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Joined: Mar 2010
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I continue to be surprised at how life works. I've been trying hard to stay away from self-judgement and let myself grief for the losses in my childhood. It's hard. I have a few days where I'm able to stay centered and focussed on my experience, and then suddenly I have a storm of self-criticism that makes me feel dreadfully guilty for being sad and angry. It's flipped back and forth like that for a couple weeks now. I keep journaling and it's helped me see that those criticisms are just the same things I'd hear my mom say to me as a child; or, are what was 'between the lines' of what she'd say to me. It's like I just picked up where she left off. So although the sadness really overwhelms me, I'm also learning a lot about that old internal critic of mine. And hopefully have some new tools and awareness to fight it when it comes up again.

And interestingly, I think it's opening up more lines of communication between my H and I. Because I've been feeling so overwhelmed sometimes my H just knows that something is wrong. And with my defenses down, I've shared a lot more about the hurts I'd felt growing up, now that I can feel those hurts. So, with that change in how I talk to him, he's changing too in how he talks to me about it. He used to wonder why I took it so personally, and would get a little frustrated because I could never resolve it.

However, the other day we talked about it. I was angry with myself for taking so long to 'get over it' and he had a fair bit to say (unusual in iteslf). It was all supportive and he encouraged me to keep working at it, that it was taking a long time because it was serious, not because of a personal weakness of mine. I felt so supportive and loved; and startled to realize this is a discussion that would have never taken place without the work we've done over the last year. That night, I took a moment to thank him for what he said, and let him know how much it helped and how much better it made me feel. I think he was surprised and appreciated hearing it.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Joined: Dec 2008
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FMV,

I love that, the more you work on yourself, the more intimacy you develop with your H, which allows you to dig deeper into your issues, which connects you even more deeply to your H ... it's really the exact opposite of a vicious circle! I'm so happy for you.

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Journalling. Just feeling alone and insecure this afternoon. H has had a stressful couple weeks so was a little snappish and condescending yesterday about a few things. Tried not to take it personally; just gave him space and he was mostly back to normal this morning. I seem to be having a huge attack of insecurity, worrying, anger, guilt - you name it - with myself this afternoon. Feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing regarding my mom, making unfair accusations, blowing things out of proportions. Trying to just breathe through it but I just can't shake it. What if I am exaggerating everything? What if nothing happened the way I remember it? What if I'm just being selfish and childish? Argh my brain just won't stop.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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