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Just updating --

So, H came over Wed night to show me how to use the grill and we cooked dinner together and had a good time together as a family. This weekend was H time with D16. Again, he planned to stay at our home. D16 was on a trip on Friday and would not be back until very late. H didn't show up to stay at the house until 9:30pm. I was already in bed due to getting up early the next morning for my own fun day. I was still awake so H comes in and sits on the bed and we talk about how things are going at his work. Then as we were chit chatting, I asked him if he thought I was too independent or too needy during the past couple of years of our marriage. (Yes, I know, bad Dbing, but I really wanted to know the answer.) He said that I was too needy. I was so shocked as I thought he would answer that I was too independent. My response to him was, "I bet that was very overwhelming for him." Then we ended the conversation as I needed to get some sleep and he was going to wait up for D16 to come home.

Saturday was great because I was gone before either of them got up and didn't get home until 9pm. I had a great day doing something I have done for 6 years now, and that is spent a day scrapbooking with my friends.

Then today, I ask H to stay after D16 leaves for a retreat because we need to talk about finances. I go off to church and when I get home I was surprised to see him here. I had felt it on my heart to talk about my part in the breakdown of our marriage and told H some of the things that I felt responsible for and also told him I was standing for our marriage, but I wanted him to be happy. I told him that I did not need him for me to be happy. I wanted him and a marriage with him, but I would be fine without him. He talked a bit about how he felt I did not respect him and have not respected for years. I told him I am sorry he feels that way, that I have always respected him. He gave an example of me undermining him in regards to our D16, which blew me out of the water, because I thought I was backing him up. I just apologized and said it was never my intention to undermine his authority with D16. We discussed how I felt we have become lapse in our relationship with God and that putting Him first is now my goal daily. I told him I was praying for him and OW. Then I did a very, very, bad thing! I asked H if he didn't love me anymore. He became very quiet and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I can't say that." I was shocked, because I was so ready to hear the ILYBNILWY. Really! During our entire separation H has never said that to me or that he didn't love me anymore. On the flip side, he did say that he doesn't miss me right now. I wanted to say, Duh, the OW is keeping you preoccupied. But I kept my lips zipped. We did discuss our finances and worked through what was needed. We ended the entire conversation with a very good hug.

I am not sure what this will have done to H's current thinking process, may have been good or may have been bad. I am again just not having any expectations, but leaving it in God's hands. I feel so much peace after today, and believe that God is really working on my H and I just need to continue to give H space and time. I still continue to hear God telling me to have patience.

I realized that I was not DBing very well, but I felt I was following the Lord in my interactions with H this weekend. I continue to pray for H and OW daily.

I hope this week has good things in store for all of us, and pray that all our marriages will be restored.

Blessings,


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Lorie -
I am glad that you are in a place of peace. Please be careful and take care of yourself first. There is still another woman in the picture. Pick up Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough". Even as strong as your faith is - you have to set boundaries. Praying for you!
IB


M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
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Thank you IB, and I do know the OW is still there! I am setting boundaries, which was the finance talk. I had to put my foot down about a couple of things. Thankfully, it was very well received. H said is going to be more proactive about this area than he has been. So, we will see.

Blessings to you IB and I know you are moving forward into a better place. Just be patient and kind to yourself.


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Lorie,

If God had not intended for you to talk to your husband, He would have instructed you to stop. As it was; you planted several seeds within the conversation. You're right, you WERE following His instruction.

I respectfully disagree with using Love Must Be Tough in a MLC situation.

The book Love Must Be Tough cannot be used for MLC; the techniques are designed for "normal" situations; when the marriage is on more stable ground...I will explain why I say this:

I got the book at one point during his MLC, and as I was reading it; the Lord instructed me NOT to use any of the techniques within the book...some were used LATER as the marriage was rebuilding; but as it stood with him deep in MLC; I was advised that those techniques would backfire if used on him in the state of mind he was in.

An MLC'er is NOT going to respond very well to Love Must Be Tough; because most of them are looking for ANY excuse to leave the marriage behind completely; and if you want to stay married; you don't want to give them any leeway; even if it means staying quiet for a period of time.

