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A Message from Michele
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How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair #2121878
01/20/11 01:59 PM
01/20/11 01:59 PM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 829
Divorce Busting Center USA
Virginia Offline OP
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Virginia  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 829
Divorce Busting Center USA
by Michele Weiner-Davis

One question that people ask me a lot is ďhow do I save my marriage when I know my spouse is having an affair?Ē

Sometimes itís simple and sometimes itís not quite so simple. Let me talk about the simpler situation first. I just had a couple this week where the wife was having an affair and the husband snooped a little bit and found out that she had actually met this guy in another city. He was devasted and confronted her about it, and she was so remorseful. She loves her husband. She made a bad choice. She would do anything to save her marriage.

Then itís clearer what to do to save the marriage because she was willing to give up this affair and give it up cold turkey. Then they could begin to heal and begin to rebuild the foundation of their relationship. He had the right to ask her to do whatever he needed her to do to comfort him.

However, many situations arenít like that. One person finds out the other person is having an affair and that spouse is not willing to give up that affair. When the spouse is confronted they get very angry, defensive. ďI canít believe you were snooping, this is my lifeĒ. Letís face it, then you do not have any leverage. You have a choice to make. You can draw a line in the sand and say Iím not going to put up with this, ďyou need to end this affair or itís over.Ē Chances are, Iím telling you, nobody likes to be pressured into a corner. Youíre likely to end your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, you may have to do something that is counter-intuitive. It will take all of your strength. It will be the hardest thing youíve ever done. You have to back off, you have to give your spouse a little space. Because most affairs end within 6 months. Itís a complicated thing, because you need to focus on your own life and not put pressure on your spouse to end their affair. It helps to have some expert advice to hold your hand and walk you down that route so you know exactly what to do.

Thatís where a Divorce Busting Coach can really come in handy. Your Coach will give you a step by step map of what you need to say or what you need to do, and most importantly what you need not to say or do to the spouse who is having an affair. So test the waters. You can confront your spouse, but if your spouse gives you a hard time, do not pressure your spouse any further. You can actually make matters worse. A line in the sand may just mean the end of your marriage. Consider using a Divorce Busting Coach to help you find the way.


Virginia Peeples
Assistant to Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center

Transform your marriage with a private session with Michele Weiner-Davis.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004.
Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Virginia] #2121979
01/20/11 07:56 PM
01/20/11 07:56 PM
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FiguringItOut Offline
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Ok. I can understand the concept, but what happens after 6 months? I was in this situation before and all my X did was get better at lying and covering up, not to mention treating me like a doormat.

All this did was destroy any self-respect I had left for myself not to mention hurt the kids.

I have a friend that is currently going through this. What should I tell him?

Thank you, Tom

Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Virginia] #2121991
01/20/11 08:38 PM
01/20/11 08:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
England, UK
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saffie Offline
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Quote:
Because most affairs end within 6 months.


Please tell me where you get this information from?

My husband had an A for 18 months before he decided to tell me about it. If I had at that point just sat and 'waited' he would have swung backwards and forwards between myself and OW,whilst basking in the joy of having two women fight/fawn over him. ( He did actually ask for that to happen so he had time to make up his mind!) That is just sickening. I ended up with my psychiatrist telling my H that to try and do that was mental cruelty; that was after I tried to commit suicide because I was so emotionally distraught.

I have a lot of respect for many folks on this site, and I try to comply with the boards rules, but you have made the ability to be honest and give good advice to other posters harder and harder.

I am a "success" story. I am 5 years on from discovering my H's A and we are about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year. We are in a happy, loving, supportive M. Your site brought me much comfort when recovering from finding out about my H's betrayal.

So much of the advice given on here is good....such as that about forgiveness etc. However, not all situations are the same and sometimes exposure is good whilst other times it isn't. I don't like the way you are trying to frighten folks in to acting in one particular manner by the veiled threat of what will happen if you give someone an ultimatum. the thing about any ultimatum though is that you have to know before you issue it that you can go through with it......whether it be a situation with a spouse who is being unfaithful, or a child that won't behave. One has to consider all options before acting and make an educated response.

Quote:
You have a choice to make. You can draw a line in the sand and say Iím not going to put up with this, ďyou need to end this affair or itís over.Ē Chances are, Iím telling you, nobody likes to be pressured into a corner. Youíre likely to end your marriage.


