A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
HB.....WOW is all I can say. You have been thru alot.
I have some questins on some of the things you explained BUT first let me change courses, so to speak.
HB, I sometimes dont know why I have not had a Crisis of my on. I came to this board after I was divorced. One....didnt know this board existed and Two.....my divorce happened VERY fast. I am sure you remember reading about it, so I wont go into it. I came here and talked to people about my ex and was SO upset, at times I dont even remember writing my posts. People here began responding to me, not knowing about ME; which they normally dont know others either. THAT sometimes can cause one to NOT understand why we act the way we do and why we DO NOT listen the first 1000 times. AND mostly why we are NOT as brave as others. This brings me to this post.
I want to talk about ME..... AND WHY I am the way I am in my opinion. I am wanting to talk about this with you, because I feel like you may have some advice for me and SO you can get a better insight on me, esp. when I say the things I do. I just want you to understand where I have been in my life before my marriage. Maybe you can help.....I KNOW you are not a professional and I am NOT expecting you to fix me but I feel like you should know some things about me and MAYBE see why I am the way I am.....*and MAYBE I can figure thing out also*
SIDE NOTE: I am NOT very good with words, so I hope I dont lose you and you know what I am trying to say.
OK.....when I was young I had alot of good memories. Growing up in a HOLLAR in a small town where everyone knew everyone. Times were good, my Dad supported our family, my mom didnt work, she raised 2 boys and me and remained a housewife. Because my mom had NO LIFE of her own, she stayed discontent; Happy one day, sad the next; so needless to say her and dad fought alot. My younger brother eventually went to stay with our grandmother and that left me and brother at home with mom....my dad was a truckdriver all his life, so he wasnt around alot. I WAS daddys girl! OK....this is where it ges bad. My mom would get mad at my father and take it OUT ON ME. She litterly mentally abused me. I have been chased by knives, had pliers thrown at my head and woke up in the middle of the night with mom about to split my brains out with a wooden flower vase. I have been whipped with a belt buckle over the head because I refused to say Goodnight. I was told at times that if I went to sleep someone was gonna come in the house and kill me. I would come home from school some days and not be let in the house. I would sit on the front porch until I walked half a mile to my grandmothers to eat. Most days if my grandmother didnt feed me, I didnt eat. I have witnessed my mom pointin a gun point blank a my fathers face while I was standing behind him. I would slip out of the house when they fought and run down the rd. to my grandmothers in the rain, snow, whatever in a tee shirt in the middle of the night sometimes because I thought my mom was gonna kill my dad. I have closed my bedroom door to hold my mom out while she stabbed it several times with a butcher knife trying to get in; even at some point stabbing under the door at my feet. I litterly was scared to death for my life. She would aways say later she was bluffing and would never hurt me, but you couldnt tell me that at the time. Even though I witnessed all this, I was one of the best dressed students in my school and always was in the top percent of my class. I at times though felt like I was living with mommy dearest. (if you know who she is). My dad couldnt take the pressure and finally Left, leaving me behind to fend for myself and deal with everything. Afte dad left I felt so alone. I was the only granddaughter for a long time, my mom seemed to favor my brothers and so did my grandparents. I just felt alone. My dad would call and promise me he was coming to pick me up on weekends and I would sit in front of the window all day and watch for him. (well almost all day) AND he NEVER came. I felt like he left me and wasnt coming back. AND he did. I saw him some but he NEVER took me with him that I can remember. I would get to go stay with my aunt sometimes and swore that one day I was leaving and NEVER going back. Years later, I graduated and after graduation I went home packed my bags and told my mom I was leaving. At first she threatened me and told me she would NOT left me leave and if I tried she would hit me. I closed my eyes and walked past her leaving her for good. I never ran from her this time. I left there and never returned for a long time. I went back to visit not even 10 times during the next 25 yrs. My grandfather passed away and I could NOT even go then. The thought of driving toward that place litterly made me sick to my stomach. My mom continued over the years to fight with me when she could. I resented her so much and never wanted to visit her. She developed a blood disorder and suffered years with it. I would try to talk to her because I loved her regardless of the person she was. BUT I never went back. Two yrs. ago my mom passed away. I was with her the last two days of her life. About two months before she died, she constantly told me she loved me very much. I told her I loved her too. I never went to see her in the hospital until the last few days of her life. My mom was in and out alot in the last months. BUT this time was differnt, she knew and think I knew she wasnt coming home. Never in my 44 years of living did I ever hardly KISS my mom. There was very few times we were close that way. The day before she died I was by her side and I held her hand and kissed it, I told her I loved her and I always did. I told her before she died that I forgave her. I miss my mom so much. Its like now I miss the times we didnt have. I never missed them before. I feel like I was cheated. Shortly after dealing with all this. Two weeks,,,,,just two weeks after the funeral my h asked me for a divorce. I honestly dont know how I would have made it, if God had not of been there with me. I would look up at the sky at night and pray for my moms help. AND now going thru this with my son, I feel like I am being punished for leaving my mother.
This, I know is why I hang on to whomever or whatever will love me back......even if its just a little. I hate being alone! I hate not feeling loved. My mom, my dad, my h, and my son deserted me. That is why I cant get alone. Do you see why now?
I am sorry this post was so long, but please any insight or advice you can give me I will take.
HB....I do love my guy I am with now. I dont know if God wants me with him, but I know I dont want to be alone and he is good to me. We have are bad times mainly because I am insecure, I am trying to protect myself from someone else leaving me in my life.
I want to add that I was sent a message by God during my divorce or shortly after, I cant remember; the message was that the worst was yet to come but if I put it in his hands, I would be well pleased. A young man propheised to me. (dont know if yu believe in prophecy or not). I know God is going to take care of me. I know he is with me every step of the way and has been.
I am trying to lay it ALL at his feet.
That is my story. I welcome ANY input you have and Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me.

