What happens to the WAS after D?

[Golfgirl1]

gm23,
I filed because XH and OW work together and decided it would be sweet to hide money from me. In the end, he had to pay all my attorney fees and I got what I wanted. He got a broken-down Skankarella who controls his every move. Yuck!

[soleil]

Not moving the process along only hurts yourself. You stay stuck. Yes, you didn't want the D in the first place, but the WAS does, and now it's time to move it along.

Gabby is spot on.

[ClingingToHope]

....."CTH- not your thread, but you shouldn't be agreeing with that. You have been sitting around in this not divorced state, but separated for some time. You need to push yours along so you can finally heal for your sake, and your kids sake. If it stays on paper, it doesn't make you anymore married emotionally. It just keeps you stuck." ... GabbysMom

I think I'm healing fine and 10 years from now when the D comes up, and it will, I'll be able to say to the girls that I did not want the divorce, I did nothing to move it along. I don't feel stuck anymore emotionally. Every day is an opportunity.

Look, in my case, for 15 years I've been "finishing things" for STBXW. She never completed anything. She'd hem and haw and come up with excuses and I'd step in at the last second and get things done. She wants a divorce, it's up to her to get one.

Everyone on here is different. I am comfortable with my action -- or lack of action.

[DumpedforMIL]

i would like to think that the WAS is remorseful after a D but i think it depends. i wouldn't think my stbxh is remorseful just because he's a stubborn pigheaded excrement releasing orfice who has to be right at all costs. narcissists never think they are wrong.

i think WAW usually end up financially hurt in the end. but what about WAHs? are they better off?

what about the LBWs? are they better off financially? i know it isn't about money but i know that the standard of living for women drop after a divorce - much greater drop than men.

i'm not bitter. i'm better.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I don't know about the financial outcome being difficult for the WAWs or perhaps my situation is the exception to the rule. STBXW will get more money than she ever had and I will get more debt than I've ever had.

I also don't think my WAS has much guilt or remorse. In her mind there's no such thing as right or wrong. If she's decided on something that's what she'll do and it doesn't matter what casualties there are along the way just as long as she gets what she wants. I don't think she wants to hurt anyone on purpose but she's oblivious to anyone else's suffering, most WAS are like that.

I'm glad to see that some of you are moving forward and enjoying your new lives. Personally, while I can't say I'm enjoying my new life but it's not too bad. I do miss not having someone to love and share my deepest thoughts with but as of late I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably better off alone. All the heartache, expectations etc is it really worth it? I used to think so but not so much anymore.

[kml]

Romeo -
Careful about thinking that way. That's how hermits get started - guys like the last one I dated. He was married twice but had been single for 20 years after the last divorce. The last one was so painful (she cheated on him and dumped him without warning) that he has spent the last 20 years making sure no one woman gets too close. He has had tons of lovers and female friends, he enjoys their company but makes sure to keep them all at arms length. It's a pattern I'm starting to see in guys my age. But you're too young to start down that path.

Just hone your woman-picking skills. Or ask trusted friends to vet your dates, lol.

[ImprovedRomeo]

kml, yep, he sounds like my future version Hey after two failures you've got to wonder about the lowest common denominator and the chances of success in the future lol

I like women, no...I LOVE them and have several good female friends. But as far as marriage I really wonder why I would want to marry again? I already have an amazing daughter who's everything to me. I'm not one of those men who need someone to cook or do laundry for them, I don't need anyone to help me raise my D. I do miss the emotional connection but it's not necessary for survival, other than that it's the physical desire but that's not necessary either (ok kinda is but technically speaking lol) you can get that from dating I suppose. I'm not sure I can do that personally but who knows maybe I'll become a different person from now on.

I don't mean to sound jaded but I really am not seeing any compelling reasons to have another legal piece of paper hung around my neck that says I'm now legally on the hook to support someone else with my earnings just because I called them my spouse, F that!

[luvless]

I don't think my WAS has much guilt or remorse. In her mind there's no such thing as right or wrong. If she's decided on something that's what she'll do and it doesn't matter what casualties there are along the way just as long as she gets what she wants. I don't think she wants to hurt anyone on purpose but she's oblivious to anyone else's suffering, most WAS are like that.

I'm glad to see that some of you are moving forward and enjoying your new lives. Personally, while I can't say I'm enjoying my new life but it's not too bad. I do miss not having someone to love and share my deepest thoughts with but as of late I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably better off alone. All the heartache, expectations etc is it really worth it? I used to think so but not so much anymore.

I could have written this myself.

[kml]

Romeo -
I'm kinda with you on the marriage thing. Don't get me wrong though - I DO desire a long-term monogamous relationship - just one without the paperwork.

Meanwhile, though......are you tall dark and handsome????

[DumpedforMIL]

i agree. but i will admit that i am jaded. i have deep trust issues. i would keep everyone at arms length.

do i need that emotional connection? all women do. but if i don't have it, then i don't. i won't spend the energy to go out and look for it.

physical connection? don't need that either. there are so many risks, baggage, issues, etc. drama! don't need it, don't want it.

my h would rather be a hermit. he was a hermit when i met him. dumped me to go back to that hermit lifestyle where all his needs are met by his mother. physical? he buys a ton of lotion and porn. yup. i've been replaced by costco size bottle of vaseline and porn.

how can i keep that ring on my finger? i couldn't take it off fast enough.

the only reason why i would want a marriage is for children. i don't have any. but there are ways to do that without a man these days.