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I am going to try my best to piece this story together for you. Sorry of it is long. I am currently devastated and looking for advice. What may make this story different from the others I have been reading is that wife is having a 10 month EA and PA with another woman.

I would have added the details to my signature, but it would not let me for some reason.
Me - 32 W - 32
S - 5 months
M - 2.5 years
T - 5 years
Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY
PA discovered - 1/18/11

My wife and I have had a pretty good relationship from my ideas. There has never been any infidelity, physical violence, deep issues that can cause conflict. We have had our difficulties with communication at times, but what marriage doesn't? My wife and I decided that we wanted to have a baby and began starting in the Fall of 2009. We got pregnant in 11/09. During this time, we decided it would best to start seeing a marriage counselor to help with our communication skills before the baby arrived. These sessions began in the Spring of 2010 and appeared to be very helpful. We fought less. Worked on some of the strategies given. Things were looking better to me. It was also during this time that our therapist recommended that we give each other more free time on our own. I was working from home often, and my wife said that space in our small house concerned her. She began hanging out more with a new girlfriend from work more and more during her pregnancy. To me, I was happy for her. Her friend did not drink and was supportive. W had been sad that her older friends began to stray once my wife could not go out and party with them. The new girlfriend spent nearly everyday with W. At times I found it a bit odd, but I wanted to do my best to give my wife the independence with friends she was looking for. OW was married but was in the process of not being able to have children, so her marriage was rocky.

We also stopped seeing couples therapist in anticpation of our S arrival. Our S arrived on 8/14/10. Both of us were very happy. W's girlfriend was actually in the hospital with us, as W starting giving birth which was odd, but again I felt that this was my wife's new best friend giving support.

Shortly after the birth, W became very sad. Lots of crying. Staying in her bedroom with newborn S. Her mother and talked about post-pardum depression. A week later, my wife gave me a bomb. She was really unhappy. ILYBNILWY. She said that she had talked to her doc, and he told her not to make any major decisions. He believed post-pardum like the rest of us. I told myself it would get better and did everything I could to assist my wife with parenting. she also began seeing her own therapist.

W's girlfriend was working again while W was taking leave. She would come by on weekends. My wife complained that she felt locked in our home with the baby, so I encouraged her to get out. Still thinking post-pardum. My wife began spending more time with her girlfriend. Sometimes spending the night. Since girlfriend lived on the other side of town, I did not flinch when she would tell me S went to sleep and she would just spend the night on girlfriend's couch. This started to happen often. they began to do more and more things together and I was feeling left out emotionally. The Fall of 2010, I began considering the EA.

On 12/14/10, after a very small fight concerning movie tickets that I wanted to use to take my wife on a date (she wanted to take girlfriend), she dropped the big bomb. ILYBNILWY. She also told me that she had not returned to sleeping in our bed, because she did not want to. She did not want tany intemacy with me. For weeks, I had been encouraging her to our bed at night but had been patient while she nursed the baby at night. She said that she wanted space to think and left for her girlfriend's for a few nights.

***I am going to start a new post to continue, because I know this is getting long.***

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Sparks,

Please continue to post. You may want to consider moving your story to Newcomers as there seems to be more traffic on that board.

Question: You said ow's marriage was rocky because she couldn't have children? Might your son be the big draw for her in this relationship with your wife?

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While away, I sent my W a very long thought out letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted to fight for our marriage. I listed out things that I wanted to do to help with some of her concerns. I suggested we go back to marriage counseling that we had stopped after the birth our our S. She agreed to go to therapist with me. In session told me that she was not sure if she had the strength to fight for us anymore. She was not in love with me. She wanted time to think. She said that she came to therapy this one time but was not ready to commit to more. Therapist recommended we at least work on co-parenting in case of failure. W agreed.

For the last month, I have read several books. Gottman. Fertel. Weiner-Davis. I am staying incredibly positive and acting like super husband/father around the house. Not one argument. No fights. When together, we get along great. She will however, disappear a few days at a time without warning. It crushes me.

I began to suspect a PA on 1/16 after noticing some stain sleepwear in her overnight bag. She had been sleeping on girlfriends couch and had never slept in this stuff out our house. I then found more seductive lingerie in another bag in her closet that had never been in our home before. I began to look around and found a note in her bedside table written to her girlfriend and not delivered over the summer that explained how annoyed she was with couples therapy. she was stuck and only wanted to be with "you". this broke me. i began seeing a therapist on my own and introduced my concern. on 1/18, i logged into my wife's email. in a folder called "safe", i found 400 emails over the last 10 months between W and her girlfriend. PA. It began in 3/2010 when wife was 4 months pregnant. Started with curiosities. Girlfriend married now but husband had know about her being gay for years. W was curious but committed to me. It took maybe a week before those concerns faded. First night was PG13. Two nights later, they had graphic sex in a park. There are hundreds of emails between them providing very graphic accounts of their adventures. Started in a park. Then at our house when I wasn't home. They escalated to being in love. They talked about how they would leave their husbands and live together with the baby forever. Girlfriend ended up leaving her husband over the summer.

