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A Message from Michele
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article on infidelity #2113613
12/13/10 07:46 PM
12/13/10 07:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
west coast
L
lodo Offline OP
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lodo  Offline OP
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L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
west coast
All,

I haven't been on here for quite some time. It was a great place to visit and get support, but eventually it was time to shut the door on my divorce and look forward to my future.

This past Sunday, though, I read an article in the NYT about infidelity that I thought was very well written. So I thought I'd share it here.

In the past, the moderators would sometimes label my links to support articles as "advertisements," so if the link is obliterated, you can find the article by looking for "A Roomful of Yearning and Regret" by Wendy Plump, New York Times, Dec. 12, 2010.

Roomful of Yearing and Regret

Take care of yourself, lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
Re: article on infidelity [Re: lodo] #2113636
12/13/10 08:38 PM
12/13/10 08:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 234
W
wanttobebetter Offline
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wanttobebetter  Offline
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W
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 234
That is a great article. Thanks for sharing.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Re: article on infidelity [Re: wanttobebetter] #2113642
12/13/10 08:53 PM
12/13/10 08:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Southeast
W
wa40 Offline
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wa40  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Southeast

Wow, what a great article...thanks for posting.


Me W41 WAH43
D13 D11
Married 18 years
S March 2009
D filed by me April 2010
WAH/EA/PA
Re: article on infidelity [Re: lodo] #2113654
12/13/10 10:00 PM
12/13/10 10:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
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TimeHeals  Offline
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T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Quote:
I recently offered my cheated-upon view of things to my acquaintance, who has returned every night for a week to that hotel because he cannot bear to look at his wife. A couple of years ago I offered the other side to a friend when she was considering having an affair.

Start, I suggested to her, by picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.

I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. If you believed they did, your stomach wouldn’t drop on your way out the door to your lover’s. You wouldn’t feel the need to shower before climbing into the marital bed after a liaison. You wouldn’t feel like a train had struck you in the back when your son asked why you forgot his lacrosse game the other day.


I liked this column today. Very honest. No excuses are made for bad behavior.


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: article on infidelity [Re: TimeHeals] #2113658
12/13/10 10:20 PM
12/13/10 10:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator
Jack_Three_Beans  Offline
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J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Quote:

I say all this by way of hope, believe it or not. Affairs are one of the adult world’s few disasters that can be gotten over, with a lot of time and kindness. It has to burn out of you over months and months, flaming up and then subsiding as you get used to the fact.

A great deal of comfort will come from your friends, many of whom will offer advice — hate him, leave him, move on — that you should listen to politely and then reject. After all, the consequences of your decisions will be visited upon you, not your friends. They will be only too happy to amplify your confusion, listen to you cry, and then get into the car and drive home to their own intact families


That's the part I enjoyed.

All from a perspective of wisdom, 20 years later.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: article on infidelity [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2113659
12/13/10 10:24 PM
12/13/10 10:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
T
TimeHeals Offline
Member
TimeHeals  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,694
Oh, you can get over them and stay married alright. If there is remorse, if the affair has ended.


You can't do it if it's still going on, however.


M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: article on infidelity [Re: TimeHeals] #2113660
12/13/10 10:28 PM
12/13/10 10:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator
Jack_Three_Beans  Offline
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J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Agreed, in fact I think we would both say for many reasons the first and foremost being for the benefit of the LBSer it HAS to be that way.

My point was this lady, who had the affair says it takes months and months, my take was she meant the affair it being over.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: article on infidelity [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2115985
12/24/10 05:14 PM
12/24/10 05:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 49
CO
N
Nina Offline
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Nina  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 49
CO
Great article. Kudos to the author's parents for making it to their 50th. Marriages in-intact for that long are trully rare.

Whether EA or PA both are deadly to a marriage. You need not be in a motel room with SOOTYS to escape your marriage.

Remorse for and by the cheating spouse's actions is key. Otherwise it can be expected to happen again.

I have spoken to many older individuals who left their 1st marriage and reflect back with regret after 20+ years, "She didn't get the best of me when I was that young. Today I am settled and a much better man." "My pride got in the way of my marriage. Today, I am older and wiser." "She was a good woman to me. I could have been better to her." "I was too young. I lacked the wisdom I have now." Despite it all, it doesn't excuse the pain you caused someone else.


M = 10.5 years
H = 35
W = 39
D = 10
S = 12
SD = 19
Bomb Dropped = 10/27
EA = April
Re: article on infidelity [Re: Nina] #2118255
01/05/11 05:13 PM
01/05/11 05:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
Martinsburg, WV
N
NNP1965 Offline
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NNP1965  Offline
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N
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
Martinsburg, WV
very good article... thanks for sharing the link


Me 54
DS19 and DS17
Married 06/1989
Divorced 01/2011

Moderated by  Virginia 

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