Merry Christmas! Thanks for all the good holiday wishes.
Early this morning, D3 comes in to snuggle since I won't let her go in the living room 'before santa'. Curled up, with her head on my arm, D3 says, "I love you forever mommy. You are my verry good mommy.' Then she falls back asleep. Right then, I knew that I am truly blessed.
Hi all, just popping back by to update and catch up. I have been visiting a new board, but I miss my DB peeps. Though I may not like some of the parental moderating that goes on here, the people who post here have been my lifeline through the worst of my crisis.
So, to update: Christmas was strangely one of the best that I have had in a long time. New traditions and focusing on my sweet little girl kept me mostly sane. There was some sadness too, but overall it was good. I made my holiday plans and told H he could come or not, my only goal was not to stress over anything. H came over a lot more than I expected for Christmas. We both went to SIL2’s house Christmas Eve & then H came to open gifts with us on Christmas Day. He seemed to genuinely have fun, but disappeared for the second half of the day and all through the next day too. Suspect he was spending that time with OW.
For New Years I took D3 to her cousin’s giant party. He stayed away, mostly work, but a party somewhere too. He did wish me a happy new year during D’s goodnight call.
My 11 year anniversary came and went this past Sunday. H even came over, but neither of us said anything about it. He was only over for a little while, mostly to visit D3. He brought over lunch and we played in the snow with D.
H’s new restaurant is finally opening this week. There seems to be some animosity between H & one of the owners. Not BIL, but even there H seems not to be talking much. Also am pretty certain that whatever H thought was going to be his role in the restaurant he didn’t get as much as he thought he would get.
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to. On the phone H chats more. He often sounds quite sad. He is less physical around me, but seems relaxed. It’s the sadness that comes through to me right now, though H tries hiding it.
So far I have not seen divorce papers. H hasn’t mentioned the “D” word either. Money and time are likely the reason for that, but I think a general lack of motivation is contributing too. I also suspect H may be using being ‘technically’ married to keep OW at bay. He is a distancer to the core.
Currently having a very peaceful spell, despite D3 deciding last night to spill about OW being at the camping trip back in October. It was old news. Sure messed with my sleep though.
I am detaching more every day, though I have cycled hard quite a few times over the holidays. I am also learning to ‘listen’ to my intuition. I’m starting to build a life for myself and D where we will be happy and safe. I am staying out of H’s way and using this time to build strength and see my H as he is rather than as I wish.
I pray for him a lot these days too. H is out of my hands and there is so much work still to do on myself.
I am detaching more every day, though I have cycled hard quite a few times over the holidays. I am also learning to ‘listen’ to my intuition. I’m starting to build a life for myself and D where we will be happy and safe. I am staying out of H’s way and using this time to build strength and see my H as he is rather than as I wish.
Stay the course with that ^^^ up there.
Quote:
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to.
It could be a control issue for him. He may want to keep you off balance. Are YOU comfortable with HIS last minute visits?
Oh, one other thing....less worry about HIM and more focus on YOU.
You sound really good Hope.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to.
It could be a control issue for him. He may want to keep you off balance. Are YOU comfortable with HIS last minute visits?
I DO think that there is an element of controling here, but also his restaurant job is very hectic right now. I'm seeing him try to control me in areas too, but just little stuff.
The last minute notice has become increasingly annoying. I still allow the short notice visits for D3's sake, but I have stopped rearanging my schedule or leaving 'openings' for him to drop by. This last weekend H visited twice but I kept a play date with D's little cousins for the same time anyway. I also and stayed at church to visit for a bit on Sunday instead of rushing home.
I am feeling good, but I know I have a long way to go still.
Had a big realization that OW actively pursued my H early on, starting months before bomb drop. A comment that D3 made sort of ‘clicked’ everything into place for me. Did a lot of looking at her & H and readjusted my view of them. Didn’t change much, but did help me understand better. It also let me see how damaged their R is.
OW is a HEAVY pursuer, and H is a HEAVY distancer. It’s only a matter of time before that falls apart. The best thing I can do is pull back so they can figure that out on their own. Also don’t want to encourage H to take D any more than he asks to. That will help keep D from OW.
I realized some things about H during this. He loves to be the hero and to take care of people, but doesn’t have healthy boundaries about it. He HATES confrontation, especially with a woman. He has a hard time taking a stand or making decisions, and is very passive aggressive. H is NOT a strong or determined person, though he wants to be seen that way.
In reality, he kind of drifts along, waiting for something to happen that will make his mind up for him. More often than not, especially in our M, H just follows along. I fought this in our M, but honestly it shouldn’t have been my job to make him tell me what he wanted all the time.