God Bless You,
Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
Renee,

Please do me a favor; break your post down into paragraphs when you post next time; it makes things easier to read. smile

Please don't get angry with me; as I'm about to shoot it straight; as I see it...there's food for thought in my post.

I will help you as best I can to talk it all out with you; and you're right, I cannot "fix" you; but I can point out areas to help you...the rest, as it would stand, would be up to you.

I've seen a similar childhood; my mother was mentally broken; and both her and my dad were physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward me my sister and my brother...in me, at that time, it resulted in a perfectionist; at least, until, I took the journey to wholeness and healing.

That's the short form on me; you're right, I'm not a professional; I only have insight,perception, and intuition given of God to guide me.

OK here goes:


I read through your post twice; you've suffered mental, some physical and emotional abuse throughout your childhood.

You also have abandonment issues that you've never gotten past.

Your mother was abusive in a great number of ways; and she had problems; serious mental problems and some very deep issues; as did your dad....your dad tried to solve it all by running away from everything when he could have helped, protected and supported you.

You feel both parents let you down; and they DID let you down.

They weren't half the parents they should have been; and that is NOT your fault..that lies on them.

You thought if you could be smart in your school work; making good grades, and be as perfect as you could be; you would earn their love; when this didn't happen; it set you up for further disillusionment...and this feeling of never having gotten your parent's total approval and their love; has never left you.

What your parents did; had nothing to do with you; and everything to do with them; if not you; then another daughter; so don't think it was YOU; it WASN'T.

You carried this baggage into your adult life; and you've never healed from the damage, but then, you've never REALLY faced it.

To do so, in your mind; it would destroy you; uncovering your imperfections; but guess what? I'm not perfect either; and neither is anyone else.

When someone shows you attention; you grab onto them for dear life; and smother them to the point they want to get away from you. This is due to abandonment issues within you.

You don't realize this because it is within your very nature to hold on; instead of letting go..and this aspect did also, come from your childhood.

You feel ANY relationship; emotionally hurtful or not, is better than no relationship at all.

You fear being alone; because you have a hard time dealing with it; to be truly ALONE is to have to deal with oneself; and that's hard to do...so you crave a relationship that takes your mind off YOU.

You need to understand that you have GREAT value; and another person cannot give you your self worth; self confidence and self esteem; you must find these things on your own; and develop them within YOU.

