I know what you mean about the schedule changes. I got to a point where I NEVER (and still actually don't) tell D that H is planning on doing something with her/us. If he shows up, great. Otherwise, only I'm left feeling aggravated. And after awhile, even that resides and I end up feeling more surprised than anything else when he DOES keep his commitments.
You sound good thought. You're working on you and that's what's most important. Keep up the good work.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am definately telling D less about when H plans to come by. Overnights have to be the exception, because I don't want her surprised by those. I will probably start adding that I will come get her if daddy has to work though.
Yesterday not such a good day for me.
Someone from work told me they met my “ex” husband at his new restaurant. I asked who had brought me up. H had. Asked them not to say anything one way or another, but that it was news to me about the divorce having gone through.
H called later wanting to come by to visit D and go over our joint account that needs closed. Even wanted to go to story time with us. Asked some budget questions relating to D3's healthcare. Maybe he is is fixin' to file and/or get his own place.
Looked at phone records to check my usage. Made the mistake of peeking at H's. 18 texts between he & OW a day when he has 'no time' for his own kid. I know I shouldn't have looked, but in this case it was a good thing. Gave me strength later when I needed it.
H mentioned that he wanted to take D camping next week. I wouldn't mind him taking her camping, but not with OW. D loves camping and has been asking to go. She has been VERY specific with me though that she wants her mommy AND her daddy to take her. Since bomb drop I took D once, then H took her once. While they were gone I realized H had taken supplies for 2 adults and a child. Recently D spilled about OW having gone on that trip.
There is usually a long delay between OW meetings and D seeming to need to tell me. I suspect it is because H and/or OW tell her to keep secrets from me. In my opinion, that puts adult responsibility on the shoulders of an already confused little girl. It is the LOWEST thing my H has done during this crisis to date. To me, this is bigger than the affair or the abandonment.
I was not expecting this so soon. I have been praying for protection for D3 a lot lately, and believe I got my answer last night. Yes, God will protect her. He has worked to make me strong enough to do this now. There will be no outside intervention, just me.
When H mentioned he was thinking of taking D camping next week, I asked him if it would be just the two of them this time. H startled a bit and said 'probably'. I answered that if it was just him & D that I am fine with it. He then went to check the weather and said maybe it would be too cold, so maybe not. He mentioned it again later that evening as a maybe. I responded that it is awful cold for a little kid right now.
The rest of the evening went OK. I was shaking and sick feeling, but that stopped after the camping conversation. H told me he plans to pay down the credit card debt. That would be nice, since it is mostly his bachelor lifestyle and OW debt. The only stuff from me has been car repairs and some bills. H said he would take care of moving the phone bill from the old account. Might mean he will be taking that one over. It would help if he did. I won't hold my breath on any of this though.
H tagged along to story time, and that was odd. Maybe just wanting to spend time with D, but maybe also checking up on the both of us. I have a small group of friends now who meet there. I think he was checking things out.
H is probably going to push this camping trip again. I do not think he wants to tell me about OW. I believe he still wants me to see him as a 'good' person and maintain that he 'tried' to save his marriage.
I am still praying for my daughter's protection, but also for strength. I still pray for H as well. Especially that his eyes open to the pain he is causing so many.
I am scared. Not of the divorce, but of being weak and failing my D.
I am also very afraid of letting lose on H. There is a very real danger of going overboard and tearing that man a new @-hole. I am probably the ONLY person in his life who knows just how dark his shadows are.
What I 'hear' when I pray is hard to put in words, but I will try.
In my quiet listening time I have come to see the next steps in my journey. I have come face to face with my own cowardace. I have seen that I am STILL trying to influence my H. I am just as guilty as he is of running from confrontation.
My quiet voice tells me that it is not my responsibility to change my H's mind or convince him what he should do. But it is on ME to speak out. I see my D's confusion and anxiety, but my H does not.
My silence has supported my H's fantasy. I cannot allow myself to live a life surrounded by lies. It is not necessary to expose them, but I do not have to accept them. I also must work harder on ME ALONE.
The other day when I felt moved to tell my H that I did not think camping "again" with anyone else was a good idea; it marked a turning point for me. I let him know that I knew he had taken someone else on that last trip and that I did not approve. Up to that point I had been shaking in fear. After I spoke, the shaking stopped and the fear left.
I want to live an HONEST and FREE life. No secrets and no fears. I believe this is the heart of finding the safety I so desperately want in my life for myself and for my daughter.
That quiet voice tells me I will be tested soon. Me. Not my H. This test is comming regardless of whether H decides to push the camping trip or not. If he does, it is not my job to stop him. It is my job to stop the secrets. This is only between me and H. Not family, not friends, not even D.
I cannot allow him to believe he can hide any longer, because these secrets have put adult responsability on my daughter. While these secrets belong to my H, I have contributed to my daughter's pain by allowing them to continue.
