How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[Piano]

Hello, been mostly lurking.. not sure where to post since the forum was shut down, and then prematurely reposted in Infidelity which is now a very dead forum .

Husband is now overseas with OW.

He has started work there, and presumably lives with OW (I have no phone number or address. Admittedly haven't asked. Why would I?).

He's sent one or two emails in the last fews months regarding his job searches, and asking me for news of our daughter, 5months old.

I would go completely dark on him, but for the baby.

I need to be able to talk to him about financials, and perhaps give him updates on baby.

What kind of tone should my emails take?

[Piano]

Forgot to mention, WH says he would like to come to see the baby in May next year, around her first birthday.

I am getting a life, am practicing gratitude all the time, and I am much more in control of my feelings - watch them come and go rather than be consumed by them.

Having said that I am a slow mover when it comes to making plans for my future, still lack self-esteem (but I am learning to love and be proud of myself) and make decisions.

I am reading a lot of self help books - currently Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway, and Co-Dependent No More just arrived today, and I am starting to "get it". I am getting that I create my own happiness, despite or in spite of what WH has "done".

I can also totally now see why he left me....

I was living my life in fear and paralysed, unable to make decisions, move forward and own my life.

When we decided to move back to my country, it was because we were unable to make it work and feel confident about our life in Europe. He felt he was carrying all the weight. He didn't want to do that anymore, esp with a baby on the way.

I know I let "us" down.

Then he let me down by running off with OW while I was back in my country waiting for him to arrive.


Friends, I still love my husband. But I don't know if it's the husband I used to know, or what... I was the WORST DBer in the history of the world - lashing out in anger, desperate, crying, pleading, begging for 7 months while I was pregnant and just after the birth.

I sabotaged my opportunity to save us. Because there was a window, when he first arrived and dropped the bomb and was still confused.

He needed me to be strong, to lead. And I didn't.

So, what is it now? 11 months later, here I am... beautiful baby, on the other side of the world, I am healing, I am doing really well and never cry anymore, but I think of him all the time still. But I am making plans for me and my daughter that don't include WH.

I want to save my M, though I know the old one is very dead.

So I guess I want a new one, preferably - oh yes, preferably - with WH. But if someone else comes along meanwhile, and if WH is still out of the picture, who knows, I might not say No.

I have some power..and this is where I could do with some support... I have our daughter, obviously, 100% of the time. WH wants news. He needs me.

Many would say WH does not deserve his daughter, considering, but all the experts and common sense tells me that a child is better off with some contact rather than none...

I want to show WH what he is missing out on...

I know he wants to have a relationship with her, but today he does NOT want one with me...

I need to write back to WH and again in my sitch I could go 2 ways...

1. be upbeat, charming, lead etc

2. business like.


I know 'trad' Dbing advice would be to try and win him back by being the better option...

and the vets would be more hardlined...

But what's the point of not showing the best me?
Doesn't that just project that I am still angry?
Doesn't that project that I am still 'stuck'?
Isn't the best revenge to show yourself having a great life?

I really could do with some support as to how to write back to my WH in these initial stages...until I get into a groove and it comes naturally...

He's been overseas and living with OW now for 2 + months...

He's saying he wants to come back and see our daughter in May 2011.....

I know I wont see him before then...

This gives me time to keep detaching and keep GALing !

[sgctxok]

Hi Piano,

You are in a good 'space'. And I'll bet you already know what to do.

What advice would you give yourself? (btw--this is how I DB my own situation and it works. I give others advice, look at my own situation and go....'doh'! I think I need to do.... this--whatever it is).

Take a stab at it.

sg

[robx]

...I know I let "us" down.

Then he let me down by running off with OW while I was back in my country waiting for him to arrive.

Friends, I still love my husband. But I don't know if it's the husband I used to know, or what... I was the WORST DBer in the history of the world - lashing out in anger, desperate, crying, pleading, begging for 7 months while I was pregnant and just after the birth.

You're not going to get a 2x4 from me on this except for the fact that you take all the blame for a choice he decided to make.

No one forced him to leave, no one forced him to shack up with another woman, no one forced him to marry you and get you pregnant and then leave you without a husband and your baby without a father.

He made those decisions and you need to allow him to take responsibility for those choices and actions.

You want to apologize for being angry, sad, desperate, crying, begging, pleading, begging while being pregnant and I'm going to be someone who is going to tell you that you don't need to apologize.

When a woman is pregnant (and even afterwards), there are so many changes happening in her body, a lot of them hormonal - YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS PROCESS.

Think of this way,
when you first found out you were pregnant,
didn't you get emotional just at the news and idea of being pregnant? Heck that was just at the beginning.

So you body changes a lot, different hormones are being produced to get the body ready, the required growing environment ready for the baby to live and grow in for the next several months. Getting emotional and having mood swings is extremely commonplace, expecting everything to be normal as it was prior to getting pregnant is just silly. You are just bound to feel many different emotions and feelings during this change process.

The changes are normal and don't define you as a person, my goodness Piano, you make it sound like you should be put in prison for behaving like a pregnant woman!

