Congrats on the "que sera sera" Nina. I am struggling with the balance between accepting my fate and getting a life versus staying hopeful and focused on solution focused changes. Can you invest yourself in both at the same time? I'm glad you're enjoying your life some - I should try that, I guess.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Yes, you should try enjoying your life, some or more. It makes the greatest difference in your own self-esteem and confidence, especially after feeling rejected by your spouse.
Your question is both hard and easy. What (we)you and I are going through, rejection, hurt, unbelievable pain,a sense of death (of the marriage) is not easy and to try and be happy and motivate yourself to find any sense of peace let alone joy seems impossible. You can find it though. Try different things. Begin with acceptance, love and forgiveness.
Accept wherever it is in your marriage/relationship that you are at and expect nothing from your spouse. Since, you are no longer in control and have little influence on your marriage at this point, turn your marriage over to God and seek His guidance and counsel. Follow DB/DR suggestions and read other books on marriage. Educate yourself on what a healthy marriage looks like and needs to be in order for it to be successful. I am reading Boundries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend and am picking up Keeping Love Alive from this site. Talk to someone who will encourage you to hang in there, DB counselors if you can afford it. Do not listen to those who tell you to give up, even if they mean well. It is because of my faith, that things hoped for but not seen (restoration of my marriage), is what is helping me to stay hopeful. My God is guiding me, giving me wisdom and the strength to move forward despite whatever the outcome may be. Much of the DB/DR suggestions also coincide with what the bible talks about in relationships. Go figure.
My solution focused changes are more about me and what I am doing for myself. Since, I couldn't get my husband to tell me what were his major complaints about me, someone on this board suggessted I create my own list for me and what I want to change about me. As a result of that list my Bucket List was born. Out of that came my decision to try snow boarding. I am also going to a basketball game in a couple of weeks. I have never done any of these things. I am kind of re-inventing myself, I guess. I like it. I am restoring old relationships with old friends and building on the relationships I already have. I am socializing and going out. I am going to church, working out and enjoying my children. I am just taking care of me and my kids. Even in this storm, I have been blessed by God and that is what is keeping me from drowning, so to speak. I am looking at and enjoying my blessings.
Everyday, I pray that my husband becomes so miserable with his present life (seperated from his family) that he gets on his knees and prays for help from the Lord. If he can do this, then our marriage may have a chance. Everyday, I pray that the OW is convicted by God to reckognize her part in the demise of my marriage, my family. Regardless, I have to forgive both of them as well as myself. This will take time, but I am asking the Lord for help with this. In the end, my goal is to have peace in knowing that I tried everything and did so with love and guidance from God.
Can I invest myself in both acceptance of failure in my marriage, work at gal and staying hopeful and focused on SFC? Absolutely! Find what works for you to get there. I keep myself busy, very busy and I had to detach myself from the marriage. It hurt, but it was what I had to do in order to regain my composure and sense of sanity. I use many of the resources on this site to help me when I am struggling with different things. For example, I was obsessing about my marriage, the OW and what I would say to both my H and the OW. I came across the "stop sign" method on this site. It helps. Give yourself breaks too when you need them. I stopped reading the marriage stuff for a couple of weeks and just cleaned house like it was spring and played with my kids. Find new things to make you happy and pray twice each day for God to give you what is best for you!
God bless you grebjack. I hope this gives you something to bring the sunshine back into your life. I'll pray for you and your marriage.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
I suppose since the bomb was dropped, my kids and I are beginning a new routine. My H comes to the house to take D to school.
This morning the car battery was dead. Since my husband was coming anyhow for our D, I called him to give my car a jump. He was cordial saying "good morning". I made breakfast burritos for everyone. He accepted it. We went out to jump the car. My H offered to clean the ice off my windows. This was probably the nicest thing my H has done for just me since October. It's something, isn't it. I did thank him and gave him a hug good-bye. I know the hugs always confuse him.
Last night I watched the Christian based movie "Fireproof". My father-in-law recommended I watch it. It is about a couple on the brink of divorce. Kirk Cameron is in the movie. It's not the best acting, but provides some inspiration for making changes, staying positive and hopeful when your marriage is falling apart.
SOLUTION BASED GOALS I am posting my solution based goals as grebjack asked about them. I haven't really worked too much on them. I put them together in a fashion that helps me to discern what I intend to do for my husband, what he will do in return and what I intend to do for myself.
1. I will love my husband unconditionally,even though I don't believe he deserves it. I will do this by:
- Texting my husband at least once a week to tell him to have a nice day, to be safe at work or good night etc. At the very least we will communicate about the kids and I will make a consciouse effort to sound happy and polite.