I disagree. My H actually said that doing this saved our M - as I said earlier - all situations are different.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: FiguringItOut] #2121995
01/20/11 08:44 PM
01/20/11 08:44 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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I guess whether you follow this advice depends on what type of marriage you want to have. I'm highly skeptical of the "6 month" expiration date on most affairs but for the sake of argument let's assume that's true. Say my H was having an affiar and I patiently waited for 6 months for him to choose me (by working on myself and making me the better option). He now knows that I'm willing to put up with that. He knows he can get away with a long-term affair and I won't stop him. He knows that I won't set any boundaries, I won't confront him, I won't make his life difficult. Instead, I work harder to be the woman he wants. What on earth is to stop him from doing that again? and again? and again? What kind of marriage is left? One without honesty, without trust, without equality among the partners.

This path diminishes the betrayed spouse's self-respect and potentially confuses/hurts the children. I consider this advice to be extremely harmful for many situations.

Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: CajunRose] #2122015
01/20/11 09:34 PM
01/20/11 09:34 PM
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MrBond Offline
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For me, I've seen alot of A end before the 6 month mark (in life and around other sites).

I think what's most important, especially for the LBS is what you do when the A is going on. You don't have to sit back like the ugly kid at the dance hoping to get noticed. Whether you feel like breaking up the A or not, that's up to you. Like establishing boundaries. That's fine to establish a boundary, but I haven't seen many people follow through on consequences once the boundaries have been crossed.

You can choose not to be a doormat, or whatever. Just because the WAS chooses to go out and have an A, doesn't make you a doormat.

Just my .02.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: MrBond] #2122018
01/20/11 09:37 PM
01/20/11 09:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1
new zealand
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Luv Beetle Offline
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new zealand
I'm not sure I agree with the 6 month statistic. I have seen it around on alot of infidelity sites, but never the actual studies it is quoted from.

I do know that IRL there are many affairs that last longer, whether they turn into defacto relationships, or go on to marriage.
By the same token I have seen affairs that end in the 6 month time frame.

I certainly agree the LBS needs to do something other than focus all their attention and time on the WAS

Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Virginia] #2122087
01/21/11 12:50 AM
01/21/11 12:50 AM
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Steve McQueen Offline
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zowie. must have served your husband sloppy seconds a couple of times if you are dishing this out.

this is exactly what a cheater wants their spouse to hear: let them cheat, get out of their face, go take care of yourself. they'll tire of pumping the swing and eventually get off.



Quote:
You can actually make matters worse.

huh? they are sleeping with another person. how can it get worse? they make you watch?
if this is the type of marriage you propose count me out.


I DO NOT SHARE MY WIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN !!!!!

that is the attitude you should be encouraging NOT eunuchoidism.

DON MAN DON

Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Steve McQueen] #2122458
01/21/11 11:53 PM
01/21/11 11:53 PM
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Truegritter Offline
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Originally Posted By: FiguringItOut
not to mention treating me like a doormat.

All this did was destroy any self-respect I had left for myself


YOU are a doormat as long as you think you are a doormat.

And you are responsible for your self respect. It is too valuable a thing to leave it to the whim of a WAS.

Your choices define you and your self respect.

NOT the choices of another.

So

Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
how can it get worse?


You walk away from this because someone injured and stole your self respect by cheating on you and when you exposed their affair and demanded

Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
I DO NOT SHARE MY WIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN !!!!!


You got divorced and became a statistic and walk around with a dumb look on your face because you placed your self respect and your own choices based on the actions or inaction of another...

And so you will always be beholden to that with your current spouse or anyone you choose down the road.

Taking the path advocated above by MWD

Can provide you with time and an OPPORTUNITY not a GUARANTEE

To save your M and at the very least help you heal from this tragedy.

It is the tougher road and the less traveled. It is not what most people choose I grant you.

I am only speaking from my own experience and there is no one anwer for everyone.

Someone's six months is another person's 2 years.

It depends on the individual.

Putting your faith in timelines is the same as putting faith in any tactic you try to get your spouse back.

When it doesn't work? Where do you go?

Choose for YOU.

The point being, control what you can control...

YOU and your choices.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Truegritter] #2122752
01/23/11 07:33 PM
01/23/11 07:33 PM
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Coach Offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
I DO NOT SHARE MY WIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN !!!!!


You got divorced and became a statistic and walk around with a dumb look on your face because you placed your self respect and your own choices based on the actions or inaction of another...



Actually Steve did not get divorced, he is happily reconciled. His wife respected his actions and became attracted to him.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: How to Save Your Marriage During an Affair [Re: Coach] #2122756
01/23/11 08:15 PM
01/23/11 08:15 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
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TimeHeals Offline
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Quote:
Actually Steve did not get divorced, he is happily reconciled


Since when have the facts got in the way of an argument around here? smile


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
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