Postings in another thread created the following thoughts. I posted a little of this there, but where it applies to my sitch I decided to place it here.
In my sitch though I was trying to make W happy I was hovering and crowding her. I was too attached. This worked early in our M as she played the damsel and I played the knight. She does not know now how to be happy, because I never enabled her to grow. She needed me to detach. She tried to tell me, but not in a manner I understood so I did not.
As you move through this journey improving yourself do not make my mistakes. Grow and sustain your changes so your W can grow also.
As she became increasing unhappy in our R she assigned blame to me. I continued to try and do what I had always done. As the frustration grew I became angrier. The angrier I became the further she retreated to the point of running away. She is now the damsel again waiting for another knight to rescue her.
I cannot be knight to her damsel. This is a cheese less hole. She needs to grow and improve herself before we can think about reconciling. Problem is she is not improving. I have not had recent contact contact, but family that has tells me she is playing the damsel in distress to them, seeking solace and sympathy.
I still want a chance at a new R with her, but I must wait for her to be ready. How long? Until I am done. Would an EA or PA make me done? I don’t know, it would be tough, but I don’t think so.
I think I have identified two things we would need before any MC could be effective. Hold the 2X4s I am not attaching hope to any of this as it is too premature. I know this is too early to really think about or apply much planning to, but I have always been the planner.
The trust between us has been destroyed and needs to be rebuilt. I have no idea how to begin this but a good MC should have suggestions. W needs to be able to find happiness within her. I cannot affect this she needs to grow into it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
She's 49, and she ran into an old crush from High School last fall. She made a big deal out of friending him on FB and telling her life story. His third marriage is crumbling. I am not ready to face my fears about that yet.
I see that nobody has mentioned this to you that running into an old flame is a textbook reason a wayward starts acting like your wife is acting. I would encourage you to face that fear and face it NOW.. My suspicion is this "old crush" is the reason for the change in your wife...
Do your homework. I know you want to believe it is MLC. Wanting to believe something doesn't make it so.
Don't underestimate the power of an ex lover or crush coming into the picture after years apart. It happens all the time.
Gucci, thank you for pointing out that pitfall. Since I posted that I have given it quite a bit of thought. I have not snooped or coerced family to discover if there is an affair. I have no evidence one exists. I admit it is possible. Though it is possible, I suspect if this is going on it is more EA at this stage. If this old HS crush is involved it is probably as a C. He is a rape, abuse counselor heavily involved in one of the local churches. It is a huge conflict of interest though; I’ll admit stranger things happen daily.
I would expect her support group to evaporate if she could not be very discrete. These actions and the consequences of them are for her to worry about when she realizes them. I realize how that sounds and I am certain if true I will be affected, but I will survive and eventually flourish.
I can waste no energy worrying about this. It changes little in how I approach what I need to do. W and I have a huge history together with many good memories; eventually W will recall these or complete her rewrite of history. I have no control over this and if I am involved in trying to remind her it only damages the effort.
I am better for W than any other man W meets and getting better daily. If she does not eventually realize this another women will when I am ready to move on.
Grit, every once in a while I have difficulty understanding your posts, probably because you are posting to someone else about specifics in their sitch. I do not have that problem with this one.
Originally Posted By: truegritter
So what are you prepared to do in your life while she figures this out...
because she will or she won't on her own time.
More of what I am doing now. Delay the D as long as possible, continue GAL, I’ll join the archery club in a few weeks. In April see if the local junior college still offers a fencing PE class. Remain as connected as possible to family without discussing this sitch. Post to this board. Get on with life.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I can waste no energy worrying about this. It changes little in how I approach what I need to do.
I didn't say to "worry" about it. It most certainly should change the way you approach things. The man who doesn't change his game plan based on the circumstances and facts is wasting time and energy.
Quote:
W and I have a huge history together with many good memories; eventually W will recall these or complete her rewrite of history. I have no control over this and if I am involved in trying to remind her it only damages the effort.
You sound like you are just making talking points and quoting what you have heard from others. You DO have some control over this. The way you act, respond and handle this can very well help you OR hurt you. So, stop talking like that. You DO have some control over this.
