It takes their relationship out of the fantasy realm, and into the everyday, bad-breath, you-get-on-my-nerves realm. It makes them more like a "married" couple, at a time when at least one of them is running hell-bent AWAY from wanting to be a married person.
I agree Starsky. I chose to end my R and put BF out of the house knowing full well that he would run to OW. That's exactly what he did, he moved in with her for one month. I don't know what happened during that time because I have never asked. I do know that he got his own place (and would have been out sooner but there were complications with his rental application) and was asking me for another chance.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Good thread my experience is only recent but OM cut my W off cold and it was evident in her anger resentment and paranoid behavior. It seems the EA/PA fantasy bomb drop to me in her case made reality set in. I don't know where we will end up but I have the sad heart breaking advantage of knowing the OM very well and his spouse, this allows for double checking who is where and who is contacting who. From my limited experience if my w was still in active A I would have told her to go. She is considering moving out to work out her emotions and I have said go and she has not taken action. With the W having an A the marriage is a security blanket and the fantasy with all the thrills won't end untill something is shattered. I think someone mentioned a book it's a great easy read almost dead on. Between DR this other book about Women having affairs and all the internet resources it seems once you understand the "anatomy" of the affair not only is it easier to cope with but easier to work the situation. BUT still one roller coaster ride I did not want to take. I have seen the most change since switching to PMA, a whole bunch of 180s, no R talk and just acting like a friend. I have at least once seen the confused look on her face at my posotive reactions.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I have at least once seen the confused look on her face at my posotive reactions.
It's amazing what happens when you agree with your spouse. The other day, W was spewing about how I had never loved her, or given her enough attention.
I replied "You're right. Completely right. I was a horrible husband, I never loved you the way you needed."
The look on her face was absolute confusion. She wanted/expected a fight, and I was agreeing with her!
It's a lot easier to agree most of the time, and arguing simply does no good. Of course you can't agree with everything, but you can sure agree with their feelings.
Idk that it' the guilt but it is a total 180. If your spouse is used to you fighting them on their perception/truth and you start validating them, it does WONDERS. How can you possibly argue/resent someone who is AGREEING with you? It's like reverse psychology. Plus you are addressing their concerns and trying to empathize w/ them. Everyone loves that. It's wonderful.
Originally Posted By: pinhead
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
I have at least once seen the confused look on her face at my posotive reactions.
It's amazing what happens when you agree with your spouse. The other day, W was spewing about how I had never loved her, or given her enough attention.
I replied "You're right. Completely right. I was a horrible husband, I never loved you the way you needed."
The look on her face was absolute confusion. She wanted/expected a fight, and I was agreeing with her!
It's a lot easier to agree most of the time, and arguing simply does no good. Of course you can't agree with everything, but you can sure agree with their feelings.
So is that the guilt trying to justify the behavior or what is that?
No, b/c women say things to the men and get into arguments with them all the time. Don't have to have an affair or feel guilty over anything. I think it's more of an "expectation" of the outcome of whatever it is the W says. That's why the look of utter confussion. That isn't what she expected you to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In terms of engaging my WAW, is the best approach to basically give her the space she needs within our house? My approach is to focus on GAL, hang out lots with our 3 kids, go out with people from work and just be poplite to her. My only concern is that this approach would increase the distance emotionally between us. On the other hand she has told me that she doesn't want to be here.
IMO, your best approach is to accept her choice and go live your life. Stop worry about what she is doing and thinking and just be yourself. I like the idea of focusing on GALing and spending the time with the kids. DO what YOU want to do for YOU. Leave her be. Any changes that you do with an EXPECTATION that she will respond in a certain way will only leave you frustrated.
She want's out YET you are worried about the emotional distance. Why? the fact that she wants out should say something to you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