- I will pray twice daily for my husband's salvation.
- I will hug my husband goodbye before leaving.
- Doing something nice at least once a week for my H. No expectations attached. If he accepts great, that will fall into my measurable goals! If not, oh well.
2. In responce, I hope that my husband will:
-Reciprocate my texts with similar salutation of have a nice day, be safe and good night. He will politely and happily discuss the kids with me.
-My husband will appreciate and accept my gestures of kindness, even if they confuse him; which is the point. My goal is to get him thinking why I would still be willing to show him love and kindness despite his behavior towards me. In the end, my unconditional and undieing love for him will win him over with the help of the Lord. (Maybe some love potion #9 too.)
-Husband will initiate a hug from me.
-Husband will initiate a casual conversation with me, not about the marriage or the kids, rather about his day or something he is doing to enjoy himself, hopefully not the OW.
SBGs for making myself happy again:
- Enjoy, laugh, talk and play with my kids everyday. - Work out at least 3x's a week - Pray daily for guidance, strength and wisdom for self. Pray also for those in need of prayer. Give thanks to the Lord for the blessings I do have. - Go to church every Sunday with children. - Grow in my relationship with the Lord. - Take 2 classes and aspire for A's! - Let the OW know, in person and only if the occasion arrives, that I intend to save my marriage. (Not sure about this, but am seriously considering it.) - Plan a girl's night out 1 time a month. - Go snowboarding again. - Take a belly dancing class. - I am also contemplating paying for and sending my children and their dad on a small vacation to the Broadmoore. (Not sure about this, but am leaning on doing it as an anniversary present since it is coming up in April.) Who knows, maybe my husband will ask me to come along?
-attend pre-marital classes with my best girl-friend who is involved in a long distant relationship and is learning alot about a commited relationship from my desperate pursuit to save my marriage.
- Rebuild healthy relationships with my family and friends.
- Make a quilt.
Wish me luck. I intend to work on my goals again. Any suggestions will be humbly accepted.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
My H called yesterday to let me know that he will be filing for a divorce on Tuesday. He said he didn't want me to be side tracked when I received the paper work.
There is really no hope. He is dead set on following through. The OW has really always been a wedge from the beginning of our marriage. I believe his heart has never really been in our marriage. As I think back, it is apparent. I suppose it really dosen't matter anyhow. It is over and I need to just accept that.
God's message to me is to keep my eyes on Him, trust in Him with all my heart.
I am broken.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Going snow boarding again on Sunday! Started attending a divorcecare class with my kids at my church this week. It is more helpful than what I expected. Perhaps it will help me to let go. Met an old friend there who is going through the same thing. Funny thing is that she prayed with me years ago about my marriage and the same issue with the OW. Hmmmph! I need to wake up and smell the coffee. I am seeing that my husband never really let go fo the OW. Well, I suppose that at some point my H and the OW will have to recokgnize that I am not going anywhere either, since my H and I do have kids together.
This week I learned I can let go and still be mature about the whole thing. I don't need to follow my H's example. He is behaving like a child. He is angry that I set a barrier and that I called him out on his EA and gave him consequences. Even if my husband is pursuing a D, I intend to still request MC again. This time with a C who has decided after two visits there is no hope.
I am tired as can be.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
We are discussing what is going to happen with the children on Sat. I am not looking forward to this.
He also wants to discuss the D. I do not want to. I would rather have him file, make arrangements with the mediator. -Should I ask for the housekeys? Or do I continue to let him have access to the house.- When it is my time to do my part in the D, I will show up. Any suggestions or pieces of wisdom out there would be welcomed.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
I just wanted to say 'hello' Nina. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't feel comfortable giving you advice on the house key question, but I will weigh in on the divorce issue.
My W has talked about wanting to file for Legal Separation and has asked me if I will work with her on doing this. My response to her:
"I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."
I've told W that I will not help her in the process and will not pay for the filing of D or LS. But also that I will cooperate.
Sorry that I don't have more advice to give you.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Those are very loving words you shared with your wife. I am not helping with the D. Today, we spoke to the kids. My son is very hurt. He asked about the OW. My husband only responded that she was his friend and that as a 35 year old man he felt that he should be able to choose who he has in his life. My son told his dad he is just running away from his problems. His dad disagreed.
I sat there feeling so angry and hurt. He told the kids he wasn't happy and that he wasn't in-love with me. This freaking process is so painful, I hate it. Every freaking weak it is going to be something that reminds me of the rejection.
I will be praying for you and your family Denver2010. God bless you.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
