Kids had another game last night. Both did well, again. I sat with my family and enjoyed the game.
Afterwards, we bought the kids a snack and W went to help clean up the gym. I was watching D7 and S4 while they ran around and played. Twins were changing clothes and talking to friends. It was getting late and W said to go ahead and take the kids home. I drive an old '93 Chevy Cavalier to work. It runs good but is really a piece of junk and that's okay because only I drive it and it only gets driven to work. W has a van and I have an extended cab truck, also. I came to the game straight from work so I had my junky old car. Oh, and it's a stick shift. So W and the super are cleaning up and I tell her I will be glad to take the kids home, can she drive the car? That set her off, she waved her had at me and started to march off, all pissy, and said she would take care of it. I started to say there wasn't enough room and she grunted and kept walking.
I did load the kids up in my little car and took them home. I got them showered and ready for bed. W got home about a half hour later. We watched TV for a while and got the kids in bed. I went out to my shed to mess around and drink a beer. I went back in the house when I figured the kids were asleep. W was watching TV in the recliner. I told her calmly, "You know, T1 had a full order of nachos and a soda, T2 had a big bag of popcorn and a soda, and the other two had snack and sodas, too. You know how much room there is in my little car. When I said I would take the kids home in the van if you would drive the car, you threw your little fit. I tried to explain why to you and you blew me off with a 'whatever' and a wave of you hand. I don't care if you like me, I'm past that. I do deserve to be treated at least as well as you would treat a stranger. I did nothing to deserve that and it won't happen again. I think it would be best if you started sleeping on the couch again starting tonight. You really need to find a place to go since you don't want to be here, you have had plenty of time. Good-night."
Don't know if that was good or not. I had to kind of talk myself into it and to remember to stay calm. I thought of Coach and others about how to say things. This morning was about the usual, she didn't really speak to me much but she wasn't really pissy either. I should have been standing up for myself all along. Why is that so hard to understand? It sure as hell shouldn't be.
Don't know if that was good or not. I had to kind of talk myself into it and to remember to stay calm. I thought of Coach and others about how to say things. This morning was about the usual, she didn't really speak to me much but she wasn't really pissy either.
I think that was a great little speech IDU and I think you are EXACTLY right. I'm glad you could remain calm, that is somehting that I have struggled with. Your W has had more than enough time to find a place to go if that is what she truly wants. There can be a million excuses, but at some point, it is time for life to progress and for everyone to move on.
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
I should have been standing up for myself all along. Why is that so hard to understand? It sure as hell shouldn't be.
It is hard because you are afraid of making her mad and risking loosing your W and your M. I know, I was there too. It is very hard to take that chance. For me, she had to file for D before I woke up.
Keep up the great work IDU. You are excelling at this now. It is YOU time now baby! Do what you want for yourself.
I know what you mean about staying calm. When she started in with her attitude after the game, my first thought was to go off on her and tell her what an a$$ she was being. I was really pissed. But, if I have learned anything, it is that doing that doesn't help me at all. It helps reinforce to her that I am the way I am and it will never be any different. It has a much better effect on both of us to call her out in a calm fashion. It keeps my blood pressure down and by walking away and not letting her berate me or get baited into an argument, I can remain calm and let her stew all she wants.
I'm not excelling, but I am still learning and, I guess, fine tuning things.
Had a pretty good weekend. On my way home Fri. night, friend called and asked me to stop for a beer on the way home. His sister and BIL just bought a bar, which I had helped fix up a little bit, and it was their first weekend being open to the public. I txtd W and told her I was going out after work. Got home @ 11:00. Sat. is the big Mardi Gras in the town I went to High School at. It's about a half hour away. We always go to a friends house, watch the parade and go to the K.C. Hall for the costume party/dance. More people come home this time of year than at Christmas. It's a pretty big deal.
Sat. morning, W was going grocery shopping. She asked if I needed to take anything to "Sally's" house. I said I already had stuff to take, thanks. I left around 5:30 and saw a bunch of old friends, got invited to several things coming up and had a great time.
