Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Update,

Just got back from spending 3 days at the conference. My H has been there for a week now and will still be there for another week. I knew x-OW would be there. I didn't realize she'd be WORKING at the conference along with my H. But it's not surprising since she's done that in previous years.

I arrived Friday evening and saw H briefly. He's always super stressed at this event and it's normal for us to have very limited contact. In fact, we decided that D would sleep with me in the bed and H would sleep on the couch (his job gives him a suite) in an adjacent room so that in case he woke up due to insomnia (almost a guarantee) he could work without bothering anyone. I wasn't too keen on the idea but it made sense.

On Saturday morning I went to the registration desk to get checked into the conference. That's when I discovered OW working the desk. I wasn't exactly looking for her but there she was. I walked up to the desk and gave my name to the person and then realized she was about 5 feet away doing some other stuff. My heart started beating fast and my hands shook a bit. But I kept it together and just concentrated on continuing to be nice and bubbly to the staff and held my head high. I acted oblivious but since I had to give my name and she was within earshot, she HAD to know. In fact, although I couldn't directly observe, I'm pretty sure I made her quite anxious. Once I got my stuff, I calmly walked away with D in tow and walked into the room where my H was working. I didn't mention it. Like I said, he has enough to deal with and he did tell me in advance that she'd be around. I let H know that I got my stuff and D and I went off to get lunch. By that time, I was feeling quite confident and secure. As TAMF pointed out, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did nothing wrong. I have every right to be there and will not be changing my behavior. So I made it a point to walk by the desk again on the way to lunch.

I didn't see her again that day but D and I had a good time. On Sunday, I got up early (D was still sleeping) and went to see H prior to going to some of the sessions. While I was sitting in the back room with H just chatting, another one of H's coworkers was asking him a question. I was just sitting there listening to her ask him a question when x-OW walked in the room. I glanced (as anyone would when someone walks in) and then calmly glanced back to continue to listen to the coworker. Not sure if H noticed but not sure how he couldn't. But he kept it together and acted as oblivious as me. Not sure why she walked in, but then she walked through and walked out another door. I liked that she saw me there casually sitting next to H wearing my kick ass new thigh high boots.

Later in the afternoon, I walked back into the backroom to say hi to H. I had D with me and we both were sitting there. I was busy doing something and didn't even see x-OW walk into the room and sit at a computer. Once I realized she was there, I realized how awful my H was probably feeling inside. But to his credit, he acted fine. I acted oblivious as well. But made sure to hang out long enough for it to be annoying (to her). Eventually, I walked out with D, again with my head held high.

Overall, I enjoyed my time at the conference but found myself getting frustrated with H. He kept me at arms length nearly the whole time. Although he was the one that insisted I buy my kick ass boots and seemed excited about it, he didn't mention them at all when I wore them. He didn't actually kiss me until last night as he was going back to work at 3 am. I felt like D and I were more in his way than anything else. BUT. I didn't say anything. It just wasn't the right time.

Like I said, this is always a very very very difficult couple of weeks for him. He's grouchy and distant on a good year. Throw in MLC and an x-OW walking around and he was a mess. In fact I asked him on Sunday how many Xanax he'd taken and he said "more than is healthy". Did I have worries? Big time. Sure. When he left me at 3 am to go work, I would be lying if the thought that maybe he was going to have a rendez-vous with the OW didn't enter my head. But to his credit, even when he was involved with OW, it was months AFTER the bomb and he had already told me he was done with the marriage (part of the reason why he doesn't feel like he did anything wrong in that respect). So I must tackle these trust issues head on. And leaving the city, knowing that H is stuck in a hotel alone where x-OW is also staying can't be any bigger demonstration of trust. And I mean that for myself, as much as for my H. Distrust can eat you alive and I don't choose to live that way. I will do my best to keep my thoughts positive but still be keenly aware and observant. As the conference winds down, the stress on H will be reduced greatly and he will be able to finally catch up on sleep. At some point, I will want to discuss the past week with him, but not now. I have been taking his distance recently quite personally (hard not to) but I think he needs his space right now. I don't sense he's reconsidering anything. In fact, he introduced me as his wife to one of the hotel staff. That was the first time I'd heard that in a long time.

