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Jstar, you are right, he isn't the person I knew, he is someone else, the boys call him the "new dad". They have a point.

Fallgirl, I have no choice about the holiday, I need to leave them to it and see let his life play out, it still hurts tremendously that my ILs are so willing to welcome his mistress into their home when divorce papers aren't even filed yet. Though they aren't ones to have backbones.

We move in 11 days. The boys and I are all in a funk, I'm working on splitting all the goods and trying my best to be strong for the boys. They are feeling it, leaving their friends behind. I'm going to miss my house, but I do know, it is only a house, one I picked out and love, but this is a new adventure for me. Nights without activites are the worst and with it getting dark so early, I feel even more isolated. I did get the boys and I ski passes for the winter, so we can be active. I'm hoping once we get settled I can't start to build my new life, get some stability and routines going. Hopefully the boys will feel settled, too, and we can start healing.

Dagny


Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11
DB #1 4/2002-8/2003
Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out
Living with OW
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Dagny,

I am so sorry to hear you have this going on. What kind of help would you like to have most....what are your goals?


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Originally Posted By: KellBell0820
You can do it Dagny! I kind of feel that I'm in the same boat as you. I just don't care anymore, I don't care if H is lying, I don't care if he thinks he should be around our daughter . . . I just don't care, I'm not trying for this anymore. I know what would be best for our daughter and me, but I can't make him make the decisions to do what's best (if I could, I'd still have my family). All of those are valid fears, I definitely feel them, but I also try to keep the reality of everything in view. I love these boards because you do get so much advice from so many different view points.

I also think so.

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I need to regain my life, that is ultimately my goal. I need to help the boys through this process. S14 has made some very strong connections here, he has a closer circle of friends here than he did at home. He is very angry, he says he hates his father, and I know that isn’t healthy for him. I’m having a going away party for him and his soccer team as a sense of closure (C’s idea) and a small party for S11’s friends as well. I’m trying to keep them busy, but their pain breaks my heart.

I am failing at GAL. I’m doing nothing differently, though in my defense, I am trying to wrap up everything in TN and get everything sorted out in PA and take a vacation between the two moves. So I’m not a complete couch potato, but I’m only doing what needs to be done to switch schools/lives, I’m not doing anything for me. This feels like a huge limbo land.

My interactions with H lately have been very factual. Telling him everything I’m doing for the boys, but then I wonder, do I really need to tell him? I’m letting him know flight schedules and hotel reservations for our vacation, on the assumption that they are his kids and he should know where they are, but I’m starting to rethink that and I’m just being too nice. I’m doing everything for the kids (no help from H), but in reality pre-separation I did 95% of everything.

The boys last night were asking what the grandparents think of H’s actions. I told them mine were furious but I couldn’t speak for the ILs. They said that they should be really upset and they would be disappointed if they weren’t. They don’t yet know that H is taking OW to his parent’s house for Thanksgiving. My C says I’m protecting H by not telling the kids. I think he should tell the kids, not me.

Another thing getting under my skin, is the few times I do have a conversation with H he keeps talking in “we” terms. Well, up until 3 months ago for the last 24 years, the we has been H and I, now it is H and OW. Just hearing how easily I’ve been replaced is hurtful. I feel like a basket case!

Dagny


Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11
DB #1 4/2002-8/2003
Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out
Living with OW
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Well,

You are a basket case. : ) In so much that your life has been turned upside down and your dealing with the consequences of it.
We were all and some still are basket cases. So, you're in good company.

You already know your failing at GALing, if you think or know you can be doing better...then do it.

An intenerary for the kids is fine, you could email that to him, if you have his email.

Your boys are 13 and 11, and you are their mom, they are fiercely protective of you, you confiding in them about your husband is going to make them them hate him. You don't use your children for support in this, you are supposed to be their support, or rock. Some things you just don't talk about with kids. Is your husband a cheating a$$? Yeah...but you don't say that in front of them.

It is hard to upbeat in front of the kids, but vital. They are going to want to protect you and empathize, and you need them to be kids.