You've been left behind SO many times in your life that you feel it is what you deserve; that is NOT true; you must learn to see this within yourself.

Your self confidence is lacking; and like some people, you think that it takes another to fill the "void" within.

You can't seem to understand at this time that you can be whole within yourself.

But to be truly whole; you must face the demons from your past; and heal from the damage within; and that requires self realization and change..the very things you fear most; loneliness takes a second seat.

Yet, you ALSO fear that no one can and will love you as you are..you're afraid that if you give your heart away; you will be hurt. So, you've never really given your heart to anyone..you think you have; but you've always held back because you feel the relationship is at an end before it gets started..so you've never truly invested your heart...you've always guarded it closely; choosing a partner who also could not give you of himself; nor could he give you his heart or truly invest it in you.

Neither of you felt safe with the other; and this was because of the baggage between the two of you...we seem to be drawn to what is familiar; and this familiarity also comes from childhood.

Emotional patterns can be and are repeated from childhood; it is only when the journey is taken that we learn a better way to deal with people...our interactions don't just include our spouse and children, but other people, too.

Apparently; you've not looked deep within yourself; and seen honestly and clearly what you need to do for yourself. This is the journey I keep speaking of...where change and growth comes to pass. But only IF you're willing to take the road; and walk it all the WHOLE way...shedding your past; coming to terms with it; eventually putting it where it should be; behind in the past.

It also involves forgiving the people who hurt you; and most importantly and ultimately, forgiving yourself.

It's a scary thing to face one's self; and know that change must come; but not know HOW to bring it about...this is where research comes in; and you learn as you read various self help books, read the board; talk to people; and listen to their points of view.

People can help you put a brighter light on your pain; and they can help you face it; acting as a sounding board.

But you gotta learn to listen, really listen; and within that listening; you learn truths about yourself you didn't know before.

Depending upon the strength of your intuition; turn to the Lord for help; He knows us better than we know ourselves..and He is another source of counseling; if we learn to simply listen.

You've never gone through the transition/change; because when you feel unsettled; you fight it tooth and nail; putting it on a back burner; forcing it back; and people can do that for as long as they need to; IF they are aware of it.

On the other hand; you need to get to the understanding that you are NEVER being punished for anything when you face a hard time in your life.

Each trial you face is for your growth; understanding; and ultimately, change within yourself. There is something to learn out of everything you face on the outside; because, if you allow it to, it will will change you on the inside; bringing about another aspect of change within.

God doesn't cause things to happen; He ALLOWS things to happen.

These things get our attention in a hurry, so we will go through a learning process. smile

Through our trials; we learn to trust in Him for whatever outcome will come...knowing He cares for us; and He will help us.

In order to get help, you must first learn to ACCEPT the help.

You can talk a problem to death; but if you don't accept a solution; it continues to be a problem.

Food for thought. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
Renee,

Please do me a favor; break your post down into paragraphs when you post next time; it makes things easier to read. smile
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing

Please don't get angry with me; as I'm about to shoot it straight; as I see it...there's food for thought in my post.

I would never get mad for u shooting it straight.

I will help you as best I can to talk it all out with you; and you're right, I cannot "fix" you; but I can point out areas to help you...the rest, as it would stand, would be up to you.

I've seen a similar childhood; my mother was mentally broken; and both her and my dad were physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward me my sister and my brother...in me, at that time, it resulted in a perfectionist; at least, until, I took the journey to wholeness and healing.

That's the short form on me; you're right, I'm not a professional; I only have insight,perception, and intuition given of God to guide me.

OK here goes:


I read through your post twice; you've suffered mental, some physical and emotional abuse throughout your childhood.

You also have abandonment issues that you've never gotten past.

Your mother was abusive in a great number of ways; and she had problems; serious mental problems and some very deep issues; as did your dad....your dad tried to solve it all by running away from everything when he could have helped, protected and supported you.

You feel both parents let you down; and they DID let you down.

They weren't half the parents they should have been; and that is NOT your fault..that lies on them.