The plan thus far is for D and I to accompany H and his friends to do some SCUBA diving this upcoming weekend once the conference ends. H mentioned today though, that he was considering not going. This too, sadly, is par for the course. He always schedules a relaxing trip after the conference and then always regrets it because usually he's so exhausted and a bit tired of dealing with his friends (who he hires to help him out at the conference). So he probably will regret it but NOT bail on the trip.

Regardless of what happens with the weekend trip, I look forward to having this conference behind me. It has been a worry on both of us. H had tons to deal with work wise. I could see it. Unfortunately, I don't think he has even considered what kind of stress it has been on me. I struggled with headaches all weekend and I'm pretty damn sure it was my patented stress headaches making their return. But unfortunately as is the case with MLC, H is focused on himself only (and in a way it's necessary). I must continue to take care of myself.

This will be an interesting week.

[TAMF]

I am so very proud of you and the way you handled the sitch with the x-ow! God how I would have loved to have been in the room when she saw you get up with your new boots on! I think I would have burst out laughing!

This week will be hard - all the images and thoughts going through you head. Just remember that your imagination is probably worse than what is really happening. Sounds like H is too stressed out over work to even notice her or deal with the additional stress that is "her".

Stay the course - worry about you and try to keep the stress down so the headaches go away!

[angel61]

Alb, so interesting to read your sitch. In March I will have a similar problem - we have a convention, both me and H will go, I will probably only attend a subspecialty day or two as I will be busy that time but need some updating, H will be there probably the full course of the convention, and OW (I don't know if it is X or not at this point, used to be X last Nov) lives in that city! So of course unless something major happens, she will be there too! I dread it. I am inspired by you. I better make sure to have a kick as* wardrobe by then!

[Albuquerque]

I better make sure to have a kick as* wardrobe by then!

Definitely do it for yourself!! Clothes can make such a difference in how you carry yourself and KNOWING you look good is fantastic. Best of luck for your convention and definitely keep us updated.

[irishblessings]

Alb -
Well done! You are a class act! I hope you can enjoy your time with your D and just knowing that you are taking care of you!
IB

[hope for zen]

I really admire your grace and dignity under fire, Alb.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Had some contact with H yesterday via text/phone etc. He had to send me some photos to develop (our whole family is submitting photos to the state fair competition). The deadline is Friday and time is running out. He seemed pretty much the same. Friendly but still sounding super overly stressed out. Didn't hear from him all evening/night. I figured he was either sleeping or drinking with his pals.

Found out this morning it was the latter. He flew two friends in to help him with the conference. They routinely drink till 4-5 am and on days where my H can join, he does. But he's been realizing that AD meds/Xanax and alcohol don't mix well. So he just drinks less (ugh). So he was hurting this morning. He tried to call me this morning but I was working and couldn't take his call. I texted him a few times this afternoon and he said he was still having issues even though it was the last day and that he was popping Xanax to make it through. He continued to bemoan the fact that he had agreed to go diving with his friends this weekend and he totally didn't feel up for it now. I recommended to do what HE needed to do for his health.

This evening, he called and chatted for a bit. Told me about the day and the problems he had with coworkers. Brought up not wanting to go on the dive trip again but felt bad since his friends had made their flight arrangments counting on the fact that they'd go diving together afterwards. Since I was planning on renting a car to drive down there, I told him he might consider just offering to rent a car for his friends so they can go diving on their own. That way they can still go but he doesn't have to. He said he'll think about it. He said he always plans and then always regrets planning it. I asked if he regrets going after he's gone and he said yes. So I said it sounded like maybe he ought to bail, even though that WOULD suck for his friends. We'll see what happens. He told me he'd call me later this evening and prolly talk to D. I said great but didn't really believe him. Since it's nearly midnight, I think I was right.

So he still sounds pretty crappy. I've kind of taken a large step back in my interactions with him. I've stopped talking about myself at all and he's been so busy he hasn't really asked much. The few questions he DID ask me, he asked me numerous times (MLC amnesia still present). For example, I had a horrible snafu this morning getting D to school. He has no idea and I won't bring it up for now. He's not mentally ready to deal with his issues and listen to MY problems. I am DYING to know how his interactions with x-OW went. But I will have to wait for the right time to ask (or wait for him to tell me). They seemed to be completely ignoring each other while I was there and I have no doubt that wasn't/couldn't be the case the whole time.

