The other nite was unplanned. I acted emotionally, and in anger. It was repulsive of me. I need a different approach. I need to attract her, like that squirrel to eat from my hand. Coach helped me with that last night. Pointed out all the mistakes I made and gave me a list of things to work on and things to watch for. I have a goal and before I say or do anything I must ask myself, "will this help or hurt the goal?" This morning was calm, W listened to me and I listened to her. Both our psyches are filled with fear and distruct of each other. That's going to end. She knows my moral dilemma. But I think threatening to kick her out will hurt the goal. I'm going to pause there and catch my breath. Slow down and DB. Thanks for all the input.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I need time = I want to cake eat for longer until I have had sex, is that ok with you?
Seriously Pickle, you need to bring the hammer down on this... You confronted her, told her end the affair or leave
She asks for more time
You back down and hand it over?
Now she has zero respect for your confronting her... You need to stop letting her yank your chain and you need to put your foot down
Frank,
Did you really expect him 2 weeks in to do this perfectly?
Seriously?
IAP, good try bud. This ain't easy.
Is your coach JoAnn?
If you come from anger it's always going to be viewed as a threat.
However, you do have to follow through now or your W will learn that you now have another weakness to exploit.
Take a breather and follow the Do and Don't list. You've said what you said. You didn't pull it off correctly. However, you have stood up for yourself and she has noticed. Don't beat yourself up over it. Ok? It's not perfect, but it's not a catastophe either.
The Do and Don't list will give you actions to follow and it's a good plan for right now. In addition, start going to the gym/exercise and get out of the house now and then. Begin becoming mysterious, make her wonder what YOU are going to do next.
When you interact with her do exactly what the Coach told you. Also, you are trying to end the Affair, follow through in the next couple days and start bringing home boxes, don't bring anything up just bring em home and let her really see how serious you are.
I'm sure Robx and Starsky can help through the next steps.
nothing to add here, FaithnAK covered everything and then some, nice job bro ;-)
Pickle, all we can ask is listen to the advice.
If you're afraid of rocking the boat, don't be, your wife wasn't afraid to rock the boat, hopefully you're not afraid of her.
When you feel fear in a specific situation, stop yourself and think about what it is you're truly afraid of. Is someone physicallyl threatening your life or the lives of your children? That would be a valid fear. If someone is taking advantage of your good nature and cheating on you, don't be afraid of that person, realize the need to stand up for yourself and respect yourself to stop allowing people to take advantage of you and use you.
You sound like a nice guy and there's nothing wrong with being a guy who is nice, just make sure you're not being nice so that others will accept you and approve of you - never go down that path in your life, it never works, that is what they call a "cheeseless tunnel" ;-)
"Cheeseless Tunnels" I've got to re-read that chapter.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I'v had a couple of days since the "argument" Things are better. She said she was afraid after that. Look, I know this is a first for her. She's definately in uncharted waters with this EA. Like Luke Skywalker to Vader, I can sense the conflict within. I think it's real. I can push her over the edge or..... or what? I know I can push her away, that's easy. The other thing (what) is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm gonna need time. She came back to our bed again and last night she took my arm and squeezed; I held her hand for a minute(s). I can't tell if it was just pity or as I'm hoping the slightest inkling of second thoughts about ending our M. But I'm going to continue DBing. No more ugliness, only attractiveness. No more moping, only upbeatness. No more doubt, only faith. No more dispair, only hope.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Been a few days since I posted. I've been taking notes and observing. She's kind of DBing me. Avoiding contact. Avoiding being at the same location too long. I've been trying real hard to back away. But I suspect she can see the grief in my eyes. Funny, the kids don't seem to suspect a thing (I think). It's Weird. Gotta talk to my coach. Any thoughts?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sorry for the hijack, but no Private messages are allowed & His thread locked...So anyhow, Robx, please check out "blessedtobedad" and "hope for zen"s threads when you get a chance. They both need some guy advice/insight. It'd be nice if we had PM's here....just sayin'. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Been a few days since I posted. I've been taking notes and observing. She's kind of DBing me. Avoiding contact. Avoiding being at the same location too long. I've been trying real hard to back away. But I suspect she can see the grief in my eyes. Funny, the kids don't seem to suspect a thing (I think). It's Weird. Gotta talk to my coach. Any thoughts?
Change your time horizon. You've not been doing this long enough to know what is or is not working. I would not monitor at all until 100 days of DBing has been pretty consistently done. Make that your goal. 100 days. It's do-able. Then you assess and decide to change the behavior or recommit to another 100 days.
My time frame would be months to years. (It WAS a good 2 years til we seriously began piecing and another year until I felt we recommitted fully -08). So stop staring at a pot of water and hoping it will boil sooner by you looking at it. The more energy you spend wondering what SHE is thinking/feeling the LESS you spend on GAL and looking attractive and being upbeat.
I'll tell you what My biggest regret was in my h's MLC, (I only call that period an MLC b/c it was mostly out of character behavior AND we're together again. But the label does NOT matter much).
My biggest regret was the time I wasted wondering about H, and NOT about MY life. I wondered "WHY H was doing what he was doing or what he was doing, or with whom or where he was and what his plans were", etc. (Truthfully I don't think HE knows all the answers) I SHOULD have been spending that time on ME, MY KIDS, MY future and getting it started. Ironically, It was only when I truly believed life without h might actually be pretty darn good in the long run and not that bad in the short run, that I became the happy busy woman I used to be. And yeah, h noticed...and here we are. Please take this opportunity (that is what this is, as well as other things) to create the life you want for you and yours. NOT WITH W, but with you and your kids. Don't do this as a tactic, but as a means to living well.
If your w had died a few years ago, would you shrivel up and die? No.So imagine a happy life soon and flesh out that image. What's it look like? What can you create of it, now? What are your 180s? How's the GAL activities? Be a man only a fool would leave. If you become a man only a fool would leave, then the results are up to God. (And If she still leaves, then she's a fool, and who needs that?)
Stay the course. Learn patience. Do the Serenity prayer at least a few times a day. Seriously. It helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll try to remember what you said. It hasn't been that long since the bomb dropped, so thinking that way (life w/o W) is gonna take some time, but I'll get there.
But really about her behavior, I'm just curious. My DB coach instructed me to read what she is trying to tell me, not just in her words but actions as well. "what is she really saying?" So that's all really.
We had a chat this morning over coffee before the kids woke up about anything from finances to our home, and I think I made a little progress toward being that guy only a fool would leave. She gets teary during our talks and at mass this morning really struggled holding back the tears. She even let me massage her foot a little, which is a far cry from the avoidence. I don't know of she's really conflicted or what. It seems to back and forth.
I've been pretty upbeat around her and only let out any grief when I am alone in prayer. I'm still trying to be the first to say bye etc. and all that pulling away stuff. But heck, it's only been three weeks, and I feel like I'm in love the way I was when we met. I've made clear my moral postion, my feelings and now I'm getting a life and just waiting.
100 days you say? God - that seems like forever!!!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