One thing that I have realized is that I do have boundaries, and that H knows exactly what they are. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so secretive. I would even go so far as to say that my boundaries may be one of the things that drove H to move out so quickly.
I realized some things about H during this. He loves to be the hero and to take care of people, but doesn’t have healthy boundaries about it. He HATES confrontation, especially with a woman. He has a hard time taking a stand or making decisions, and is very passive aggressive. H is NOT a strong or determined person, though he wants to be seen that way.
In reality, he kind of drifts along, waiting for something to happen that will make his mind up for him. More often than not, especially in our M, H just follows along. I fought this in our M, but honestly it shouldn’t have been my job to make him tell me what he wanted all the time.
One thing that I have realized is that I do have boundaries, and that H knows exactly what they are. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so secretive. I would even go so far as to say that my boundaries may be one of the things that drove H to move out so quickly.
Oh my! I think we are married to the same man!!!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I have been busy, but good the last few days. D & I have both been sick with colds, but are recovering. I am feeling more independent and I have been reaching out and doing more things now. I went to a birthday party for a new friend from church that has a daughter close in age to my girl. I am teaching my toddler art class again. I invited my in-laws over for a movie night. I am starting to stick around after church to visit more now too.
I think that H becoming unavailable due to his work schedule helped me. I had gotten stuck trying to keep my daughter ‘available’ for his last minute visits. Now that I don’t expect to see him I have gone ahead and made plans without trying to predict what he is doing. I am also less likely to change those plans for him.
H is still a whirlwind of changing schedules and uncertainty. That frustrates me, especially in how it affects D3. It is getting harder to tell when it is ‘safe’ to tell her that she will see her daddy too. Sunday night H asked if we wanted to come have dinner at the new restaurant Tuesday & let me know his mom had invited me & D to dinner on Wednesday. It worked with our schedule so I said yes. Last night H called to let me know he had just been given Tuesday & Wednesday off.
Ugh.
More chaos and confusion.
We went back and forth, me trying to get him to tell me what he wanted to do, him just sounding uncertain and noncommittal. Finally settled on moving dinner to Thursday, which works for me and keeping dinner at his parent’s the same just with him there too. He ‘offered’ to take her without me to dinner at his parents on Wednesday, but I’m sick of him running interference between me and his family. I told him I would just plan on going like before because I liked seeing everyone and had already been planning on it. The discomfort with that is in him, not in me and not in his family. If this is how he wants things he will have to learn to deal with the consequences on his own.
I got upset at H for a while. Angry that he is always changing plans at the last minute. Upset that he didn’t ask to take D3 at all during his days off, except to try to un-invite me from his parent’s dinner. Probably would have been upset at him even if he did want to take her for an overnight too.
Think I have hit a new point emotionally. It wasn't long ago that if H popped his head out of the tunnel, my whole world brightened up with hope and purpose. Now? He just wears me out. Before he could do no wrong, but now he can't do anything right. Every choice he makes just makes me more and more disillusioned.
I am cycling still, but have overall managed to hold on to a feeling of being protected from the chaos around me. I have been praying a lot and trying to find a little time each day to just be quiet and listen too. I am trying hard to listen to my intuition, especially when I get upset or start to feel like I need to ‘do’ something.
‘Listening’ about my frustrations with H helped. I realized I was again trying to fix and mind read for him. I need to stop that. I am not responsible for how he feels. I am also not responsible for the actions he takes… or fails to take.
For now my intuition tells me that I need to keep myself from asking if he wants to take D today or tomorrow. I have realized that I have been pushing for him to spend time with D because it is inconceivable to me that he wouldn’t want that. Who knows what he plans to use his time off for? If he has a date with OW, then no, I don’t want D to tag along. Heck, maybe he plans to go file for his divorce. Maybe he just needs to rest. How should I know?
Maybe he is trying to respect the plans I have and can’t work up the nerve to ask for more time. Maybe he really just doesn’t want to spend time with D. I asked if he wanted to get together any when he called. If I keep asking, that is just pushing. I have to let go.
I probably will ask him later today if he would pick D up from day care tomorrow, but only because it would save me some driving back and forth and doesn’t have to interfere with any of his ‘plans’. If he asks to take D or see us extra during the next couple days, fine. But no asking if that is what he wants.
I hear uncertainty and maybe some sadness or even fear when we speak lately. These are only feelings that I get, though the surprise and uncertainty I heard in his voice when he called during my friend's birthday party came through pretty strongly. He is still gone, with no return trip planned as far as I can tell. My instincts tell me he is under a lot of stress, so pushing for ANYTHING is a bad idea.
Mostly what I want is just to find a bit of peace in my life. I'm also tired of being on call, so I am working to stop doing that too.
