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A Message from Michele
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Living Like Roommates #2101046
11/04/10 05:43 PM
11/04/10 05:43 PM
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punchy Offline OP
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punchy  Offline OP
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Looking for some advice on how to get the WAW to rethink her living like roommates position. I have been DBing for a year and have worked hard to become a better person, father and husband. Wife has indicated that my DBing only makes her feel guilty. Not sure whettehr this is good or not??

She recently indicated that she can't go back to loving me again, didn't indicate why. She did say that she is just staying for the kids and me. I am not sure that I can continue to live like this. She has put up this emotional wall between us that is painful to deal with on a daily basis. She has two personalities, the cold non-emotional one when dealing with me, and the all laughs and giggles one when dealing with everyone else. I think others refer to it as having an Alien in your house. She is no longer the person that I met, fell in love with and married. I soon will be a walk away spouse, but would prefer to save my marriage.

Looking for some advice on how to break this stalemate. Every day that this continues, I feel like I am becoming just like her, emotionally detached from the marriage.

Me: 51
Wife: 47
S: 14
S: 12
D: 8

Married: 18 Years
Status: Living Like Roommates

Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: punchy] #2101448
11/05/10 12:28 PM
11/05/10 12:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
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Coach Offline
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Quote:
Looking for some advice on how to get the WAW to rethink her living like roommates position. I have been DBing for a year and have worked hard to become a better person, father and husband. Wife has indicated that my DBing only makes her feel guilty


You will be roommates as long as she is having an affair. Another man is getting what you want.


Quote:
She has also connected with a male employee from work who she says is just a fried, but admited that he was interested in her sexually. Although she told him she just wants to be friends, she is always texting him and very secretive of her cell phone.



Why would she tell you this?


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: Coach] #2101517
11/05/10 02:15 PM
11/05/10 02:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Florida

Sorry, but I agree with Coach. As long as your wife is carrying on with this other guy, she's going to be closed off to you emotionally.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: punchy] #2101519
11/05/10 02:21 PM
11/05/10 02:21 PM
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soleil Offline
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Originally Posted By: punchy
I soon will be a walk away spouse, but would prefer to save my marriage.


You're not the WAS. She is.

Coach, where is this quoted in his post? I don't see it?

Quote:
She has also connected with a male employee from work who she says is just a fried, but admited that he was interested in her sexually. Although she told him she just wants to be friends, she is always texting him and very secretive of her cell phone.


Punchy, she says she can't love you-- let her go.

Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: soleil] #2101526
11/05/10 02:24 PM
11/05/10 02:24 PM
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Posts: 209
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punchy Offline OP
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punchy  Offline OP
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How do you let her go if you still live in the same house?

Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: soleil] #2101528
11/05/10 02:25 PM
11/05/10 02:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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It's from a previous post of his. He's starting multiple threads. I had to look to find it too.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: soleil] #2101530
11/05/10 02:26 PM
11/05/10 02:26 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
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Coach Offline
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from his first post: Wife dropped the bomb on me one year ago. Found this website within a few days and read Michele's Books. Have been DBing for a year, going to counselling and becoming a better person, husband and father.

Wife and I always had a different approach to money, I saved, she spent. I became an angry person because of it. Over the past year I have changed my value system and have become more understanding, caring and considerate on all matters including finances.

Had a brief discussion with my wife about our relationship this week. She told that all of the nice things that I am doing and the improvements that I am making, only make her feel guilty. She says that she can't ever go back to loving me again and wants to live as roommates. I have recently moved to the basement and she seems fine with this.

The question I have that I guess everyone asks at some point is how long do you keep going with this? My wife is all laughs and giggles with people from work, visitors to the door or people on the phone. With me, there is this emotional wall up that she won't let any emotions through. Its like living with a complete stranger. I think others have referred to the WAW being like having an Alien in your house. She is not the person I met, fell in love with and married.

She has also connected with a male employee from work who she says is just a fried, but admited that he was interested in her sexually. Although she told him she just wants to be friends, she is always texting him and very secretive of her cell phone.

I guess my other question is whether making her feel guilty a good or bad thing? I have been thinking about going dark and or letting her know that I am considering divorce. Every day that goes by, I feel as if I love her less and less. Its almost like I am now going through what she has gone through and at some point I will be as emotionally detached as she is.


My Situation

H: 51
W: 47

S: 14
S: 12
D: 08

Together: 22 Years
Married: 18 Years

Status - Living like roommates


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...214#Post2099214


Punch, Keep posting on this current thread. Don't keep starting a new one.

Cheers


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: punchy] #2101537
11/05/10 02:31 PM
11/05/10 02:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,451
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Greek Offline
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Greek  Offline
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Posts: 1,451
Originally Posted By: punchy
Looking for some advice on how to get the WAW to rethink her living like roommates position. I have been DBing for a year and have worked hard to become a better person, father and husband. Wife has indicated that my DBing only makes her feel guilty. Not sure whettehr this is good or not??

She recently indicated that she can't go back to loving me again, didn't indicate why. She did say that she is just staying for the kids and me. I am not sure that I can continue to live like this. She has put up this emotional wall between us that is painful to deal with on a daily basis. She has two personalities, the cold non-emotional one when dealing with me, and the all laughs and giggles one when dealing with everyone else. I think others refer to it as having an Alien in your house. She is no longer the person that I met, fell in love with and married. I soon will be a walk away spouse, but would prefer to save my marriage.

Looking for some advice on how to break this stalemate. Every day that this continues, I feel like I am becoming just like her, emotionally detached from the marriage.

Me: 51
Wife: 47
S: 14
S: 12
D: 8

Married: 18 Years
Status: Living Like Roommates


Break the stalemate by ending the open marriage. As long as she is involved, as long as her heart is with another man, she will not have room for you or anything you happen to be doing to improve.
Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: Coach] #2101539
11/05/10 02:32 PM
11/05/10 02:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
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soleil Offline
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^ Thanks, guys. I was thinking my DB page was all messed up.

She has also connected with a male employee from work who she says is just a fried, but admited that he was interested in her sexually. Although she told him she just wants to be friends, she is always texting him and very secretive of her cell phone.


She is most definitely having an affair. So you need to decide: are you going to actively participate in the fact that your W is going off w/ another man, at the very least having an emotional affair, or are you going to DO something about?

Re: Living Like Roommates [Re: Coach] #2101543
11/05/10 02:36 PM
11/05/10 02:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
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Greek Offline
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Originally Posted By: Coach
She has also connected with a male employee from work who she says is just a fried, but admited that he was interested in her sexually. Although she told him she just wants to be friends, she is always texting him and very secretive of her cell phone.
Completely inappropriate for a married woman to have that level of conversation with another man.

Quote:
I guess my other question is whether making her feel guilty a good or bad thing? I have been thinking about going dark and or letting her know that I am considering divorce. Every day that goes by, I feel as if I love her less and less. Its almost like I am now going through what she has gone through and at some point I will be as emotionally detached as she is.




You are not making her feel anything. IF she feels guilty, it is bc she is doing something wrong and she knows it. And there you, letting her get right away with it. Stop the cake eating. She really wants you to lay the law down and be a man about your marriage, instead of an enabling, doting bystander.

Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
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