For me, there was a time to speak and a time to be silent..and most of the time; I managed to do what God instructed me to do; if I didn't, I saw consequences for disobedience; we would cycle right back to the point where I had disobeyed the Lord, so I could get it right the second time...and time was added to the trial/crisis.

Boundaries in regards to the affair will not work if they are not receptive; there are certain boundaries that can be used; such as stopping the texting to OW/OM while with you; at your home..stuff like that.

Boundaries are for YOU; not for the person you set them on; they can decide NOT to honor them; and there's not one thing you can do about it, if they don't; except maybe remove yourself from their presence.

While we do learn to take care of ourselves first, we do this while we are still dealing with the MLC'er; although we stay detached.

I did take care of myself; but I also dealt with my husband when the Lord instructed me to.

Boundaries against disrespect and bad behavior did NOT come until the affair was finished and behind my husband; and he was further along forward in the tunnel.

I fully realize that I probably looked like a true doormat at times; but I followed the instructions that God gave me; because He knew my husband better than me, and most importantly; He knew what the future held; I didn't.

So, I followed His instruction to the letter; made many mistakes; and it took time for things to change and come through.

The Lord's instructions at times; sometimes will not make sense to anyone but Him as He gives them; but if you're willing to trust Him; and do what He asks, things will fall into place.

You'll find yourself doing things that are counterintuitive to what you know or you once knew; but God is teaching while He is instructing...and what looks to someone like "doormat" behavior; to God, whatever He instructs serves a far greater purpose.

You're doing fine; your faith is strong; God won't fail you, as He is faithful to His children. But, listen to His instruction as He gives it; it is for your betterment.

Take care. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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Lorie,

One other thing; Pray the Hedge of Thorns Prayer for your husband and OW.

I can't post it here; but you can look it up on the internet to find it; it's based on Hosea; and all the trouble he had with Gomer, his adulterous wife.

This will help, too. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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HB,

I have not read that book, because when I looked at they synopsis, I did not think with what I am currently going through the book would not be helpful. I did set a boundary about finances though, but it was for protecting me and D16, because I am only getting unemployment now and I am still responsible for paying our bills. His check is still deposited in our account, but he has a side photography business and has been hoarding that money, without looking at our joint acct and seeing what D16 and I need to make it to the next payday. Some days I have only had $4 in our acct and could not even go to the store. I have asked friends for help, and I am sick of that, when he has extra money, he needs to do the responsible thing and see if we need money. Heck, I tried to get gas today and didn't have enough money. That is embarrassing! So, H said he just got paid $400 for a wedding he did this weekend and he would deposit into our account on Tue when the banks open. So we will see what happens.

I do think that you and I are on the same wave length as far as letting God guide us. I have already been praying the Hedge of Thorns prayer for both H and OW! I also pray that God would bring a good Godly single man to OW to help her find her way to God so she can have happiness in her life too.

Are you friends with MWD on the alt? If so, look for me. I hope you have a great evening!

Blessings!


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Hello again, Lorie. smile

Quote:
I did set a boundary about finances though, but it was for protecting me and D16, because I am only getting unemployment now and I am still responsible for paying our bills. His check is still deposited in our account, but he has a side photography business and has been hoarding that money, without looking at our joint acct and seeing what D16 and I need to make it to the next payday. Some days I have only had $4 in our acct and could not even go to the store. I have asked friends for help, and I am sick of that, when he has extra money, he needs to do the responsible thing and see if we need money. Heck, I tried to get gas today and didn't have enough money. That is embarrassing! So, H said he just got paid $400 for a wedding he did this weekend and he would deposit into our account on Tue when the banks open. So we will see what happens.


That I can understand; and you do need to protect yourself in this area; God will advise you and aid your efforts; but will not do it for you.

And you need money to survive; and it's not wrong to ask him for the proper support for the household.

I didn't have that problem during his initial MLC; but I know that God will back the LBS who asks for support.

And if you don't say something to him, he won't do what is right; he needs to, but he won't unless you get after him; and I don't mean in a mean way; just a matter of fact way.

In the state of mind he is in; he will let things stay the way they are until something changes; and that means you have to stand your ground on certain things; such as financial support.

