A bit of back-history - H dropped ILYBNILWY bomb in 3/10. Discovered EA/possible PA with first ex-wife 7/10. H moves out late 8/10 then asks to move back in mid 9/10. Says he wants to try one more time to see if he can love me. Find out he contacts ex wife within one week of moving back. I confront him after finding nasty photos she sends of self in 10/10. Tell him to leave and then back down. He shares in mid 10/10 he will tell her he can no longer talk to her because it's not "fair" to anyone. Find out he texts her 3 days later - I tell him to get out he says no - I tell him I will file and get a writ of possession. He backs down, apologizes. Still not willing to work on R. I let him stay. Many ups and downs - he promises not to contact her again. Found out yesterday from mutual friend of MIL that MIL has been saying horrible things behind my back, after telling me she hates ex-wife and will never accept her. I thought I could trust her. H comes home, acting weird. I assume he has talked to her. Called his bluff - he said no. I tell him to prove it to me by showing me his call history. He then tries to blame me for spying. Told him I did not (which is true). He goes to call history and there it is - a call to her. I tell him it's me or her. Choose now. He says it's not about her- the choice is "you or not you". So I then ask him to make his choice, regardless. He asks what I will do about his choice. I tell him I will proceed with a D. He says he has tried so hard but just doesn't love me. That he doesn't have hope for us. I tell him to get his things and go. He says he doesn't want to leave during the holidays - doesn't want to be the kind of dad that leaves during the holiday. I tell him if he wants to stay, he must cease all contact with ex wife until he leaves after holidays. He says he will not let me control his life and says he can't do that. I get up and tell him I no longer care what he does. Do what you want, when you want. I don't care. I go upstairs - he stands in hallway, not moving. I brush past him - he follows me and says he is so sorry for hurting me. I say nothing other then 'please leave me alone". He gathers his things and says he is going to his mom's house. And then he leaves.
I stuck to my guns. He now knows I will proceed with D. But I am so scared. I wonder if I did the right thing. As per the Divorce Remedy, I shouldn't have said anything about my suspicions regarding the call - this will push him closer to his ex-wife. Please help!
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Barbsing1, i know this is a very tough time for you, I am not one to give advise as I have yet to do anything right in my situation. Just stay strong in your decision. Let him know he cant have his cake and eat it to.
Focus on yourself first and then your children next. I will tell you from experience, your kids will pick up on your vibes and they will try to do things to keep you occupied and busy. They are great that way.
My thoughts are with you in this time. The pros will give you some advice and i strongly recommend you listen to them.
I'm not in a good place of my own, either, so take with a grain of salt - but I think you did the right thing in setting boundaries and enforcing them. Don't let him walk all over you because you will feel worse and it may impact your children.
Right now you need to step back from all of this craziness and calm down.
Your first step is to gain your footing and get to a place of peace, which in and of itself will be very difficult right now. You also need to be strong for YOU and YOUR kids.
I will post a little more later BUT for now, keep quite and do not respond or reach out to your H. DO NOTHING.
Can you also do me a favor and let me know what complaints YOUR H had about you and the R?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
H has basically rewritten our history - the past couple of years have been tough but until ex wife showed up, he never said he had been unhappy for 8 years.
I know the problems I contributed to the R - I had trust issues from the start. I kept these to myself but when I found out about an EA he had at work within the first year of our marriage, I lost it. I chose to stay in the R but punished him for years. That was wrong of me. I also brought my fair share of Family of Origin issues to the table. Long story. I have done my best to make amends and have made many positive changes for myself and our R in the past year. There were two other instances of EA's and these indeed were discovered by me "snooping" - these took place the third year of marriage and the 8th year, respectively. We did MC for awhile and the therapist explained to H that he needs to be transparent with me - if he wants to have friendships with women, it's fine but I should be informed. So right now, H believes I will never trust him again and that I will try to control who he speaks to and interacts with.
