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Sorry one more thing comes to mind W tells me she accepted a different position at a different company. She and I had discussed this job change before. I thought I had been pretty neutral about it, but perhaps she didn’t see it that way. It is a longer distance to travel and she would work for an old friend that we had heard through the grapevine was difficult to work for. So when she brought it up several months before the bomb I was cautionary. Yesterday she just announced it and gave reasons for her decision. I wished her good luck and asked when she started.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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Yesterday our D had dinner with W and the Aunt she is living with. Our D wanted to ask questions and discuss how this decision is affecting her. She has asked me questions and I have been as honest as I can be. She needed to hear Ws side. W and Aunt accused D of representing me in this. D and I had discussed this possibility, and I asked D to be careful. She thinks she was eventually able to swing the discussion to her and away from me. She was upset afterward and needed to vent. She came by the house late and we spoke while she vented to online friends. Though this is not a decision I have any control over I grieve for the affect it is having on family. Saying I am sorry just doesn’t seem enough, but what else can I do? D told me she is alternating between anger and depression over this decision. I asked her if she could speak to a C about it. She doesn’t know if her employer has a program or if it is part of her HC insurance.

This morning I received correspondence from my L. He has received a proposal from W’s L and wishes to meet to discuss it. We’ll have to generate a counter proposal and begin the back and forth. I am in no hurry. I do not want to D without a chance at MC. My W is pushing and rushing this as if our R can be discarded like refuse. My C tells me I have control over this as it takes two to D and I have to sign the papers. I doubt I can simply refuse to sign. I meet with my C again on Monday hopefully we can put some perspective around this.

Tomorrow family gathers to celebrate a birthday. Our niece has been like another daughter at times when my W and I stepped up to provide stability and help her mother. Both my W and I have been invited. I’ll be DB’ing my fanny off.

Wish me luck


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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Well the dinner went well. W did not attend. She called to tell me she was busy with DIL’s mother in the ER. She wanted me to take the B Day present we picked out when we were Christmas shopping. It seems strange that we were happily buying gifts for family while W was judging the state of our relationship and deciding to D. I was pleasant during dinner and her family seemed to be gauging me. We played a hand of Uno afterwards and then cut cake. Today I spoke with one of the SILs, she wanted to know if I felt comfortable in their presence. I told her it felt a little strange for W not to be there and I was attempting to be a little more talkative. I hope word gets back to W how pleasant it was. My SIL said it was important to my niece that I was able to attend.

Today I met with an informal group of people for a little CC skiing. I was fun and there is the added benefit of being able to tell the SILs about it. The organizer of the group also organizes sailing trips for venture scouting. Each of the SILs and several of the nephews and nieces are involved. So part of my GAL will benefit them. I hope word gets back to W. W accuses me of being controlling. According to my W I am lost and alone because I cannot control her anymore.

This morning I was reviewing our relationship and I never realized how controlling she was, how isolated I have become. I have no close relationships aside from those she approved mostly her family. More fodder for the speaking with my C tomorrow.

If anyone is reading these posts a word of encouragement would be nice. I hate to ask and if I have offended in these posts I apologize. So much of the online etiquette is foreign to me.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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Yesterday W stopped at the house. I was shoveling snow out of the driveway and she granted me a ride to the house with her. It is a long driveway. She brought over cat food as I had agreed to continue to feed the outside cats. I had already purchased a bag. When I told her I had she did not seem surprised. She gave me a check for half of the property taxes. When she took half of our savings she took most of the property taxes. I told her I would need her to provide half of the taxes and she agreed. She asked if I understood the terms her L has communicated to my L are negotiating points. I told her I did and asked if she understood pursing the D this way was moving it out of an amiable disillusionment and more into confrontation through our Ls. I told her I preferred to work something else out. She asked what. I told her I did not think she was ready to discuss alternatives. She pressed and I got stupid. My C had been coaching me to bring up exploring if we could have a different relationship than the one she is running from. So I asked if she would be open to discussing it. She said you’re right I am not ready to talk about that. I wanted her to know the door was ajar when she is ready to talk about it. Did I make a huge mistake here?

