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Scared

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she is sick of me being hurtful, mean and doing and saying mean hurtful things.

I would be too if you said and did hurtful things to me for 20 years.

Quote:
May seem easy to change but it has been a long 8 months since she dropped the bomb in May

You say mean things for 20 years
you have only been dealing with this for 8 months
Do you think 8 months of your changes is enough to erase the hurt that she has had for 20 years?

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Tonight I came home from work and she told me she is done

Better believe that she is telling you the truth and learn the STFU (shut the f up) before you make things worse.

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I have said some very mean evil things over the holidays and that lead to the final straw.

Do you know what a controlling person is?

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So It seems to be mostly my fault.

Well if you said hurtful things over the holidays……do you think it is not your fault? You pushed buddy and guess what she pushed back. You wanna save this…then stop pushing.

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We are military stationed over in Germany so that makes it hard for her to just up and separate or leave, plus middle of school year as well.

Believe it or not…this may be a good thing. If you can keep your mouth shut, check your male ego at the door you just may have a chance at saving this.

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Tomorrow we have the marriage counseling and more chat this evening but it appears i will not be swaying her opinion.

My advice for tomorrow MC session is to KEEP YOUR F*CKING MOUTH SHUT! Listen to her complaints and I mean really listen to them. DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF but at the same token do not sit there and admit to being a total as*. As much as possible LISTEN. DO NOT PUSH HER, DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD, LISTEN.

Let me repeat….LISTEN.

Oh BTW, did I forget to tell you to LISTEN!

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Now my question is, do I make the changes anyway in hopes it could salvage or will she take the attempts as my last ditch effort?

Changes done for the sole purpose of keeping her are manipulative and she will see them as such. Changes made because YOU really realized that you could be an as* sometime are change that you want to make for YOU so I would say keep working on them.

Scared, the only thing that I wish I could drill into your head is that DB is really about saving yourself. I came here broken and a child….I leave here…fixed and a man.

You choose what you want from all of this.

Read as much as you can. Never lose hope and keep posting.

God Bless,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Wow, you are so very true. I see things a bit differently now that she has told me Bye. I just got on here to check messages but I am heading back over to chill with my son on XBOX. Wife is picking daughter up from school and tonight my goal is to breathe and count to 5 whenever I feel tension and then calm the heck down!


Me - 39 yrs old
Wife - 39 yrs old
Married - 18 years
Together - almost 21 year
Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10
Bomb Dropped in May 2010
Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 138
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Scared,

Not only is it time for you to hold your tongue it is also time for you to start to work on changing your self.

If you can get a copy of Controlling People by Patricia Evans get it.

Also go to a forum called Mevac it stands for Men ending verbal Abuse and Control. My wife dropped the sledge hammer on me "telling me she was done" after 20 years of abuse and it woke me up. I've changed a lot and have more work to do. I'm a better father and kinder and gentler person today.

Stop worrying about what she says and does its out of your control. Get the book go to mevac and get to work on you. Your wife has given you a tremendous gift by waking up. Use it regardless of what she does. This is about you.

What did you say that was controlling and hurtful over the holidays?

Learn to Love yourself.

Joe


H:37
W:34
D11,S8,S6
Together 19 years
M:10
Bomb:4/09
JTJ #2118198 01/05/11 10:47 AM
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Ok so the evening after the bomb went ok, I finally got up walked over to the couch and bent over hugged her and wished her a happy new year. We had not done so yet, yes it was the 5th of January. She said the same to me, we watched a few TV shows and then later we went to bed. I asked for a kiss when in bed and she asked me, what is with all the attention now that you know I am leaving. I was kinda confused but I get it. I am just finally at that point where I blew it, but that does not mean she has to still be treated badly. Right. I kinda came to a realisation yesterday that the reason Chivalry and Man of the House are common terms. Because they are true. Woman deserve to feel safe and secure with their husband. She has never had that with me. Now when I walk thru the door everyday from now until June I will ensure that she sees I get it. Even if it too late, she still deserves to be loved.


Me - 39 yrs old
Wife - 39 yrs old
Married - 18 years
Together - almost 21 year
Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10
Bomb Dropped in May 2010
Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 275
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My biggest question is.... Do I ask her what I need to fix or do I just do it. I need to know if I can change my ways will she stay come June. Do I ask her that specifically or do I just float it out so to speak.....

My question would be...

"If I can make all these changes will you stay?"

She told me not to make promises and that she cannot make any promises either.


Me - 39 yrs old
Wife - 39 yrs old
Married - 18 years
Together - almost 21 year
Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10
Bomb Dropped in May 2010
Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 291
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I am not a veteran at this, but that last question is an easy one. "NO".

You can not make changes just so she will stay. You have to make genuine changes for you. If that makes her stay, great!

Just do the changes. Don't talk to her about them. If they are genuine, she will notice. Also, don't be looking over your shoulder waiting for results. Have patience. It is going to get worse before it gets better. You must be prepared for that.

I would not ask her any of that stuff. I don't think she wants to be an instruction manual. I think you probably know what she wants, and what YOU want to do. I know this is hard but, time to shut up and do it. No more words.


H-40 W-38
Together-20
Married-12
boy-7 girl-3
bomb-9/17/10
No papers
live together
No affair
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I agree with Habit. Most WAW's have a certain amount of cold heartedness toward a H who shows any signs of clinginess or neediness. Asking her what it would take to get her to stay would make you appear weak in her eyes. What attracts us gals are men who show self-confindence. That is a form of inner strength and people can pick up on that in a minute....especially your W.

You may still be having a problem with the idea that you need to make changes in order to be a better "you". Some men have the thought that if the W is not going to stay then there is no point bothering to make changes. However, that is the wrong mental attitude.

You have a good idea what she "doesn't" like, right? So, just don't do what you know she dislikes. Then you become the man who any woman would be crazy for leaving.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I agree with Habit. Most WAW's have a certain amount of cold heartedness toward a H who shows any signs of clinginess or neediness. Asking her what it would take to get her to stay would make you appear weak in her eyes. What attracts us gals are men who show self-confindence. That is a form of inner strength and people can pick up on that in a minute....especially your W.

You may still be having a problem with the idea that you need to make changes in order to be a better "you". Some men have the thought that if the W is not going to stay then there is no point bothering to make changes. However, that is the wrong mental attitude.

You have a good idea what she "doesn't" like, right? So, just don't do what you know she dislikes. Then you become the man who any woman would be crazy for leaving.



Sandi, that last paragraph really hit home.......


M - 42
W - 41
Married 9 years July 24, 2010
WAW moved out 8-9-10
2nd Marriage for Both
S 2
SS 13 from W first Marriage
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we talked effectivly last night and honesty really did come out, no anger in our talk, just honesty and I really felt better afterwards. Now I just need to walk the walk and stop talking the talk.


Me - 39 yrs old
Wife - 39 yrs old
Married - 18 years
Together - almost 21 year
Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10
Bomb Dropped in May 2010
Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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Quote:
Now I just need to walk the walk and stop talking the talk
.

The walk is what she'll notice. After a time, talk doesn't do much as for "fixing" what's broken.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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