And, from what you say, you are doing just that.

Sometimes they act worse than children.

Quote:
I also pray that God would bring a good Godly single man to OW to help her find her way to God so she can have happiness in her life too.


While God will answer the Hedge of Thorn Prayers if it is His Will, and we do have to ask for His Will, and not ours to be done, the OW, who causes so much trouble in the marriages of people, will NOT gain anything from the affair; but more trouble than she has caused.

This is because OW must suffer consequences, right along with the MLC'er.

As one does sow, therefore they shall reap...and if the sowing is in corruption what is received/reaped is MORE corruption.

The Bible clearly states to love our enemies, and pray for them.

But when we ask for God to bless our enemies, and this includes the OW/OM; the direct opposite happens they suffer and hard; I know, I've seen this before many times.

I learned, in time, to forgive the OW for her part in the affair my husband had; but the Lord showed me that He would NOT bless her; she'd tried to break up a marriage and family; and for that, she would truly suffer, and hard.

The OW was NOTHING to me; she was my husband's problem, NOT mine; and this was made very clear to me by the Lord.

So, I separated myself from even the thoughts of OW; and this took awhile; she was bringing me down; as every thought I spared for her was taking power away from me.

This is a pattern in OW's life that cannot be "fixed" by praying for her; it will take something more to bring her down in the end...and only God knows what that is..leave her in His Hands; and pray for your husband.

She's still a person; but you must always recognize the snake in the grass when you see it; and ALL OWs/OMs are of this kind.

The majority of them know that the person they are seeing is married; but do it anyway..and for that; they reap in loneliness, heartache, and suffering for what they do.

God does take care of the situation; and it's not going to be in the way you would want it to be; as I do sense you have a heart for people..and that is OK; but see a spade for what it is, a spade.

You know people by the fruit they bear, the Bible tells you this; and the OW/OM bears some pretty rotten fruit.

I also learned to step back and let my husband suffer his consequences; and he reaped hard for all that he'd done to himself, his marriage; and to me, his wife; as well as his family. I saw things get so bad for him that I took pity on him and asked the Lord to lighten up.

This was the WRONG thing to ask Him...He immediately asked me if I wanted to suffer right along with my husband; I said no, I hadn't done anything wrong...so the Lord taught me a valuable lesson; it is better to watch people suffer through their consequences so that they may not do this again. If their reaping is "light" then it won't be an incentive for them to straighten up and fly right going forward.

On the other, it is entirely possible to "reap" for another; and in that; nothing is learned by the party who did wrong; so "bailing out" NEVER needs to happen.

Some consequences are suffered during the act of sin; and some are suffered even WAY beyond the ending of the act; as the Bible says reaping will continue for a season; and a season in God's time is unknown.

You know, God instructed me, when the time was right, to hold my husband accountable for all he'd done; I'd already forgiven him; but HE hadn't faced it; and as long as he didn't face it, he would never change and become the husband God meant for him to be.

What I had to do in holding him accountable was also part of his consequences suffered; because people MUST face what they've done and make it right...this doesn't come until later in the crisis; but does come.

He didn't do this on his own, so it fell to ME to begin the process when it was time.

Maybe this will help, too. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing


While God will answer the Hedge of Thorn Prayers if it is His Will, and we do have to ask for His Will, and not ours to be done, the OW, who causes so much trouble in the marriages of people, will NOT gain anything from the affair; but more trouble than she has caused.

This is because OW must suffer consequences, right along with the MLC'er.

As one does sow, therefore they shall reap...and if the sowing is in corruption what is received/reaped is MORE corruption.


Thanks HB, I realize this is true. I do believe she will suffer the consequences, and I know she will need to in order to never make this mistake again.

I have forgiven her as well, and she doesn't occupy a major amount of my thoughts nor time. I really focus on my H, family, and friends during my prayer time.

Thanks again for all your advice, keep it coming and I really love hearing it!

Blessings!


Lorie
W47 H48 D16
M20
H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW

When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
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Lorie,

Quote:

Thanks HB, I realize this is true. I do believe she will suffer the consequences, and I know she will need to in order to never make this mistake again.