Through this whole encounter she had this odd grin. She seems almost giddy about the effect she is having. This is not the way W normally presents herself, especially in sitch that are stressful. She is under stress the tension in her body language is apparent. Who is this person? She is behaving more like a child taking delight in the chaos she is sewing than the women I have spent the last 30 yrs with.

I told her about joining an archery league, and CC skiing. She dismissed these, so I will continue to provide examples when I am capable of being happy since she left.

I did set a boundary telling her she should not be in the house when I am not there. She has removed items she thinks are hers. Silver and pewter dishes we shopped at antique stores for and such. I would agree these are things that she could have as part of the D, but I wonder what else is missing. She wants to move larger items next week as she is taking a week off between job changes. I told her I had been advised these were items we purchased as a couple and they should not be removed from the house until after we had agreed and listed them. This is becoming more adversarial. This is not what I want, but it seems as if I am pushed this way. I have to try and come out of this with as little damage as possible, but I am already scarred. So do I change the locks before next week?

How do I DB while W pushes hard for the D. It seems like she is afraid of haveing second thoughts and must push as rapidly as possible to her freedom. I am afraid before this is all over I will hate her for the position she is pushing the family into. Today is a low day. Thanks for listening.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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In all this I have been trying to find rational reasons for the sitch I find our relationship in, something to blame it on. A brain chemistry imbalance, some med she was taking, a psych break, the beginning of a manic cycle, etc., something that could be fixed. It makes me crazy trying to fix blame. I’ve come to understand from reading other threads that there are better ways so…..

I am trying to think of it this way.

The person that was my W has disappeared and the person inhabiting her body is running away. Sooner or later she will rest, look around and realize the grass is not greener, the sky bluer or the water sweeter. Until then I need to work on making me happier. If she looks over her shoulder and sees a happy secure man moving forward in life perhaps she’ll walk over and speak with me again. Then and only then can we explore the possibility of building a new different relationship. This one, the one she is running from cannot be restored. It is no ones fault it just is.

I do not know how successful I will be, but at least it is a better plan and helps me accept something I cannot change.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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So the W came by the house tonight, sans the support group. She had previously said she would not be alone in the house with me as she was fearful about what I would do to her. She has been alone with me for a few times for a few minutes each time. This time was a whole hour. I have never lifted a hand against or physically abused her. So it was good to see her trusting me enough to be alone with me. Perhaps a bit of reality is sinking in slowly.

Her body language was closed so she was not going to listen to anything I said of substance. I managed to keep the conversation light and away from R discussions. I did not approach R at all. We discussed her change of address issues and what bills to split up. It seems her L has advised her to begin paying for the CCards in her name. I need to speak with my L about that as it runs counter to what he told me. She kept trying to bring up how to separate the furniture. It is strange as these discussions will all come up in good time. There is little rush, and they are all just things. She seems to be trying to build what she will have after the D. I guess in her mind it is a head long rush. We spent an hour straightening in the basement. She put away things our S left behind. I broke down empty boxes and got them ready to move to the trash. She seems to think I will provide storage for everything left behind. Certainly I will try to keep the children’s things as long as I am able to keep the house. If we actually do D part of the reality to be dealt with will be where to put all of her stuff. This post is just for my piece of mind, but comments are welcome.


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Today my W came by the house after lunch to “clean our mess”. She brought our other dog over to play also. After some small talk about what was happening with her job change and how good this new job will be she asked if we could get started. The conversation was all about her world and what is affecting it.

I deferred cleaning as the dogs were still quite excited and told her we would only be running upstairs every few minutes. The dogs are a 30 lb mixed breed and a 200 lb Mastiff. They need to be supervised when they play, else the smaller dog could be hurt. At least that was the logic I used. We made more small talk. After the dogs settled she asked again if we could get started. I told her the dogs would not stay settled. As if he read my mind the mixed breed went over to her from where I was sitting and began to whine and beg for attention. During this whole time she stayed distant standing just outside the room the dogs and I were in.

