My husband told me what his major complaints about me are. He can't hold me, because I always push him away. This is true, but he always seemed to make sexual advances and I didn't like it. I didn't feel connected. I just felt like a piece of meat. His other complaint is that he was lonely last year and I hurt him alot. I had just started a new job teaching and it took up all my time. I literaly didn't have time for myself let alone him or even the kids. I hurt him by lying to him about some things. One of those lies was that I was taking an anti-depressent against his wishes. I had anxiety and depression and was stressed with my new job. I needed to cope and both my doctor and therapyst recommended it. I just kept it from him. I lied about two other petty things that in the end where due to the fact that I just didn't wan't to hear my husband lecture about why I made the poor decision I had made. I already knew my decisions were poor. I just didn't want to hear it from him. So I lied. I am not a very good liar, so he immediately caught it. I apologized and explained to my husband how I felt, but he didn't care. He was just upset and stayed that way for weeks.
Really, there were just too many aspects of our marriage that were not healthy or strong. In no specific order.
First, my relationship with my husband is more of a parent child relationship. He is the parent and I am the child.
Second,God isn't in the relationship. Having God, helps us to be accountable to doing the right thing and making wise choices.
Third, there is no forgivenss and a major lack of compassion.
Fourth, my husband has always desired the OW. I know this because he as never let her go and has always talked about her. He even said he had wanted to marry her, but I got pregnant with our son. So his heart was never fully in the marriage, which would not allow us to ever really grow as we should have.
Fifth, too many misconceptions about marriage on both sides.
Sixth, he is unhappy with his life. Somehow, I am the cause of that.
Seventh, boundries are missing.
Eight, my husband never really learned to deal with problems in his previous relationships when they became difficult. Rather he was either rejected or he was the rejecter. This involves major relationships with his parents and other important people in his life. Most of these relationsips just ended.
Nine, both of us were defending our hearts and didn't give entirely to the other. Trust was absent in the marriage.
Ten, the root of bitterness exists in my husband's heart. The first year we dated, I had an abortion. Our baby of course. I was in college and a single parent. I was afraid and did what I thought would be best for me. He admitted to me that he never really recovered from that.
In the end, I know I was not perfect. I know I needed to make changes, and did to a degree. When my efforts became attractive to my husband, I didn't make him the priority. I made my vision of beginning my career the priority. I was wrong. I should have made more of an effort to show my husband that I still loved him and that he was still important. Nvertheless, I forgive myself and my husband.
The thing that will be difficult is forgiving him for what he will do to me tomorrow. It is starting to get ugly. I am in a terrible storm and my perception is that it is only going to worsen.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
I am going to move to the divorce venue. Both of us have retained lawyers. My husband is in a rush to get out. I had to protect myself financially as he cut me off. He is paying most of the bills, but is expecting me to do more than what I actually can. I am down in the dumps for now, but still working on me.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Hi, Nina. Are you still on the DivorceBusting boards anywhere? I just recently figured out how to "watch" a topic or I'd have read your posts more faithfully. You are still in my prayers.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
