girl, you will get through apathy and then you may get...mad. Verrry mad. And your H will be there to face all that. How he handles it will be interesting and telling.
If H and OW continue to work together, it wont work. Because you will drive yourself crazy about their encounters and they may go back to reconnecting. So, that is something to think about IMO.
6 years is a long time. He obviously feels it as "normal". You and her are different parts of his life (although it sounds he had managed to have you both mixed and that's weird). I dont think you will ever be able to explain.
I would kick him out. Just to get my act together. Just to see that this is SERIOUS. Sounds like he is downplaying it a bit, no?
My mom had a huge acoustic nevrinoma. We had the surgery in Germany, in a micro neuro center we were advised was the best. She had no side effects. NONE. We were doubting she had that 10 hour operation. She had lost the 50% of her hearing on one ear before the operation and that didnt change. I am sorry for your friend.
The most beautiful sound I ever heard: Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . . All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . . Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
You are a gem, Maria. My grandfather had a big beautiful booming voice and would sing that to a family friend. I always hear his voice when I think of your name and of you. My grandfather loved things of beauty and I know you and he would have hit it off. He was the loveliest man I've ever known. I miss him.
*****
It absolutely won't do for OW to continue working here. At this moment, I have no intention of quiting my job. I've been here 11 years and I've invested myself into my work as much as I've invested myself into my marriage. I may change my mind in the future, but for today, I'm staying put. As I mentioned before, her desk is completely cleaned out. The only items she left behind are gifts I had given to her over the years when I thought she was a friend.
I did get mad last night and I let my husband feel it. I told him his "don't worry about it" explanation was unacceptable and he asked what was it that I wanted to know. I said, "THE TRUTH." He said he took the items to storage until he figures out if he should donate them or throw them away. I'm waiting for him to reach the point of "Not Just Friends" that goes into the process of getting rid of gifts from the affair partner.
Speaking of the book, he picked it up very briefly last night and then asked me to watch a TV show with him. The show is called "Lie to Me" and it's about a body language expert that reaches the truth through interpreting "microexpressions". It was interesting but I imagine H must have felt uncomfortable because extramarital affairs were brought up, in addition to signs that someone is lying. One expression mentioned was contempt, which is shown with a slight snarl. (As I walked by OW's old desk this morning, I felt an involuntary snarl on my face.)
He started another episode and I felt my irritation and anger roiling and building. I poured myself a glass of wine, grabbed (snatched) the book off the coffee table and went into the backyard. It was pouring rain and I hurled the book into the garden. I felt so irritated and angry that he wasn't showing me his commitment to reading it. After I downed my wine I went back inside and found myself behaving very passive-aggressively - slamming a door, every movement loud and obvious (I know, real mature, huh?). It got his attention. I told him that I reached my limit and needed space from him. I didn't see the effort I needed to see. I won't be investing anymore of myself without getting more than crumbs in return.
He said he was sorry that he didn't always know what steps to take to show me and tell me how he feels. I called him emotionally retarded and told him his actions speak louder than words.
I cried a little and raged a lot. I told him I was tired of showing him empathy. I knew it was what the book told me to do, but I feel innocent this time and I feel he needs to do the 'work'. I told him, "I NEED SPACE FROM YOU!!" He told me he would leave; that he's ruined my life enough already and he can't bear to see me hurting like this but his inability to express himself didn't mean he didn't hate what he's done to me.
More was discussed. I don't even remember now. It feels like the same conversation over and over. The same circle of emotions over and over. I need help in dealing with this.
I told him at that moment, I wasn't ready for him to leave yet; but my feelings could change tomorrow. I want to take my time in processing this, but I do feel it's moving too slow.
After our conversation, I laid down next to him for a few minutes, just to feel something that use to be natural and beautiful. My stomach was hurting from the wine and lack of food (although I forced myself to eat yesterday: a few crackers and a cup of soup), but the wine made me feel icky. I went upstairs to bed. When he came up an hour or so later, I woke to him kissing me on my forehead.
I do believe he feels remorse and I don't believe he's downplaying it, but I don't trust what I feel. When I try to explain the interactions between us, I don't do a very good job of expressing the intensity involved.
My lack of energy over the past few days may be due to forgetting to take my thyroid medicine. My routine has been completely derailed (I almost typed "unrailed", my brain is not functioning!). I keep sleeping past (passed??? - why am I having such a hard time with this word? What is happening to me??!) my alarm and NEED to get back to daily exercise. I must promise myself to start up again tomorrow morning.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Did he already say he had his last conversation with her? If you want to hold him to that, do so. You are at a good place to set some boundaries. Let him know what you expect. Think about what the consequences would be though. All or nothing, or less than that.
You CAN do this! No doubt.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am getting more convinced that space from him would be a good thing right now, whatever the end result. You are not taking care of yourself, and it's getting to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Which means that you really are not in a place where you can make good decisions as long as he is there.
He's not ready either. He hasn't figured out that no contact means no contact, not no contact unless she contacts me first.
I am getting more convinced that space from him would be a good thing right now, whatever the end result. You are not taking care of yourself, and it's getting to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Which means that you really are not in a place where you can make good decisions as long as he is there.
THANK YOU. This makes a lot of sense to me. HUGE HUGS back.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
In my opinion, he needs to send her a "No contact letter". He will never speak to her again, and she is not to contact him for any reason. The letter needs to be OK'ed by you and sent to her, with her knowing that that you are aware of that letter, and he will tell you any time she contacts him.
