded him of that this summer, he only said people change and he couldn't keep that promise anymore. :-(

I pray for all of us here.


My H and I too said the same thing about never getting a D as we both believed no matter what was happening around us, we would always be able to discuss and solve our problems. I don't even know if my H remembers this, because as I am learning, he has had a lot of resentments going on that I never knew about, because he never brought them up to discuss.

I too am praying for us all here.


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
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When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Here is a great blog article I found. I hope it helps others!

Living Out Truth, Not Just Talking About It.

Blessings!


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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IB and all,

Quote:

I sometimes feel as though I drift through this forum trying to find some idea of what I'm really dealing with. I pray, I try to behave in a Christian manner. Have I handled this situation the right way? I don't know. Have I not let God's words guide me through this journey? I think I have but I'm not sure. For whatever reason the man I have loved and cared for - the man who I have supported and genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with wants absolutely nothing to do with me and has demonstrated not an ounce of remorse or concern for me and the kids. Is my situation different from everyone else? I don't know.

My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.

I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.


From what I've read; you are and have been doing all you can do to hold things together.

While I agree with Lorie about marriage being a covenant; I also understand that we cannot "make" the MLC'er return to the marriage; IF that is the place and decision THEY come to within the crisis.

One of the most PAINFUL things that I remember; was when the Lord showed me that He would not tamper with free will; and I was to let him go; letting God work on him.

He further showed me that this could go EITHER WAY; and I would have to be OK with however this could go.

I remember asking Him if husband left me; would all the work I had done on myself; would be for nothing; and He answered; no, of course not; that I would have gained the tools to take into a new relationship IF it came to that.

I was uncomfortable with what He showed me at first; then I began to understand that I could not "make" him love or want me; if he didn't.

And during the crisis; I experienced having been treated, talked to, and regarded no better than the dirt on the floor to be walked on. I KNEW he didn't love me during that time; he was incapable of love of ANY kind...not even of himself.

I questioned myself many times, the wisdom of standing for a man who clearly didn't care anything for me; and the Lord always said I was unable to see the INSIDE of him; nor could I see inside of the situation; ALTHOUGH I was right there.

The Lord was right; and He instructed me to do things at certain times; even though things didn't look, feel, smell or taste right..but He instructed me anyway.

Things got much worse before they got better; I was instructed to be kind to him; although distant; and to be consistently loving EVEN when he was NOT.

This was hard to do; because the first thing you want to do is return bad for bad; anger for hurt; and He instructed me to stay calm when dealing with husband....to show him nothing, no feeling, just a matter of fact calmness; as well as treating him as kindly as he would accept; and when he got angry; walk away after letting him know I would not put up or accept his attitude toward me.

That boundary just like all others, was for ME; and I enforced it many times during the crisis.

His mood swings; I learned to let slide off my shoulders; like water off a duck's back.

His threats to leave I dealt with by simply letting him go; and telling him he knew where the door was; IF that was what he wanted to do.

Each person is different, just as each crisis is different; I let many things slide; because they were NOT that important to address at the time they happened.

You know, it looked like I was letting him "get away" with so much; but really I wasn't; he wasn't accountable to me, exactly; he was accountable to GOD, long before me.

God dealt harshly with him for everything he did and said that was disrespectful...there were times when I set the boundaries; and GOD enforced them.

It was later in the crisis after the affair; and OW Withdrawal was over with when the Lord instructed me to hold him accountable for his actions/behavior toward me.

I also had to stand against him wanting to just forget all that happened; and go on with our lives AS IF nothing had ever happened.

I would not and could NOT let it all go; the Lord backed me on it; speaking through me to my husband each time I spoke to him.

I was warned that if I agreed to this; it would happen again...it would only be a matter of time; and the SECOND time would be worse than the first.

I didn't know how long ANY of this was going to go on; but I knew God could be trusted with the outcome; and I held onto Him with everything I had.

The most important things I ever did during his crisis; was walk my journey; let go, let God work, and leave him behind to either catch up or not.

I detached completely; and after truly seeing myself for what I had been, I also saw clearly the man he was at that time; and the man he had once been..and my love dissolved to the point that only commitment held me in place.

I knew I could fix me; but could NOT fix him; only God could do that; and if he didn't become the man he was supposed to become, I had NO need of him.

I finally reached the point after some time, that I KNEW I would be OK, with or without him; and I accepted either way this would go. Once I did that, God was able to work on him more effectively; working within him in ways that I could have NEVER done; if it'd been just me.

There came a time when I let him go in every way possible; physically, mentally, and spiritually; and simply went on with my life.

I prayed for the Lord to work within his heart to increase the spark of love that was still there for me; and I prayed for the Lord to deal with him. I once told him that I wanted him to be happy, EVEN if it wasn't with me.

Then I let it all go into the hands of the Lord...and this is always easier said than done. You think that if you don't keep yourself "out there" for the MLC'er; they will forget you; but this doesn't happen.

You are there; even when you're not there with them; no matter how they act; you are STILL there within their minds; how could you NOT be?

The connection, however tenuous is STILL there until broken by either the MLC'er OR you. There's HISTORY there, there's many years of togetherness there, and it torments them with guilt and shame. They KNOW what they once had within the marriage; but it seems so far away during their time in the tunnel.

The divorce is a further demand for space; and they THINK that if they can end the marriage, their pain will ALSO end...but it won't; if anything; it should increase.

Once they discover their pain hasn't ended with getting a divorce; they must figure out what WILL end the pain; and SOME at this point, begin to look within; but some will continue to search.

I cannot say whether you have truly let go and let God work, only YOU could answer that question.

In many ways your situation is different because it is unique to you, alone; but in many others ways it is the same; because of the SAME problem; issues within the husband, the change of feelings due to deep emotional pain, and the inability to look within(at least at this time); and the penchant to become rebellious; and the feeling of being "entitled" to just do whatever he wants without retribution.

Now, I don't ever say MLC is an excuse for bad behavior; but I do know at certain times; and at the deepest point of rebellion; NOTHING will work; not boundaries; nothing, except letting him go to make his mistakes.

And through those mistakes, to hopefully discover on his own that the best thing he ever had has been in front of him this whole time. And it's NOT the OW.

He's out searching for something; but it is unknown exactly WHAT he is searching for...and since he won't look WITHIN, the answers he's seeking won't be found in outside sources.

Self discovery can be a long drawn out process within the MLC'er; and who knows when they will exhaust the many avenues of escape they can try?

Only GOD knows when this will be; and only He knows when and if this will end.

I won't cite averages or numbers, because I don't know any; I've known people who survived the crisis; coming through together; and I've known some where their marriages ended...the damage was too much; and forgiveness couldn't be extended or accepted.

And I know some who are still there within the tunnel; fighting the demons within them; and no end in sight.

The only things I ever knew was to listen to the Lord; who has infinite wisdom, grace and mercy; follow His instructions to the letter, and to be able to accept either way this goes.

Time, patience, and fortitude serves one well as the crisis wears on; and the knowledge that it takes TIME to come through.

And even IF the MLC'er decides to walk away; know within your own heart that you did all you could do; including your journey to wholeness and healing.

The point is to let go, and let God work; in the meantime, live your life; and trust in Him for the outcome.


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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HB,

Well said and much food for thought. I can't thank you enough for continuing to post to my thread. It helps me to discern many things God is telling me. God is working through you and I am thankful to Him and you for helping me to stay on the right path!

God's Blessings!


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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