W and girlfriend spent everyday of the summer together while I was at work. Sex everyday. Very graphic sexual emails. In love. No cares. Embracing their new secret lesbian roles. After the baby, the girlfriend spent less time over due to family in town and both were heart sick. Around the same time I got my first bomb, an email came from the girlfriend that planned out an entire time line of an exit strategy. W replied that she was not comfortable with time and needed more time to figure things out with her therapist. Leading up to the second bomb, W and girlfriend spending every weekend together with S. Sometimes asking me if I would babysit S while they went off. I had no problems with that. I get quality time with baby and give the W a chance to get away without S.

I am now crushed. I still want to use the strategies provided here and by my therapist to let me wife know that I know about the PA. I am planning on writing a letter for myself to read in front of our original couples therapist. therapist agrees of importance of third party. have not asked W and can only hope she will agree. she really thinks I am in the dark about PA.

I can take all of the advice in the world that is out there about saving my marriage after a PA and am truly positive. there is just no information out there for same sex PA. is my wife a lesbian and always has been? was it just an EA that got out of control and the excitement of PA took over? i can only imagine if my W is pushing the time line out and out that she has questions. we both come from strong and active families. her emails told over and over again how she did not want to her me or her mother.

what do i do? is there hope?


Me - 33 W - 33
S - 9 months
M - 3 years
T - 5.5 years
Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY
PA discovered - 1/18/11
PA began - 3/22/10
Separated
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Sparks,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't really have any advice for you, but please know that there are people out there who understand what you are going through, and who hope that you feel better soon.

I know that this is the hardest thing you've ever experienced in your life. Please make sure to take care of yourself and your child.

I wish you all the best,

OTS


M:31 WAW:25
T: 5 years
M: 6/25/10
Bomb: 12/17/10
Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17
Served D: 1/27
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My W and I got out of town this weekend where both our parents reside. My sister is in town from NYC and they are having a shower. The first night, I dropped my W at her parents place and went to mine. Told my wife I needed some space. That night, I exposed everything to my parents. I trust and believe in them. In anticipation for bringing the affair up to my wife next week, I valued my parents advice. Of course they are heartbroken, but they understand the support and love for my wife as well as the desire to save my marriage.

My plan was to bring the affair to the attention of my wife. Tell her to end now. Write no contact letter. Expose to both parents and maybe even OW's soon to be ex. My parents really believe that the same sex piece of this puzzle cannot be ignored and should be navigated very carefully. The advice from the folks at MB show dr Hurley saying that same sex affairs should be no different than hetero affairs. I am truly lost. My father thinks I should approach wife. Let her know of affair. Give her the chance to end it right now if she ever had doubts with the intention that we work on us towards forgiveness. Expose to just parents. If she wants to walk, tell her a very bad divorce procedure is in our future. Our S will obviously be in the middle of this which scares me and will terrify her. Her master plan assumed they would have full custody forever in a perfect lesbian world.

I'm terrified. I need to suck it up. Should I take the strong tactics from dr Hurley? Should I trust my father and walk carefully around the sexual orientation part? Does anybody have any experience in this situation?


Me - 33 W - 33
S - 9 months
M - 3 years
T - 5.5 years
Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY
PA discovered - 1/18/11
PA began - 3/22/10
Separated
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hi sparks,

You will probably get more posts in Newcomers, I will post a link over there for you.


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sparks, your only chance is the end of the affair. She has to be the one to end it. Will she do so? Not in response to begging, pleading, or expressing undying love. You need to protect yourself and your child. Start by separating yourself some. Get your own account and perhaps have an initial consultation. Get documentation of everything...all these months of cheating. Then calmly tell you know and you aren't going to take it. I know it's hard and you don't want to lose her, but being the understanding weinie won't serve you well here. Be forceful and strong. Don't breakdown. I'd ask her to go and then get my own act together, but plenty would advocate staying together. That's nearly impossible if she's gonna be screwing daily...you'll look very unattractive. She needs to be out and working...no reason to support her screwing around on you.

After the confrontation work on making yourself the best possible you..for you


You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
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Phoenix's advice is NOT DB advice.


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