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Today was a bad day. I learned that last night while I was pouring my heart out to the Aunt, my W and the SisterILs were playing cards and having fun with friends. This was the way we would pass a Sat night about once a month.

I spoke with the SisterIL who hosted the party today. She doesn't think there is any hope, but wonders why my W want the D final in a few weeks. Whatís the rush? Still no one is advising W to slow down only to be certain, so she is more certain each day.

I know I need to GAL but so much of my life revolved around her family and doing for her family that I am isolated without them. My family is small, no one beside Mom is close by. I can't speak with Mom about this she's 83 and frail. I always counted on W being there for me when the trauma of her passing occurred. Just a bad day tomorrowís another chance. Even the dog knows I am hurting, her keeps leaving his toys with me.


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Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
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<<JustStunned>>

I haven't been on the boards in a quite a while. I just popped in tonight to see what was going on. Your thread was the first one I dived into. It brought back a lot of memories of my own experience. I just want to give you a big hug.

I want to post a few things for you:

I hope you have been reading the books. GAL is essential, and of course its not an easy thing to do. The books (especially Divorce Remedy) cover this in some detail. Even better, read a lot of threads hear about GAL. When I first got to the forums here, I would basically check my own thread over and over, holding my breath for just SOMEONE to post a reply. I wish I had used that time reading more of the stories here. There is so much specific advice here. I understand you are feeling isolated. Go out and do NEW things.

Make sure you do the actual steps outlined in the book. I was so desperate(I wanted a fix NOW), that I read the whole book at once, skipping parts too, even though the book explains exactly why you shouldn't do that. I suspect that many people here don't follow the steps in the book. You have a lot to learn, and the sooner you get to the book the better.

This forum here/the people that participate made a big difference in my own situation. Even though I did not save my own marriage, I still feel very strongly about the DB principals. The DB work I did/do has made me a better person for my experience; helped me survive it.

Hang in there.


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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Originally Posted By: JustStunned

I spoke with the SisterIL who hosted the party today. She doesn't think there is any hope, but wonders why my W want the D final in a few weeks. Whatís the rush? Still no one is advising W to slow down only to be certain, so she is more certain each day.
Divorce seems to always take much longer than any of the parties suspect. When I eventually had to interview lawyers, I was really surprised when they all told me to expect 6-12 months to reach a divorce. I didn't think they were right, but sure enough it took over 8 months from when my wife actually filed.

Keep in mind, your wife has likely been thinking about this a long time, so it doesn't seem like such a rush job to her. Still, read what the book says about this. Spend your time on taking care of yourself, improving yourself. Let her worry about the divorce. Treat her well. Hang in there.


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Even the dog knows I am hurting, her keeps leaving his toys with me.

All of our pets responded the same way too. They are very sensitive aren't they? Take the dog out for long walks, away from everyone and you can let out some of that pain, where no one else can see it. My own dog has truly been a best friend through all of this.

I found that playing with the dog, would often help with the deep sadness.


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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Thanks, I am trying, walking the dog on the weekends. It is to dark and cold during the work week. W insisted on getting the dog about two years ago. I wonder sometimes if she was attempting to find another friend for me.

I have been reading threads here and DR. So much of this is overwhelming that I can only do so in little bits, still getting through some of this is helping.

I had my second session with my MC this morning. The MC is trying to give me ideas and things to say, much of this is reflected in DR and on this board. It is the timing I am concerned with. My MC advises me to keep all comments "I" centric, avoid using "You" She advised me to indicate I want to keep the door open for exploring how we might have a different kind of relationship in the future. That I do not feel we have given consoling a chance. I know now that our relationship cannot continue as before, but perhaps we can make a different relationship if we try.

My W told one of her sisters she does not want to be alone with me, as I might try to manipulate her into second guessing her decision and beginning MC. Frankly I am comfortable with this in front of her support group. I went down this path three weeks ago. At the time W agreed it was a reasonable request and met with a C and setup an appointment for me a few days later. When she meet with her C she represented her desire for a D. The C called me a few days later and advised me to seek another C as meeting with me would be a violation of her ethics.

So I have to try and detach from the emotions here. Try to find a time when my W might be open to the idea before proposing it again. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. While I know I can move on, losing our relationship completely without fighting for it feels like such a waste.


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Had a good evening yesterday, spoke with S and DIL about this sitch. I have spoken with the S since the bomb but never about the sitch and the DIL has been dark. Neither of them believes I am the monster I have been portrayed as. They understand W is angry and lashing out. My D and I spoke last night also. She wants to confront and refute what W is saying to family and friends. She agreed to try and temper her approach. It is important she expresses herself, but she agreed to try and keep it non confrontational as this would only cause W to escalate her anger. Advice from DR this board and MC all seems to agree on this point. I hope D can maintain composure.

