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I was flipping channels and stopped on one about infidelity...and it brought me back to these forums where I have not been for so long. In my time of crisis, when I was in the thick of it, these boards were my life line to people who were going through the same thing...people who understood. It's a little sad to see that the boards are just as full, but happy to see that everyone has found each other to lean on.

One thing that I always wanted to know was what happened after dbing?? There were very little threads about dber's post-crisis situations. And here I am ....6 years later with my update:P


brief back story: H (now 38yrs old ) and I (36) were together 6 years ( 2 of them married ) when he had EA/PA and multiple one night stands. I was 5 months pregnant with our first...living abroad. When son was 2 mos old I packed up my stuff and my son and moved back to home country. H stayed with OW until 4 months later when he moved back to home country. H never changed his ways even though he wanted to reconcile but i didn't want to. He was still looking out for #1 and lying non stop. I filed for divorce...been divorced 5 years. Wow, minus the drama I managed to sum that up in one paragraph.

life now is much happier. I went back to school to study architecture which I love...and landed a sweet job immediately. My son is happy and in kindergarten. My crisis forced me to move back with my parents but I'm almost ready to move out and finally be on my own. I really had to start over from scratch because i had nothing back in my home country.

Ex is still a mess...has had multiple girlfriends( all of which he continues the same tactic of belittling)...for a moment brought OW here without me knowing before CHEATING on her ( haha). Got involved with drugs, ruined his life once again....moved up north (6hrs away). Sad thing is that he has been a pretty much dead beat dad...barely supporting his son, and since he moved up north 2 years ago has not come to see his son once and maybe called a handful of times but not even on sons bday. Trying to raise my son with as much love as I can give him. And like I told my ex "your relationship with your son is yours to create or destroy...my job is to tell him it's not his fault if you decide to destroy it". Their relationship is still the only thing that worries me in this outcome....I don't want my son messed up because I picked the wrong man to be his father.

What I learned about myself through DBing....my intitial reason for doing it in the first place was for hope. Hope that the marriage would survive. What I realized later was that I wasn't in a good marriage and that I wanted to fight for it because I feared the stigma of divorce and I feared being alone. people do desperate things when they're driven by fear. I don't want to discourage anyone at all but my situation really wasn't worth saving. I was married to this man who barely even calls his kid now.

I regained who I was before meeting my ex...my boisterous personality was almost completely cutdown and erased by him...which I allowed to happen. i was a shell of a woman who was trying to play house in a marriage. What I know now is that I can trust again ( had a few mini realtionships since )and I know when the relationship is not working. I'm still willing to compromise but not if it comprimises who I am.

whatever your outcome, still married or divorced, you will get through it. It feels like the end of the world at times but it isn't.Whichever path you end up on you will learn so much about yourself and to trust your gut instincts for where you want your life to go. Take charge of the runaway rolercoaster and start making some decisions for yourself.

DBing did not save my marriage....it saved me.

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Wow. Great post!

I have always wondered, ever since I registered actually, why there are so few post-crisis posts as well.

I can only conclude that:

1. there are too few "success stories," whether the M was saved or not

Or

2. there are too many indifferent posters who were unaffected, either way, by this forum

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Originally Posted By: glj
DBing did not save my marriage....it saved me.


That sums it up right there ^^^^^

Great story thanks for sharing.

I like most about it that you went through the process of detaching from the dysfunction so you could see HIS and YOUR contribution to it.

From there you were able to see what was good for YOU, your child and then ultimately your M.

And live YOUR life.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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glj.

Thanks for coming around and sharing this for the newbies here.

Life is what we make of it. I am glad for you.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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For many it's too painful to see other people where they were and it brings all that up again for them.

Originally Posted By: Kimmie Lee
Wow. Great post!

I have always wondered, ever since I registered actually, why there are so few post-crisis posts as well.

I can only conclude that:

1. there are too few "success stories," whether the M was saved or not

Or

2. there are too many indifferent posters who were unaffected, either way, by this forum


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
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I think my last post was Jan 2003. My bomb was setp 11th, 2001. DBing saved my life....the marriage of 15 yrs in hind sight was miserable. I'm so much happier and stronger now.

The pain at the time was terrific. It gets better everyday...every year. Still single but have met a fantasic women in the last 18 months while on RAGBRAI.

Fight the fight and make yourselves strong...in the marathon of life you all have alot of living to do.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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