You went through ups and downs, maybe you felt insecure, scared, had anxiety, some days you were happy and glowing, other days you were miserable and crying. Some days maybe you felt overweight and unattractive to your spouse. Some days you worried about the health of your baby, your health, how labor would be, worrying about every doctor's visit and exam and hoping to hear good news during each visit to the doctor.

All normal.

What wasn't normal unfortunately was your husband's response. He abandoned you at a point in your life when you were most vulnerable: when you were pregnant. He got you pregnant and then he hooked up with another woman, and leaves you. He gives you flimsy excuses and explanations, lots of pressure this, and we can't make it living in this country that, and this is too much for me to do, I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. Plain and simple, the guy was afraid of being an adult, afraid of adult responsibilities. Being married to you and having a kid brought reality crashing to his door. He wasn't the first guy to ever react like this and unfortunately he won't be the last.

Stop taking this on as it being your fault entirely.

It isn't your fault.

I personally would never blame a pregnant woman for acting like a pregnant woman, not now or ever. When I do bust people, its usually for not acting like an adult.

You may have both (you and your husband) contributed to issues in your marriage before you got pregnant and you have joint responsibility in that, but no one forced him to marry you, to get you pregnant, to cheat on you, to abandon you and move far away from you. He's a big boy, he can assume responsibility for his actions.

You have bigger fish to fry now,
you have to make sure that you and your baby have a good life, safe place to live, some sort of income to support you both, a good environment for the baby to grow in and a good environment for you to heal yourself and move on with your life.

I know you still want your husband but for now, continue focusing on you and your baby and make a good life for the both of you, come back here for support, updates but most importantly take care of yourself and that baby.

Make sure you have a good day today.

[Piano]

Thanks so much robx for your reply. You could have been harder on me, but you're right, I am already too hard on myself. I have to remind myself to give myself a break!

Anyhoo....

To now....

How should I be with him in our email correspondence?

This is the email I received form him a week ago:


Hi (wife)

I have been wanting to write to you for a while now, but I have been taken into the turmoil of my new job and time seems to have gone in a flash.
I have been thinking about you and (baby) and I hope dearly that you are both well, right in warmth of the (country) spring.
I suppose I needed also a bit of time, breathing space.

I miss having news about the little (baby). She must have changed and grown already so much ... 5 months-old now.
How is she?

I wrote to her but I kept the letter.

I am going to be paid my October salary (around 2,800 euros), and I'll be able to send you some money at last.

I am sorry I didn't send you money before but I got paid 1,197 euros for September and I just had enough to get by until now.
I am quite disappointed by the job at (company). The job is very demanding, (boss) appears to be even more tyrannical and mad than before, and I can't see my prospects in terms of salary increase and opportunities getting any better at (company) in the future. I regret nothing happened with (other company) in September but I just couldn't afford waiting and risking to be jobless for too long.

This contract with (company) is going to make me very busy until the end of production of the film, in May next year, and I hope I'll then be able to jump ship to a better job. I then also want to come to (your country), hopefully in time for (baby's) 1st birthday.

I'll let you know when I have done the money transfer to your account.

Take care,
H

[robx]

Hi Piano,
you are sounding better - good stuff, I like to hear that :-)

As for the email,
don't respond,
he will checking his email daily after sending that email,
he will be looking for a response from you,
and there won't be one,
he'll send another email after that asking if you had rec'd the first email, then we can worry about responses.

So to recap....
do nothing for now ;-)

Continue concentrating on you and the baby.

His email speaks nothing to me,
it's all about him, how hard life is,
how hard is job is, trying to come with excuses as to why he hasn't been contacting you regularly and inquiring regularly about his daughter, I can understand phone calls being expensive but emails?

C'mon, he can do better than "being taken into the turmoil of new job", hard to feel bad for someone who chose that life and that job, don't get sucked into that trap.

Have a good day ;-)

[Piano]

Because it's about kids and finances, I have to reply right?

I have been all pursuit up until now. Not sure how to balance this act!

[Piano]

Oops, we were typing at the same time and I missed your response.

Yeah, I'd be happy to ignore this email.

They've all been about HIM for the last 10 months.. They all follow the same script. His job searches and then 'hoping' we are well.

Of course what he fails to mention is his life with OW.

I don't even have his address (although I know it is with her & I know where she lives) , nor a phone number for him. I haven't asked.

I am going to have a great day!

I love my baby and spring is here!!

[Kimmie Lee]

You don't have to reply to anything from him.

That email of his was completely self-serving and just a set-up so that you won't expect much money from him.

And as far as having a kid, he didn't care enough to stay and be a father and husband and here he is acting all concerned and "missing" the baby....uh-huh.

Don't settle for such teeny little crumbs, or use the baby as an excuse to reply to his ridiculous emails.

[Piano]

Yes, that is an adequate description, Kimmee Lee.

I suppose in the long run, if he wants to be part of our child's life, I have to find a way to communicate effectively with him.

Also if I want his money, it's best we can work out an arrangement just the two of us, because now that he's overseas the child support agency will have trouble enforcing anything.

I can ignore this email.

and then with the next learn to communicate in a way that gets across what I require from him but that protects me emotionally.

I am a lot closer to nailing this than before.

still have work to do.