Be as whole as you can be with them.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I feel for you as well, similiar sitch but no PA or EA. Holidays are going to be tough as this will be my S only second tday and christmas. One of which i will not be there. She stays with her parents so she has such a huge support group. I really hate it for anyone with children. IMHO, i really think everyone no matter what the sitch, should be adults and participate as adults in any matter that the children are involved. Best thing i can say is to GAL and drop the rope. Lately it seems my WAW is getting angrier since she calls the house in the evenings and i am not home, and her first question is "where are you at" Then everything i say no matter what, she accuses me of being nasty......

Take each day by day......


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Thanks Jack & Ruikee,

Basket cases unite? I need to drop the rope, I know I do, I think I have given him enough information for vacation, he has our flights, most of our hotel night stays, and he has all our cell numbers, I can drop the rope and stop communicating for a bit. If he wants to know something, he can ask me.

Well, I know I can do better, that is for sure! Better for me, that is. With the kids, I think I am doing the “right” things. He is a cheating a$$, as you say, but the kids found out not through me, but because he drove 12 hours from here with OW and was seen by someone and the news got around and the boys learned it from old middle school class mates. I’m attending divorce care (tonight is the surviving the holiday session, they are having them around the country, the website is www.divorcecare.com if you are interested), and one session was about children – a few things that stuck out to me was to not ask the kids questions about what your spouse said (inquisitor) and to just stick to the facts when speaking (no emotion). I think I’ve been pretty good about this and I don’t speak bad about their father, except to say what he is doing is wrong. My desire was to protect them from knowing about the OW, let them get used to the idea of separation before springing the idea of a girlfriend. But last time I was traveling for business H even asked if the boys wanted to go to a bonfire and 4-wheeling with his girlfriend (this is after the boys told H –via text—that they never wanted to see her again).

When S says he hates his dad, I try and tell him that he is still his father and he loves them very much, but now S just starts saying the lecture and saying I still hate him. I’m thinking I should just let S vent right now, we have a C appointment in December and I’ll let her talk to the boys about that, I just feel for their long time well-being, hating their father isn’t good. But being in a position of sticking up for him is a killer some days!

Dagny


Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11
DB #1 4/2002-8/2003
Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out
Living with OW
Joined: Jan 2006
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Dag,

Be careful posting links to other sites here.

Quote:

I don’t speak bad about their father, except to say what he is doing is wrong.


ehhh...you sure that's not speaking bad?

Seems like your doing a good job with them. Let them vent and comfort them without adding to their baggage.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: Dagny-2

Well, I know I can do better, that is for sure! Better for me, that is. With the kids, I think I am doing the “right” things. He is a cheating a$$, as you say, but the kids found out not through me, but because he drove 12 hours from here with OW and was seen by someone and the news got around and the boys learned it from old middle school class mates.


That "but" I highlighted.......

Does not make an excuse to not do better for them.

However they found out, they need you , to learn compassion, and how to act through adversity.

They can learn Anger anywhere...

Please remember that it isn't your job to nourish a relationship between them...

It is to not interfere with it.

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I've been thinking a lot about Mach's post about my job isn't to nourish a relationship between the boys and their father, but to not interfere with it. H still asks me a lot about how to handle the boys and I feel I need to prompt him to spend time with them, but I guess I need to back off. I often ask when he is going to come see them, it is time for him to figure it out. I just fear that because S14 is so angry at him, H is going to take the easy way out and not pursue a R with his son. That is part of what kept me in TN these last few months and not moving back to PA.

Jack, I struggle with not condoing their father's actions (letting the boys know it is wrong, I want them to have a sense of right and wrong) and not badmouthing him. It seems like such a fine line to walk, I try and stress to them that their father loves them very much, as you are right, they do see my pain sometimes and try and protect me. Yesterday I was in a serious funk, feeling sorry for myself because we are moving and leaving an area I have come to love, so I made them get in the car and we had a day of fun in Nashville. Bitter sweet, but at least some sweet in it.

H came over today in a really foul mood, asking me why I am moving if I like it here. I told him we can't maintain 3 homes and this is what he wanted, he snapped at me that I'm the adult, I can make my own decisions. I don't get it, yes I am very sad to leave, but I do need to support myself and my job is in PA. I think he is projecting his anger onto me, but I would like to get in a place where I'm not concerned about his anger. Honestly, not quite there yet. I liked Jamesjohn's post on LRT. I think I should read that every morning.

Dagny


Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11
DB #1 4/2002-8/2003
Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out
Living with OW
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