From the D I understand her contemporaries, (nieces, and nephews) believe W will eventually see she should give this relationship a chance to develop into something different. Not what we were prior to the bomb, but not Díed either. All of the nieces and nephews close by have been born outside of marriage or grew up dealing with SILís D. My W and I have been surrogate M and F to all of them at one time or another. They are feeling the stress too. Reading this make my W family seem like WT. That is not true, fair, or my intention. These posts help me detach.

This rollercoaster is running level just now, but I know another steep drop is just ahead and I am trying to be dispassionate about it. Need to GAL more I will check to see if there is a local archery club near by this weekend.


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JustStunned:

There are a lot of details in your last post.
many MC's are divorce friendly, hopefully you have found a IC for yourself that is familiar with DB principles.

I know it's counter-intuitive, but you should be spending your time on yourself and trying not to worry about your marriage right now. This is in the book. I think I truly understand how hard it is to focus right now, and certainly how hard it is to know what is the right thing to do. Yes, reading all these posts is hard. Still, have you done the first steps in the book? Finding out what YOU need?

My understanding of true GAL, is finding out what you want most out of life and going after it, without relying on another person for your happiness. If you do this, it may be the true "180" that you need to improve your situation.

Are you reading the book?

I'm in a rush this morning, so I'm typing this fast. Hang in there!


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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Thanks Awoken:
Iíve pretty much gone dark as it relates to direct contact with my W. I have not emotionally disconnected to my W, but I am trying with some success to let most of what she says and does to pass without challenge. That is a 180. So she presses harder. I assume she is attempting to provoke a reaction. I am praying for peace and control of myself and my half of this sitch. I never saw it before, but the longer this goes on the more I see how many of my actions in this R were reactions. So much of my life was spent giving to the extended family that I have forgotten what makes me alone happy. Some of that giving was very satisfying and I was happier for it.

I need to put the house in order to begin to find peace. Several of the rooms and most of the basement looks like people with a hoarding disorder live here. Iíve made a few dents here and there and I am beginning to find pride. My D came by last night and told me the house is cleaner than she has seen it in six months. That is not entirely true I know she was trying to lift my spirits. Tonight I plan to begin tackling part of the basement. Iíve spent the last week washing and putting away sheets and blankets that have been piled up in the basement laundry for most of the last six months. When I would be out of the house for an extended period typically a week (7 times last year) my W would begin a project. Several of these need to be finished so I have plenty of indoor work to keep busy with. I think putting the house in order will help me GAL. It certainly cannot hurt to reduce some of the chaos.

Yes, I am detail oriented. This was required in a previous life and needed where I work. This aspect of my personality was alternatively loathed and appreciated in our R

I am reading the books and finding mechanisms for coping here. I need more so I continue to look.


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So Tuesdays W and I are supposed to meet at the house and clean up our mess. Yesterday I received a text asking if I was planning on it or something else. I replied I planned on cleaning, but it was up to her if she wanted to stop by.

She was there when I got home drinking a cup of tea alone. She has previously stated she did not trust me not to get violent with her and that was why she would never be alone with me again. There is no basis for her lack of trust. It does not reflect reality. We made small talk while I fed the dog and I managed to keep the conversation neutral. I told her if she wished me to continue feeding the cats I would need her to provide the food. She agreed to provide cat food. She seemed to appreciate I would continue to care for her cats and that I had recently purchased food for them. This is a 180 as I have never seen the logic in feeding the 6 feral strays. I asked about DILís M. apparently the assisted living place wants my W to move furniture out and into storage. W was hinting I should help her do this. Normally this is something I would have jumped to help with. I didnít this time. She did not ask, and I did not volunteer. Oddly I do not feel bad about it.

I received a text from one of the SIL inviting me to dinner. So I told W I now had plans and she would need to leave in thirty minutes. She seemed to alternate between anger and sadness the whole time she was there. She seemed to gain composure when she informed me of what her L told her to do. The L doesnít want us to have contact and to let each of our Ls manage the D. She emptied a storage closet of her summer clothes and left.

Later at SIL for dinner the stress hit me. I spent most of the rest of the evening depressed. Not for the way I handled it or how well it went. I think it went pretty good. Rather for the sitch and lack of progress I am making. Today I realize I have been barely at this for three weeks and the road is long.


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Yesterday W and I spoke about our DIL living with her after the DIL separates from the USMC during our S deployment. She said our S and DIL decided it made more sense for our DIL to stay in their apartment. I asked if this reduced the urgency for the D. She agreed it did then immediately began to push for the rushed timeline again. It is a mixed message. I think she has made this decision, planned her escape and is afraid she might have second thoughts about it. She has rushed to tell everyone she is Díing me as if she is trying to get comfortable with the decision and make it more real. I reminded her of a time when one of her uncles tried to recruit us onto his side during a rough patch in his M and how uncomfortable that made us. She didnít comment, but was thoughtful for a moment.

I am waiting to see if what I have tried so far is working. I believe I am getting small successes. She was as nervous as a small caged animal yesterday, but I managed to keep our meeting calm and off R discussions. The closest we came to an R talk was the impetus rushing the D.


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You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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