You thought if you could be smart in your school work; making good grades, and be as perfect as you could be; you would earn their love; when this didn't happen; it set you up for further disillusionment...and this feeling of never having gotten your parent's total approval and their love; has never left you.

What your parents did; had nothing to do with you; and everything to do with them; if not you; then another daughter; so don't think it was YOU; it WASN'T.

You carried this baggage into your adult life; and you've never healed from the damage, but then, you've never REALLY faced it.

To do so, in your mind; it would destroy you; uncovering your imperfections; but guess what? I'm not perfect either; and neither is anyone else.

When someone shows you attention; you grab onto them for dear life; and smother them to the point they want to get away from you. This is due to abandonment issues within you.

You don't realize this because it is within your very nature to hold on; instead of letting go..and this aspect did also, come from your childhood.

You feel ANY relationship; emotionally hurtful or not, is better than no relationship at all.

You fear being alone; because you have a hard time dealing with it; to be truly ALONE is to have to deal with oneself; and that's hard to do...so you crave a relationship that takes your mind off YOU.

You need to understand that you have GREAT value; and another person cannot give you your self worth; self confidence and self esteem; you must find these things on your own; and develop them within YOU.

You've been left behind SO many times in your life that you feel it is what you deserve; that is NOT true; you must learn to see this within yourself.

Your self confidence is lacking; and like some people, you think that it takes another to fill the "void" within.

You can't seem to understand at this time that you can be whole within yourself.

But to be truly whole; you must face the demons from your past; and heal from the damage within; and that requires self realization and change..the very things you fear most; loneliness takes a second seat.

Yet, you ALSO fear that no one can and will love you as you are..you're afraid that if you give your heart away; you will be hurt. So, you've never really given your heart to anyone..you think you have; but you've always held back because you feel the relationship is at an end before it gets started..so you've never truly invested your heart...you've always guarded it closely; choosing a partner who also could not give you of himself; nor could he give you his heart or truly invest it in you.

Neither of you felt safe with the other; and this was because of the baggage between the two of you...we seem to be drawn to what is familiar; and this familiarity also comes from childhood.

Emotional patterns can be and are repeated from childhood; it is only when the journey is taken that we learn a better way to deal with people...our interactions don't just include our spouse and children, but other people, too.

Apparently; you've not looked deep within yourself; and seen honestly and clearly what you need to do for yourself. This is the journey I keep speaking of...where change and growth comes to pass. But only IF you're willing to take the road; and walk it all the WHOLE way...shedding your past; coming to terms with it; eventually putting it where it should be; behind in the past.

It also involves forgiving the people who hurt you; and most importantly and ultimately, forgiving yourself.

It's a scary thing to face one's self; and know that change must come; but not know HOW to bring it about...this is where research comes in; and you learn as you read various self help books, read the board; talk to people; and listen to their points of view.

People can help you put a brighter light on your pain; and they can help you face it; acting as a sounding board.

But you gotta learn to listen, really listen; and within that listening; you learn truths about yourself you didn't know before.

Depending upon the strength of your intuition; turn to the Lord for help; He knows us better than we know ourselves..and He is another source of counseling; if we learn to simply listen.

You've never gone through the transition/change; because when you feel unsettled; you fight it tooth and nail; putting it on a back burner; forcing it back; and people can do that for as long as they need to; IF they are aware of it.

On the other hand; you need to get to the understanding that you are NEVER being punished for anything when you face a hard time in your life.

Each trial you face is for your growth; understanding; and ultimately, change within yourself. There is something to learn out of everything you face on the outside; because, if you allow it to, it will will change you on the inside; bringing about another aspect of change within.

God doesn't cause things to happen; He ALLOWS things to happen.

These things get our attention in a hurry, so we will go through a learning process. smile

Through our trials; we learn to trust in Him for whatever outcome will come...knowing He cares for us; and He will help us.

In order to get help, you must first learn to ACCEPT the help.

You can talk a problem to death; but if you don't accept a solution; it continues to be a problem.

Food for thought. smile





_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
Sorry I was trying to quote u and give a response.....dang edit button!!!

Anyway I would never get mad at u!


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 430
Hi Renee, smile

LOL, I know what you mean about the edit button. smile

Quote:
Anyway I would never get mad at u!