I told her I’d rather talk with her than clean. She came into the room and sat across from me. Her body language was tentative. I read it as if she would listen, but close off if I said something offensive or pressured in any way. I managed to validate a couple of reasons for her decision to D and apologized for the way I made her feel. She heard me for the first time today. She told me what she has been doing to make herself happy. I thought to myself none of what you are doing you could not do while staying in the M. I congratulated her on doing things for herself; and silently myself for not vocalizing my initial thought. I spoke about the archery league, and CC skiing. She asked if we could move the Tuesday cleaning to Wednesday. I alluded to another commitment on Wed. I don’t have one. I guess I need to get one.

It is a small step. There are many more to take. She needs to see me as changed. She need to see the possibilities of the R changes also. I can only stay this course.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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JustStunned,

I just came back today to check in out you. I'm surprised that you are not getting replies from others here. It's different from when I was here a year ago.

I read through your postings since I last responded.

In general, I think you are having too many relationship talks. Think about how that is working. If she gives you the slightest bit of acknowledgment, you are leaping on it as a sign of improvement. You mentioned your archery and skiing, and your need for here to see your changes. Do the changes for YOURSELF, and try not to worry if she can notice them or not. You need to make these improvements for yourself, in order for it to be changes that really matter, both to you and your wife. When you mention these things to her, it sounds needy, like you need here approval, like you want her to see you trying.

I will use the word that is often used here in the DB forums: You need to detach. It's a simple word, but very difficult to understand it's meaning and how to do it, plus it's stands opposite of what you are trying to do: remain attached. If you can emotionally detach yourself from your need to save your marriage, and focus on being a better man yourself, you may make some meaningful changes that will shock everyone.

I wish I had more time, and that others were participating in your thread. I'll be more blunt with you, because I think it's relevant. I'm a little hesitant, because in the past I've relied on the balance reached through having a group of people commenting on a thread. My own situation ended in divorce, but I still think I learned a lot here. What I want to say is that in reading your thread, you are saying and doing the things that most left-behind spouses do, and the very things that continue to drive their spouses farther away.

I think you should avoid all divorce talks. Let the lawyers handle the divorce, and delay it as long as you can afford to. Read the part of the DB book about "last resort". You should avoid all relationship talks. Yes, she seems like a different person. There is nothing to gain from talking about this right now. I know you want to fix things, and fix it RIGHT NOW. This impulse is something you have to fight. I followed through with the no relationship talks, but one of my many mistakes, was to just avoid talking. You need to be cheerful around her, but be too BUSY living your new life. Any conversations you have, politely end them first, because you have to go. Don't explain any of it. You have already made it clear that you want to work things out. You don't need to keep chasing her. Anything you do that she can see as chasing her, she may and will likely use against you as reasons to justify her decision to leave.

You have to provide real 180's, but don't explain or justify them. Every newcomer here (including me of course) asks "how will they know that I am making these changes?!?!" You have to not worry about this.

I asked you before about if you were reading the book. How is that going for you? Are you reading other threads here? I know that it takes a lot of time. Look, from my perspective, you NEED to read that book, and the threads, PLUS you will have the extra benefit of all that time distracting you from things that are likely interfering with what you need to do. You need to stop thinking about saving your marriage, and come to terms with saving yourself. It's in the book. When you are having all these thoughts, read the book, read threads, go do things that improve your life.

Hang in there.


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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Awoken:

Thank you for your feedback. I needed it. I defined myself through my marriage and how happy W was. When we clicked we were a force. Most of her family is dysfunctional and they relied on us. Recently as I was less able to see her happiness and satisfaction I began to drive for mine. Problem was I was driving her rather than myself and arguing against the major thing she was doing for herself.

I am reading the threads and commenting in a few. I have read and I am rereading DR. picking up bits and pieces of advice from both. None of this is cookie cutter, sometimes she is a deranged 15 yr old in a 49 yr old body in the middle of a MLC, and other time she is the adult I love. It plays with my mind. The sitch with the 15 yr old in it is easy to detach from, the adult who is no longer exuding hatred less so. I was speaking with the adult the last time.

I will have no contact with either this week perhaps I can find something to be busy with this weekend also.

I will continue to journal here.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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