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As my disclaimer I want to say that I am very upset right now and not thinking entirely clearly. So please take that into consideration if you respond.

So here are the links to my original threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...968#Post1888968

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...161#Post1925161

The long and short of it is this:

In 2006 I had an affair that lasted approximately 10 months. I hit rock bottom and recommitted to my marriage in early 2007. We had some rocky points but were getting better. Then my H went away to a new school(he's a soldier) for 6 months in GA, thousands of miles from me. While there our marriage broke down, in large part due to him starting an A with a woman he met while there. It lasted for just under 8 months and I was Dbing like crazy. Got him to quit her cold turkey and things really turned around.

We have been talking about another baby and he's been really affectionate and helpful. On Thanksgiving a friend whose H works with mine repeated that my H said he doesn't even know if our second S now almost 4 is his. I didn't know he was still thinking about it, but I was prepared to deal with it calmly.

Today I found that he had left himself signed into FB on my laptop. The OW is back. He has been talking to her since at least September and discussing a D from me. It was nauseating and painful to read the e-mails. It was stupid and careless of him to leave it on my computer.

Why is he telling her he wants to be with her and then telling me he wants a baby and to re-enlist and take me somewhere new? It hurts so much right now. I'm going home to tell him I'm upset (though not what about; if he's not stupid he'll figure it out) but that I'm not ready to talk about it now. I am also telling him I want him to stay somewhere else tonight. If he won't I'm not ready to force the issue but I have arranged to go stay with my friend.

I have been entirely faithful since recommitting. I have erased the exOM from every aspect of my life, and every other person connected to that. I don't deserve this. And it seems like it's always this time of year that the sh*t hits the fan. I've been M 6 1/2 years and had one good holiday season. I don't want to do this again! cry I'm so hurt and so shocked right now.

Back to Dbing full time. Focus on me, spend time with my kids, don't play games, don't get emotional with him. I'm so sad, but by the end of the night I will have probably moved on to pissed.

Help me please.



M 6 1/2 years, S 5 1/2, s 3 1/2, S 2 1/2. In pain.


undefeated 24
H 24
S's 4, 2, 1
M 5 yrs

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
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Well, if your H has two women who want to be with him then he has no incentive to choose. It's not surprising he would feed you both the BS you both want to hear.

Since you just learned of all of this I would let it sink in for at least a day or two. If you say or do anything now it will be purely fueled by emotion.

I am very sorry about all of this.

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Quote:
And it seems like it's always this time of year that the sh*t hits the fan. I've been M 6 1/2 years and had one good holiday season. I don't want to do this again! I'm so hurt and so shocked right now.


Please explain. You each have had one A, yes? What do you mean by that statement?

Quote:
Back to Dbing full time. Focus on me, spend time with my kids, don't play games, don't get emotional with him. I'm so sad, but by the end of the night I will have probably moved on to pissed.


But that is exactly what you have planned for tonight.

Quote:
I'm going home to tell him I'm upset (though not what about; if he's not stupid he'll figure it out) but that I'm not ready to talk about it now. I am also telling him I want him to stay somewhere else tonight. If he won't I'm not ready to force the issue but I have arranged to go stay with my friend.


IMO, these actions are not DBing. He will think you are playing games! Men are not stupid,but they certainly think differently than we do! Never.....ever, think a man will figure it out! Dbing says to ask for what you want.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Quote:

Men are not stupid,but they certainly think differently than we do! Never.....ever, think a man will figure it out! Dbing says to ask for what you want.


Well can be.

And do think differently and we don't figure it out unless we are really in tune with you...and even then, not so much.

Sandi is correct, except a little about the not stupid part. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Edit -
Well can be.

should be:

We can be.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Whatever you do...tonight, Do NOTHING! Let your emotions settle. Give yourself time to process and think things through. I hope you sent yourself copies of those messages or took screen shots. Otherwise, he can try to play the "I didn't didn't do it" game. Do not give away how you got the information. He might be dumb enough to do it again.


previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...903#Post1983903
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Are you sure it was an accident to let you find out he is talking divorce? I find it hard to believe he would use your computer and not sign out.


Edited for your protection.
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Ok, a lot to answer. First of all, yes we have each had one affair. We were swingers way back at the beginning of our marriage but that is something different.

You're right, CityGirl, however I was clueless that he was keeping someone on the side again.

I did not plan any games for tonight. I planned to be firm and put myself in control of the situation from the start. If this sounds like playing games you are mistaken.

I do not assume my H will figure things out. I was simply wondering if he would have the balls to come clean on his own. No such luck.

bluestar, you were probably right about doing nothing, but that isn't the way it worked out. I of course have copies of the messages and a trusted friend will as well. I have no intention of getting nasty, but let's say I'm not taking anything for granted.

ShockedOne, that is an excellent point and one I considered as well. It was careless to the point of flaunting his A. Not his style.

I ended up coming home and telling him what I intended - that I was very upset and not ready to talk to him. I asked him to stay somewhere else. He refused to do so unless he knew what I was accusing him of. I gave him a chance to come clean but in the end had to tell him I knew exactly what had been going on. He would not leave but agreed to sleep on the couch. You're welcome to dispute the choice but I found it an acceptable compromise.

He claims that it's been over, that he was just trying to let her down easy. BS. He went to see her on his vacation in September. He says it was wrong (no kidding) and that he regrets it. BS. He regrets getting caught. Needless to say I'm not feeling particularly trusting. I don't trust him and I don't believe anything he says right now. I demanded to have full access to his e-mail and FB accounts. I already have all the phone records. I also demanded that if he intended to stay in the house at all tonight that he call her right then and there and tell her NC, no maybes for the future, no more her ever again. He claimed not to have her number. BS. For tonight I allowed him to send an e-mail instead with the same message. How do I know he didn't call her immediately and tell her to disregard the message? I don't. And therefore until I know otherwise he did exactly that.

My Dbing may not be up to scratch. I am going to brush up on that ASAP wink. But I often found myself at odds with this forum during my previous dark period because I tend to view the DBing steps as guidelines to work from, not rules set in stone that must be obeyed. I always seem to be roasted when I don't do things by the book (no pun intended). Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm not, but I do what works for me.

I welcome your feedback, both positive and negative. But this time around I refuse to get bent out of shape because someone thinks I'm doing it wrong. Personal philosophy: There is no one right way to do anything.

The one thing I agree with one hundred percent of the time is that each of us must do what works.

I'm calm now, not happy, but calm. Today I was hurt. Tomorrow I may still hurt. But I'm moving forward regardless of that.

Time to update my signature. Until next time:

Me 25, H 25, S5, S3, S2; original bomb 11/2009, relapse discovered 11/29/2010


undefeated 24
H 24
S's 4, 2, 1
M 5 yrs

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie

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