I'm glad you feet that way; but I always say up front that I'm blunt in what I perceive and see...me, I would rather someone told me direct truth to help me; than to talk around it.

I had several people who loved me enough to get very blunt with me...and I appreciated their efforts; even as I got angry at what they were trying to tell me.

I got angry sometimes at what I DIDN'T want to see as I was going through the uncovering of the areas within me that needed healing; but never at the person or people who helped me uncover all of it.

The last thing any of us want to hear is that we need to change.

And, granted, we do NOT have to change; but I've come to understand it was necessary; in order to become what God meant for me to be. It took time and extreme effort to go through the "becoming" and the subsequent rebirth I went through.

Darts of truth and perception sometimes hits nerves and hard...I've been there, too...even God hit me in areas that I never expected; and exposed truths I needed to see for my own growth and healing.

These changes have never halted or even finished; instead, they continue; for every year of my life, there is additional change that must be faced, whether emotional, spiritual or physical.

And I'm still not where I should be at times; I don't think anyone ever reaches a "pinnacle" within their changes...as we are always changing, growing and developing.

Give what I said in my prior post some thought; and we'll go further with it, if you like.

It is up to you, however you wish to do this. smile

Have a good one. smile


Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
Wanted to update my situation with bf. We had our couselling session with our Pastor. He told us he did NOT think we were ready for marriage 1)I am still needy and need to work on self. 2)BF has some issues of committment to work out. Those were the two main reasons. My bf plays a game online and it takes up alot of time and the Pastor feels with the pressure of trying to lay this down along with my pressure of marriage, it is NOT helping our situation. Pastor seems to think we need to wait and said he commended my bf for waiting on God.
He also said that I should be thankful that i have a man that is NOT wanting to take advantage of me.
Pastor said we can NOT change each other but each of us can change ourselves. He says I have two choices,,,,wait on bf to be ready OR leave. He says NO MORE pushing bf. He said I am trying to manipulate bf into marriage.
I told him bf was not as attentive as I would like, and that our Love Languages were different. Pastor said we can NOT change each other. I told him I thought bf needed to meet me half way and be more attentive......Pastor said THIS was also maniplating.

He did not agree with the living arrangement of course.

I prb should have added that bf and I argue alot. It use to be about marriage and the pressure with being intimate. I take blame for that mostly. BUT alot of it is communication. Please dont misread this. BF and I have alot of different opinions on things and ways to approach things. I jump in and he researches the life out of it.

Bf and I have alot of fun together and he is good to me. He provides for me and does little things for me. Example.....I woke to pancakes and sausage in bed a couple days ago. What a way to wake up! BUT I do for him too.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and can cry or get my feelings hurt in a instance. I have always been this way. I hear things one way when someone could mean another. KWIM?

I love to pamper my man, as did I with ex. This can be a bad things though. Sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of when doing this. I mean if someone can lay back and let someone else do for them and that person does it gladly then it becomes a habit. Sometimes I feel this way with bf. Even though he does things for me I feel I do more for him. I know also that it should be a contest and I dont mean to make it that way.

My bf is very different but I love him. I love him with all my heart. I can honestly say that. I asked him if he felt the same about me and he said he loved me. I said with all your heart? *which my friend told me to quit asking questions.....and just let the relationship happen* BF said that to him when you love someone with all your heart you are ready to marry them and he is not ready. This concerned me. Bf asked why I had to measure everything. These talks he DOES NOT like to have because they usually turn into an argument.

Well thats all the time I have to post right now. I will post more later.

Hugs to all,
Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
DB him. Quit the R talks!

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,165
I agree Andabelle.

I havent read Divorce Remendy. I cant afford to buy it and my library doesnt carry it. Someone told me this book would help me alot. BUT I cant afford it right now.

Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 431
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 431
Your library can probably get it through their interlibrary loan program. Why not ask them?


M 65
H 64
T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08
Two Ds

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,064
Try that. Or, maybe you can order a used copy through Amazon?

Also, you might look at threads of people with MlCers still in the house. I can't think of any names offhand... help, anyone?

Page 5 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004