H and I have had many painful things happen to us, out of both of our control - miscarriages, illness, I had postpartum depression (resolved) and hormonal imbalances (no - really - it's true - now resolved via hormone therapy) which made me volatile at times.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
The WAS re-writing history is very common, helps them just justify in their mind the actions they are taking. It is very hard and frustrating to hear but we have all heard it before.
Your H has trust issues with you...so does getting into yelling matches help with that? And TBH, not so sure he isn't projecting the trust issues...if I read right, he has had three EAs and he doesn't trust you?
What else have you done to contribute to the problems that you can work on?
For now, stop pursuing, no R talks...those will just push him further away. Stay upbeat, positive, attractive, fun, happy.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
What helped me when I went through this is to have a list of goals that I kept with me to refer to during these times -- really simple stuff -- like no R talk, don't call H, simple tasks on paper, but difficult in reality. And another filter that I tried to run things through was if the action I wanted to take would get me closer to my goal. And also, believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Barb, And another filter that I tried to run things through was if the action I wanted to take would get me closer to my goal.
I'm trying to get out a lot of my stress/anger/sadness by writing letters to H. When I have the letter just right, I take some time and ask myself why I want to say these things to him. Is it just to make me feel better? To make him feel bad? If so, I either file the letter or shred it (my shredder is getting quite a workout), but I don't give it to him. I'm trying to use the same filter when I speak to him - if whatever I want to say is only because I want to feel better or make him feel bad, then I make a mental note to write it down later but I try to keep my mouth shut. This is HARD, and I've found myself arguing internall that "he NEEDS to hear this", but he doesn't, because it's like the words just kind of slide off him. Actions are what matter. For me, the action is being civil and polite even though I want to scalp him. For you, the action is that you set a boundary that his behavior was unacceptable, and you are sticking to it.
Reacting without really thinking and trying to force choices and set boundaries...
Difficult things here...
Difficult because you may say things you don't really mean and will later regret...
You may not be ready to live with the consequences of a choice, if it is different from the one you want him to make...
Boundaries have to be reinforced or you are just the "little boy who cried wolf" and you may not be ready to do that...
Hence the leave/change mind scenario...
The 48 hour rule, is the best one you can apply at the very beginning of this. It gives you time to cool off and really think about what approach to things you want to take...
It has saved many of us much regret around here...
This is something that has to be tackled in small bites...
Have you read the books?
Do you have any goals yet?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm scared because I did something I've not been able to do in the past - I didn't do this hastily. What is comfortable to me is giving in to him, retracting everything and cowering in a corner. I promised myself if he contacted her again, that would be it - that an ultimatum would have to be issued. I can't continue to live with a man who constantly tells me he doesn't love me - that there is no hope. I believe he has been staying because he has no money (I am the proverbial gravy train) and my MIL confirmed this to our mutual friend. He has told me he loves her, not me. We had a trip planned after Thanksgiving and he was thinking about if he wanted to go - he was concerned going would give me false hope or that I would have expectations of me. He came home last night and said he had reconsidered but that he only wanted to go because he wanted to see the concert we purchased tickets for, not to spend time with me. He called ex-wife because she is having legal problems with her ex. He shows more concern about her welfare than mine.
I have read DR - it's a great book. I've been trying so hard to follow it - to GAL, to act "as if" - to really think about if my next move will bring me closer or further away from my goal (getting him to consider to work on the R). But he lies to me, bold-faced, on a regular basis. Many of the things he has lied about I haven't confronted him on because I have been trying to be a good DB'r. But when is enough enough? I really think he needs to feel the consequences for his decisions. Thus far, there haven't been any. He comes home to a clean house, breakfast on the table every morning, dinner on the table every night. Clothes cleaned and folded. I am happy to see him when he returns. I put my happy face on. I have 180'd myself almost to death (what I did last night was a 180). I know slow is fast. I had advice from Coach, Robx, etc prior who told me to set boundaries and then act accordingly when they were not respected. H has not been respecting the no contact boundary. There really was no yelling and screaming. I dropped a couple f-bombs, which I probably shouldn't have but ultimately I told him to go, be happy, go be with the love of his life and leave me alone.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