But I see some positives as well. I think his retracting from me, in a way, may have been his way of dealing with the fact that he'd have to be retracting from her at the conference. It was easier for him to do both and just retract in general. A coping mechanism of sorts. But since I've left the conference, he's been the one initiating contact with me. I haven't called him at all. He's called me numerous times. I tend to send him short "good morning" emails and he usually responds. I do it just to let him know I'm thinking about him without actually saying so. And I keep the email short and light hearted. Although I was looking forward to a weekend trip, I think I'd prefer if he'd bail on the trip with his friends. He has eaten about 1/2 a meal every other day and has slept for about 2 hours a day since getting there last week. He needs to recuperate. Where he would recuperate is still a question. He said he was "back home" shortly before the conference. I wonder if he still feels that way or if he will retreat to his place to recover. In a way, I would be OK if he did so. He kind of needs some peace and quiet.

[TAMF]

you sound pretty good - hows the headaches?

[Albuquerque]

So I got pretty mad today. It's been awhile. As you may know if you've been following my sitch, H has been planning this dive trip this weekend for months. Originally, D and I were going to dive with him and his friends. Unfortunately, since she freaked out at her dive certification, she didn't get certified and can't dive. I had planned to just go with D and we could see the sights and they could dive and we could hang out together in the evening.

Despite my repeated request (over the last month) for some clarification into the dates, times we'd be leaving, etc, I got none. He'd tell me he needed to "talk to the guys" and figure it out. Yesterday, he still seemed like he'd bail on the whole thing. So I was surprised today to see him announcing on FB that he would be in the keys this weekend. I texted him and asked if he'd decided the plan. He told me not completely but he'd call me shortly.

Several hours later, he texted me to ask what my plan was with D. I told him I didn't know since I didn't know what the plan WAS. Didn't even know where we were going or anything. Several minutes later, he texted me to say that this won't be a very family fun type dive trip. I didn't respond. Then he texted me and said that he needed to just do this and then we could go scalloping. I had no idea what THAT meant and still didn't respond. Then he texted me and said that he didn't want to bail on his friends so he needed to go. At that point, I texted back and told him I had no idea what he was trying to say. He apologized and blamed rum. He texted me a bit later and said that he wanted to dive WITH me and drink WITH me and that neither would be possible with D around. I said that I could have fun with D and drink in the evenings but it was up to him. I told him I WAS going somewhere this weekend, I just needed to know if D and I would be with him. After a pause, he texted back, that he would call me later but the immediate point would be for me to plan on doing something else.

I was pissed. Partly at him and partly at myself. This, unfortunately, is not unusual. He has quite often cancelled plans at the last minute. And I was looking forward to spending time having fun. I was mad because once again, he has chosen to spend his preciously rare free time with his friends (opting to NOT bail on them) while simultaneously choosing not to spend that time with D or me and bailing on us. Fortunately, I hadn't really told D the plan so she won't be disappointed. Learned THAT MLC lesson long ago. But I was also mad with myself because I let myself get into this situation. My entire weekend plans were hinged on H. I shed a few tears, then collected myself and decided that my weekend would NOT be ruined. I would not settle for an "also ran" weekend just because H made the decisions he made.

So unlike anything I've ever done before, I booked D and myself a weekend trip to Vegas. H tried to call me and I didnt answer. Didn't feel like talking. He texted me and asked me to let him know if I didn't feel like talking so that he'd stop bugging me. I didn't respond. I waited until I had figured out all the specifics on my trip. Then texted him that I was sorry I missed his call. He said that he was just concerned. I then told him D and I would be going to Vegas. He seemed shocked (as shocked as you can seem via text). He was at an end-of-the-conference staff appreciation dinner, though, so he didn't text much.

I haven't told D. I just told her that we'd be taking a weekend trip. She seemed shocked. Didn't even tell her we're flying. It was a financial burden to book the trip even though I got a kick butt last minute deal. But I haven't had a VACATION in forever and I was looking forward to one and I will damn well have one. Now, it won't be as much fun with a 14 year old as it would've been with grown ups, but we'll still have fun. I love Vegas!

[irishblessings]

Good for you Alb!!! Turn away from him for now and into you and your D. From this perspective - you are spending TOO much energy focused on him and his actions. Enjoy EVERY moment with you and your daughter!