W Filed, Still not served, GAL'n every day!

[DangerDave]

Hey all starting a new thread at the request of the mods -here's the back story link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2011868&page=16

I can tell you it's tough living together during this whole trip, but it is the best thing for our kids. It also helps me build my mental "toughness", keep busy around the house and also motivates me to plan my day for myself every weekend to have a blast and stay out of the house (other day is always me and the kids S14/D16).

I can't say strongly enough to everyone in LBSville to truly get out and GAL. It's taken me about 5 months to really embrace a different lifestyle - one that's fun, exciting and REAL. Once you do this, it makes the detachment process so much easier, not that any of these techniques are easy here, but this will get you over that mountain that I know we all face but can't bring ourselves to accept.

The next part of the trip for me is to truly Drop the Rope, the only way I see this happening is more GAL time and it will come to me step by step, I feel it already. I'd truly love to say I'm there now, but I have to be 100% honest to myself at all times. The concern I have is when I get there is what will I want to do with my life from here on - I am having a pretty good time starting to live as a single parent, without the trappings of M. It will be an interesting choice if and when it presents itself.

So onto a new thread and once again thanks for all your support - coach, greek, gucci, pdt - and everyone else- it's your input that keeps me striving to get to the best of me!

Thanks

DD

[DangerDave]

Hello all -

Well I'm giving myself a bump here as it seems that most of my previous support group are not frequenting the forums due to a variety of reasons, which I am sorry to see and I do miss all of you really - you know who you are!

On another note I am still here, fighting what I hope is the good fight and doing what I think is constructive DB'ing. So I hope I can manage to enlist a few more vet's here to follow along and guide me on the journey ahead. For those who have managed to stay, Solei and Dane thanks for your continued support!

On a current note, had a great four days out camping and dirt bike riding with my d16 and some family friends of both myself and W. They do express their amazement of her wanting a D but they are not taking sides. It is good to be able to show my new and improved side to our friends - it really makes me feel like I am doing the right thing(s) in getting my life pointed where it should - it does make me feel great and also sorry for the W - she's going to miss the best part of me.

Anyway just a quick update - everyone have a good week out there!

DD

[dbmod]

Hi Danger--

I'm glad you are still working it...and GAL. How are your interactions with your wife going?

[DangerDave]

Hello dbmod - First thanks for keeping my thread "alive"! Interactions with the W have been very civil, mostly about the kids and routine day to day stuff. There has been some levity but her mood changes day to day - last night she was in a bad mood - I had offered her some advice when she was going on about a topic and she instantly turned it to my controlling behavior. It really dumbfounded me as it was only an option/idea I threw out to her in that vain - very non-confrontational, just a "you could always do this as well" - and nothing to to with the R as well.

It seems that anything I say that suggests something other than her mindset on ANY topic just flies back into my face - so I avoid it at all costs - that latest really was nothing to do with anything of import - oh well.

She announced yesterday that T'giving will be at our house with all of my in-laws and their families - not too far off from typical for us, but we usually celebrate that Holiday with family friends and reserve Xmas for the family only event. Not sure her thinking on this, but since she declined coming on the camping trip with our family friends because it would be "awkward" for her(??) she probably would have the same conflict with these other friends since they all know she's filed as well.

So I'm just going about my life day to day like business as usual, at least usual in my new found freedom and life and am not looking over my shoulder at all. It's the best I can do to detach while under the same roof - it will be interesting next week with all the kids home where she's going to be sleeping - not sure if I should offer up our bed our not - she'd probably say no thanks and really don't want to set myself up for any further rejection, but I do want to do the right thing DB wise!

Thanks again,

DD

[dbmod]

Hi Danger,

Maybe you can let her take the initiative on the bed.

What women usually want when they talk to you....is for you to LISTEN. JUST listen. Sounds silly, huh...when you could help solve the frustration?

So....no problem...you just got information from your interaction. You've got data from a solution you tried. Now...next time try going against your natural instincts....catch yourself and just listen. Maybe even ask her a question to let her talk some more about it. Don't worry, there will be times when you will be allowed to solve the problem and she will be grateful for it.

[Jstar]

dangerdave,

do you see w not serving you a sign of hope? I ask since i have filed and have not served h.

are you both still living in same house? i would see that as a good thing.

[DangerDave]

Dmod - I get it and yes I need to continue to listen more and talk less - that hard part is not knowing when a response is wanted or not! And thanks I need that bump to the head now and again to remind me of the "right" things to do or not do!

Jstar- thanks a lot for jumping on-board here with me! The not being served could be a sign - possibly. It may be W is wanting to get through the Holidays (and anniversary next month -jeeze) with a minimum of stress, or she's waiting to time the service with an upcoming work position she wants that will start next summer - so the six month clock would start and end when she would start working f/t. And naturally it could be she's still trying to figure all this out - regardless I don't and can't dwell on it, just approach each and every day with a "glad to be here" attitude!

We do still live in the same house, but different rooms at this point - and I do see that as a good thing, but the mental stress is like parting the Red Sea, I actually surprise myself how well I can cope with it without wiggin out! Just continue to be be the bigger person and do what I think is the right thing between us, the lovingly detached concept really helps - when I think what I would want my friends to do and act around me, that's what I put forth. It's really pretty easy as the new me - and I like it too!

Thanks all!

DD

[Dagny-2]

DD --

The thing that jumped out in reading your thread was when you W got upset over advice. We women can be a bit sensitive about this -- I know it has already been said, but I'm not sure why, and I know I am too, but getting advice, when not asked, gets under our skin.

What are your plans for after the holiday?

Dagny

[DangerDave]

Hi Dagny,

Thanks for the reply! Well after the T'giving Holiday I have an xmas party the first part of the month and then I'v been invited to a 3 day track event (I race) down south from me. That's going to be a tricky one as the return day is our anniversary - so add one more thing to my list of things to contemplate!

As for the balance of weekends, we or at least I have been trading off one day for myself and one with the kids. I have been hanging out with some good family friends that we both know well, the W and kids are always invited and one of the kids, d16, usually will go with me and w and s14 stay behind.

I still count that as my weekend parenting day and take the other to myself to hang out with other adult friends - whether it's out riding bikes, dirt bikes or going to dinner and a movie, I make sure it's fun for me and whomever I'm with. I don't overnight and always get home at a reasonable hour.

During the week if w's home I just keep busy with getting all the "single man" household chores done -laundry, dishes, dinner etc. and then hangout with the kids with a bit of TV and then off to bed. These are all 180's for me but really they would have to get done by myself if she's gone anyway - so I've made it a routine I've lived by for the last seven months - so I'm used to it and it does make me feel good being able to handle that part of the household as well as work too!

So that's the plan to date - as for the R and D aspects, I'm just going about my business. Financially it's a bit tight and we could use some of her income to help with the bills, which we never have, but I know it would be a hot button to press if I bring it up and may move her to serve. I've been told to hard line out that end of things, but also that time is my ally here- one will definitely trump the other if I flip that switch I'm sure. So limbo with time again.

Thanks

DD

[DangerDave]

Well hello everyone,

Hope everyone managed to get through the first part of the holidays intact! Well my summons just got here so that waiting and wondering is over - now onto more action items.

Not sure just what do now really - not blindsided but yes hurting a lot. On to the lawyers now I guess.

DD