Here is the epiphany I had today and It may help tank with his conundrum. I love her because she is the mother of my children and we spent many years together and went through a lot. She took care of me when I was sick and saved my life. What I realized today is that I also resent her. I do because I do not think I did anything that would justify infidelity. I do because she lied to me repeatedly and has not come clean yet. I am not showing it because I want to save the marriage and if I keep pressuring her I would be acting like the old me. I don't want her to panic, but she needs to understand that I do not want her to stay with me because she has no other place to go. I do not want to sabotage my chances for reconciliation but I need to know where I stand. She agreed to go to counseling together and we are doing so on Dec 1. I think she is softening out of guilt for what she is done but like you guys mentioned before, that is pity, not love and she is not showing me any respect. Like Sandi2 said, I need to take my pants back. It is not easy to do that without starting a war that will affect the children. So tomorrow when she gets home we will talk. I will take my Zoloft so that I do not get emotional and I will ask her this:
What do you want to happen?
Do you still want a divorce?
If so, when do you think that will happen?
If not, why don't you want a divorce anymore?
If it is because of fear of losing health coverage, do you want to file for legal separation then?
If yes, lets get the ball rolling because I do not want to have any other financial ties to you and I do not want to support your new "lifestyle" because IMO is not good for me, for the children, for the family and in the long run not even for you.
Please understand that I still love you but I can not allow you to behave in a disrespectful manner towards me because that does not help my cause and it affects the children negatively. If you want me to be your friend for the sake of the kids, you still need to respect your friend.
Would you like to know what I need from you so that I feel respected?
Yes? Ok. First you need to tell me the truth and nothing but from now on. You need to explain to me what happened because I think I deserve a full explanation. You do not need to fear my response. I know you are sorry, but I need to know what you are sorry for.
If you do not want a legal separation, then what do you want?
You don't know? You are confused? You need time?
Ok, I give you time. But in the interim, what are we?
Should I see you as my enemy? my friend? my frienemy?
If we are not friends, the kids will suffer, but if we are not open and truthful, we can't be friends.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
First of all you shouldn't be initiating R discussions. Period. Second, just look at the list of questions you created to ask her. You are giving her all the decision making power. Don't reason with her. Figure out what you want and do it.
What part of taking back your balls don't you understand?
What do I want? I want her back. I want to make her fall in love with me again. I want her to believe that I can change and have changed. I want my children to have a stable home with parents that love each other and put them first. I want the opportunity to grow together and make up for lost years. I want to work on our problems and get closer as a result of all this.
I got some answers yesterday.
She still wants a divorce, but she does not know when she will be ready for it.
Emotionally she is still in love with OM but she said that she will end it because is not good for anyone involved.
She is still trying to understand why I behaved the way I did before she dropped the bomb. That is her only motivation to go to couples therapy.
She is afraid that I am mentally unstable and does not know what to expect from me from one day to the next. I do cry a lot and have a hard time handling my emotions. I was diagnosed with severe depression and I am taking Zoloft. I also take medication for ADHD and was previously diagnosed with OCD, but I am not taking medication for that. I did tell her that no matter what I say, I will not kick her out of the house because I know she has no means of survival. I am not leaving because I want to be close to my children and she does not want me to leave. As far as GAL. I have started to exercise in the mornings (6 am to 7 am swimming) but I feel bad about it because I do not see my kids in the morning now. She wants me to GAL. She is GAL herself. At this point I think I should push for separation and if she wants someone to take her of her that is not me, she should give the OM a try and see how that works out for her.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
First of all it will get better and you will be fine. You have to be for your kids. Emotions follow thought, so think of the future and positive thoughts. No war. No more pursuing, and relationship talk. Let her go. Sure do 180's. You have found out some of the things that DO NOT work. Keep finding what does work. EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here. be strong and positive.
How much of the OCD bothers your W? I'm wondering how big a part that has been over the years? Have you ever been in therapy for it?
You say you want to let her go,but you don't really. That's understandable. But here's the thing....you are scared to death and that is what she's seeing.
A WAW in an A needs a strong man. It is very important that she is not able to "use" him. If he buckles down under her dictation.....it won't work. If she sees any signs that makes you appear to be weak, she'll tear you apart. I understand depression and crying. But, don't cry in front of her. Do not let your children see you crying. That will cause them to be insecure and cause her to .....well, feel disgusted.
I said that on a post once and the LBH thought I was being rather hard, but I KNOW
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh flip! I accidently hit the submit button. Here's the rest of what I was trying to say:
KNOW what a WAW feels and I'm trying to paint you a picture of what not to do. She does not feel things like she once did. She will not feel sorry for you. The main thing she must feel right now.....is respect for you as a man. Forget about wanting to know if she loves you! She can't love you right now b/c she has no respect for you. A woman has to respect a man before she can feel love and sexual attraction. I'm telling you like it is and you better hear what I'm saying or she'll be gone. She's already left you--emotionally, sexually, every way but physical. She's closed her heart and the only thing that will cause it to open is respect.
A woman needs to have a strong leader for her family. How do you be a strong leader for your W...and for your children? What kind of man do you want your D to M some day? These are things to think about and to act upon.
Do not ask her any of those questions you listed. Stop it! Stop bringing up R talks. Your job is to show a side of yourself that spells self-confidence and keeping a PMA. You need to GAL so you will be more interesting....not b/c she says so. Stop asking her how she feels about things. If she decides to talk about the R, then you just listen. You do not argue with her! If you don't agree with what she says, then tell her you're sorry she feels that way. Keep it simple.
The WAW in an A will turn the tables and make the LBH think she's afraid of him, or that he's the one who left her a long time ago, or everything is his fault. Do you know the truth? Do you really, or have you allowed her to dictate to you what you're suppose to believe?
Stop telling her that you won't have her to leave. Don't tell her thatyou won't leave. Don't tell her that you'll pay her child support!
Listen, the only way most WAW's get their eyes open is to actually start suffering something due to their unfaithfulness. All you're doing is promising her that you will continue to provide for her. The best thing for you is just keep your mouth closed for a while. If she asks questions then tell her you'll have to check with your lawyer. If you don't want to say that, then tell her you will have to give it some thought.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