When I talked about consequences so the mistake was not repeated; I was NOT talking about the OW/OM; I was talking about the MLC'er.

The majority of the time, MLC'ers go into this innocently; never understanding until later, the fact that an affair will take them farther than they ever wanted to go...and when they try and break it down; there are MORE problems that come about...some of them lay on the MLC'er, for their weakness; and susceptibility to addiction, and some lay on OW/OM for their craziness.

What you need to understand is there are actually OWs that repeat this all the time; they are users that will stop at nothing to "keep" their married man.

When they lose one; after a period of time, they go on the hunt for another.

I had to teach my husband about women who are that way, as the Lord instructed me to.

I did alot of research back in the day; boy, my eyes were opened wide!!

I actually worked with an OW in the past who was very open about the married man she was seeing.

She was USING him to pay her bills;and she gave him sex in return...no doubt the man was in MLC; but she didn't care about that. She only cared about what he could do for HER...and the MLC'er cares about what the OW "does" for them...they do use each other and it turns out badly every time.

Part of my journey was the research I did; and I learned to NEVER give OW/OMs the benefit of the doubt...I learned to see them for who and what they were; destructive people; who cared nothing for anyone but themselves.

My husband's OW would have kept him if she could have; and she went to great lengths to try and "win" him away from me. It didn't work, as my husband's mind was made up; but the addiction that was so hard to break kept him going back until he gained the strength to break free of her. She never realized that the love that was STILL there in his heart was bringing him back to me. I knew when she was gone..but then, I was dealing with a man going through OW Withdrawal; and the end was still nowhere in sight.

I can only hope your husband's eyes are opened to her true colors; waking up to what he's doing; that is the first step to breaking down the affair...but it doesn't begin to happen until the dissatisfaction level gets high in one or both, or a "change" happens in the MLC'er to make them see what they are doing that is so destructive.

You don't have to dislike or even hate the OW; you just need to understand what they are about; and what your husband is up against within the mistake he has made.

The devil throws down many roadblocks during MLC; and this is one of the hardest to overcome; as the devil never presents the true nature of the roadblock; he shows a beautiful exterior; an escape, if you will.

Many a person has gone this wrong way; only to be entangled in a snare of this kind; and trapped in a different way.

The first step is the thought; then the justification to make it "OK"; which opens the door to sin; then the action, which causes more problems than anticipated..and the Bible does say the wages of sin is death..and this is not always physical; it is emotional; relational, and spiritual.

More food for thought.


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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Lorie,

Just to make things clear; I'm simply teaching you what I know about these things.

When it was me, I was so innocent; and I was naive in so many ways.

I never thought this would happen to me; but it did, and God explained many things to me; helped me research and learn about MLC; and the aspects associated with this trial.

Looking back now, I'm GLAD this happened; because it did teach me a great deal that I try to pass on to others; not only that but I grew through this trial; and knowledge of that journey I pass onto others, as well.

I know how you feel; God was all I had to hang onto when I was traveling through; and there were times I thought this would last forever, but it didn't.

All things are possible if you believe in the Lord who makes ALL things possible. smile

God had to push me into some of what I did to help bring my husband through; I was frightened out of my wits at times; but He would always tell me, as He instructed me, that things would be all right; just do what He said.

He didn't "make" me; but He was good enough to show me what would happen, if I didn't take His advice...and there were times when I DIDN'T do what He told me; and a few times of cycling back; and having to face an aspect again was enough to keep me in total obedience.

There were people He sent to help me, too; and I drew some from their experiences; but not much; my situation was different; and God was leading me sometimes directly; sometimes through others.

When God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

People may disagree with my methods; and that's OK; I'm not anywhere to "impress" someone with knowledge and wisdom.

But I REMEMBER, although I no longer feel that pain, being lost and unsure; and life was falling down around me, and I needed help...and help was given to me in many ways, and my questions were answered; as much as could be answered.

There came a time when the questions no longer mattered; but that didn't come until later on in the crisis; when I realized my questions no longer needed answering.

This is a LONG road, regardless of how it comes out; and there is much to be learned along the way...some within yourself and some from others who have walked this way before.

Take care. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
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