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Home with DS today, poor Boo has a fever and said his stomach doesn't feel good. Hoping it's just a 24 hour bug and he's back to normal tomorrow. Bummed a bit that I am missing treatment today, was going to be my first Thursday there.


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Got the court papers today, we go January 4th. Feeling quite sick to my stomach and terrified of how H will respond when he gets to where he lives and sees the forms. I am just praying that H will forgive me for this filing and ths isn't destroying any chance of reconciling in the future.


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I didn't realize it was possible to feel sicker than I did when I got my mail and saw the court envelope.

Called the lawyer, have to call him back Sunday to set up a date to go over my wish list and pay him the retainer. While on the phone with the lawyer H called, didn't click over. So he called my cell, DS answered. When I got off the phone DS brought the cell phone to me and I took it, figured it was time to face the music. But H wasn't calling about court papers. He had made some calls today about getting himself a nebulizer for DS and wanted to fill me in on what he learned and that the insurance company will most likely be calling me. During the conversation he also said if I could get receipts or anything to prove how much he owes me because he knows we disagree on that, he wants to get that matter settled.

I feel so sick. Why did he have to call and say he's ready to work out a payment agreement today of all days? He's going to be livid when he gets the court paperwork.

I wish I'd listened to my instincts and not filed the court papers at all.


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DBMod I did not overstretch the definition of abuse. What training to you have in the area of recovery from emotional abuse to make a statement like that?

Emotional abuse happens when one individual is harming another despite the fact the one being harmed has clearly let the abuser know their actions are harmful. And no, I am NOT talking about the harmful action of cheating or leaving. I am talking direct person to person contact. Emotionally manipulating, blackmailing and attempting to control anothers thoughts and actions is VERY abusive.

I NEVER suggested Mystik divorce her H because she did not want to save her marriage. I suggested Mysik divorce her H because he is not following the family court orders, he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing financially for HIS CHILD and his mistress is becoming very invested in Mystik's sons life.

As per the information she posted the ONLY way to stop or change those things is via legal channels. Mystik has ASKED her H to pay the money (he didn't then tried to blackmail her), she has ASKED her H to not have OW drive her son around (again, request denied) and she has ASKED her H not to change the schedule/times of child exchanges (he still does what he wants and has Mystik driving all over town at the last minute).

When you (generally speaking) are AFRAID and FEARFUL to the point of panic/anxiety/depression to create boundaries then you are being abused.

Flaunting his mistress in his W's face (and he has many, many times) is abusive. Demanding she comply with everything he says is abusive. Not paying the money he owes is abusive.

It is not even close to a normal reaction to have your teeth chattering when you have to pull up to the house where your H lives. It's a sign of deep anxiety that is now physical.

Not being able to sleep without obsessive thoughts, not doing anything social, not keeping a clean and neat home, not taking care of weight/health issues and being unable to focus on things aside from a WAS is a very, very serious problem. And yes, we all feel that way (to a degree) at first but this has been going on for almost 2 years. At that point one needs help.

Surviving on high doses of anxiety medication is a short term fix but that has not been the case here - Mystik has been on these meds since last summer.

I don't know your situation nor do I care to know (and if you think the few threads I have here even *begin* to cover when I endured, think again). Verbally abusing, emotionally manipulating, blackmailing, flaunting and withholding funds from the family ARE abusive.

The mere fact that Mystik's H thought he was above the law and failed to follow family court orders is an obvious sign he feels the rules of basic conduct don't apply to him.

And really - it's also pretty classic when an emotionally abused person has such a deep seeded need to please the abuser and win their approval. And sadly it seems Mystik has that need.

You are correct, not everybody here has been emotionally abused but when there *are* cases of abuse (and this is one of them) it is ESSENTIAL it's recognized and the people offering support are not crucified for suggesting they REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM FURTHER EMOTIONALLY HARM. One cannot get well when they keep getting harmed.

If Mystik wants to try and rebuild a marriage with this man that is great. But right now she needs to protect her health and money. She has ASKED her H to handle the money different and his response was blackmail. Now the next step is family court which will take care of many of the child issues.

It's very dangerous to downplay things are say I am stretching them when something very awful is taking place. Being bullied when you are in hell is not something I would wish on anybody.

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Cancelled DS's appointment with his counselor this evening, which worked out because she hasn't even called his teacher yet. DS just isn't feeling well enough. He's playing now but only because I gave him Motrin to bring down the fever, which he's still slightly warm.


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And DB Mod - just to be fair since I asked you.

I have been in therapy for the past three years on a weekly (sometimes more) basis. I participate in a "master" divorce support group hosted by my therapist twice a month and now am training to be a peer counselor in the divorce support group. The group I am training with specializes in emotional abuse and anxiety.

An expert I am not - but I *do* have experience in this matter on both the receiving end and now the healing end.

It's not a term to take lightly or toss around willy nilly but when it is present it's important to talk about it. Not to harm or embarrass somebody (god no!) but to help the person in crises remove as much harm as possible for their own emotional safety.

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I do appreciate CityGirl's input, she has made me see the situation from a different perspective. I know that the way H treats me isn't right, even if it's what is familiar.


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Originally Posted By: Mystik
I feel so sick. Why did he have to call and say he's ready to work out a payment agreement today of all days? He's going to be livid when he gets the court paperwork.

I wish I'd listened to my instincts and not filed the court papers at all.


Mystik, I want you to know something. The ONLY chance you have of fixing this M is to find your power and claim it. Your H doesn't respect you right now and is treating you that way. You have be able to be an equal in any R. Your instincts are off right now. You did the right thing.

Also, I find it very curious that the paperwork shows up today and, BAM, he is calling you to "resolve" this. Don't talk to him about it. He is trying to manipulate you into something that will only benefit him. That is evidenced by he statement about "disagreeing" on the amount. I have no doubt he got the papers and he has begun to try to what he alawys does...manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Don't let him. You are stronger now. Talk to your L. Let him handle this. You already tried talking to H and it didn't work. You did what you had to do. Be Strong! Talk to your therapy team tomorrow. Don't talk to your H again about the money until you retain the L and talk to your therapist.


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Quote:
Also, I find it very curious that the paperwork shows up today and, BAM, he is calling you to "resolve" this. Don't talk to him about it. He is trying to manipulate you into something that will only benefit him. That is evidenced by he statement about "disagreeing" on the amount. I have no doubt he got the papers and he has begun to try to what he alawys does...manipulate you into doing what he wants.

YES YES YES YES a THOUSAND times yes. Now is the WORST possible time to consider reconsidering. The past makes him think he can throw you a bone and go right back to business as usual. But you are the new and improving Mystik who is not going to let that happen! And when he realizes that you are not going to let that happen, he is going to be caught off guard. And yeah, probably a little ticked ... but also a little intrigued. Whether he wants to admit it or not.

You are doing so well right now. I applaud all your efforts, all the things you are doing FOR YOU. Hang tough!!!

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Thanks for the support. He hasn't texted or called with an irate message like I was expecting. Wonder if he's going to try to e-mail me at work tomorrow? If he does he'll get a message saying I'm out of the office.

Definitely looking forward to therapy tomorrow.


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