Sun morning we got the kids ready for church. Kids said they went to the school board V.P. house for their daughters b'day party. I didn't know anything about this. NBD. Then the kids started telling me who all was there and, of course, the super was included. As hard as I tried to not let it affect me, I'm sure it did. I asked her what she had planned for the day so I could make plans with the kids for tric-or-treating if she didn't have any. Why, she asked and I just said so I know what's going on.
When W got home from taking kids to PSR class, I was getting S4 ready for church. She came in and said, "You don't let me know anything you are doing. You didn't tell me you were going out Fri. or Sat. I just forgot about this b'day party until the mom called and asked if we were coming. I sat around and talked to such and suchs W and played with the kids." She went on and on about me going out Fri and Sat and she didn't know where I was and who I was with. Then she brought up the b'ball game the other night when she told me to bring the kids home and how I tried to punish her by asking her to sleep on the couch. I kind of laughed and said how is that punishment, you decided to sleep out there for about 6mos. I was just giving you what you wanted so you didn't feel obligated to sleep next to me in our bed. I got sucked in a little bit and finally stopped. I asked her if she had found a place to live, yet. She said no, she wasn't leaving. I told her I knew she went to her L and if she had filed. She said no, I was the only one who had hired a L and she couldn't file with mine. WTF? I said I'm tired of having this conversation, if she want to save money, she needs to make a list of the things she want. I have my list and we can go over them and take them to each of our L and do it that way. If not, she needs to file and move out. I got up and walked away ( a few minutes too late, I'm sure) and she said fine, she would file.
We went to church and she turned nice and talked about the kids and what silly things they did at the b'day party and how much fun trick-or-treating was going to be. Blah, blah. I was happy and talkative. She was okay most of the day but slowly turned into her normal self.
We got home and got the kids ready for bed and she went to bed without a word. More of the same this morning. I helped get the kids ready and laughed and joked with them and had a good time. Told the older ones 'bye and took S4 to pre-school.
So, I guess I have to ask is her behavior normal? Why is she getting mad at me? Is it a good thing? What can I do different or better? Sorry for the redundant questions but I'm still learning as I go and want to do things right.
There's nothing normal about any of WAs's behavior. I't probably best to not analyze behavior too much because it will drive you nuts and throw you off. You need to be consistant. You're doing a great job of letting her see that you will stand up for yourself and deserve respect. Not only this but she has to see the consequences of her decisions.
Basically, she can stay and work on the M, but if she doesnt want to be there with the family than why should she stay and make everyone miserable? At some point she needs to fight for the M with you or move on.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
I've been here long enough. I still get caught up in trying to figure out her behavior and why she does the things she does.
I don't know why I ask some of the things I do. I can only imagine what some of the vets would say. I think I'm doing the right things, now. I should have done them months ago. Is it too late? Did I wait too long? My big thing is she will not leave. I know I should go ahead and file, but I want that on her conscience.
Like I read on another thread, when the kids ask, I want them to ask why mom did this or that. Why she left, why she did this and that. I want to be able to tell them I didn't leave them or desert them. I know that's probably not the correct way to handle it, but that's where I'm at.
(((IDU))) You are doing the tough stuff and I'm glad for you.
Please stop being hard on yourself for not changing faster. Remember there were reasons for what you did in the past, and there are reasons for learning new skills and applying them now.
It's important to understand the process of change. From wikipedia:
Four stages of competence
1. Unconscious Incompetence [this was your stage of asserting yourself during the M]
The individual neither understands nor knows how to do something, nor recognizes the deficit, nor has a desire to address it.
2. Conscious Incompetence [this was you in the early stage of DBing, realizing that you needed to become more assertive but not being able to act yet]
Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, he or she does recognize the deficit, without yet addressing it.
3. Conscious Competence [IDU in the present]
The individual understands or knows how to do something. However, demonstrating the skill or knowledge requires a great deal of consciousness or concentration.
4. Unconscious Competence [IDU in the future :)]
The individual has had so much practice with a skill that it becomes "second nature" and can be performed easily (often without concentrating too deeply). He or she may or may not be able to teach it to others, depending upon how and when it was learned.
So give yourself a break and appreciate your own process. You are doing really well
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks, again, for taking the time to help me out. Things are really feeling wrong lately so I must be doing a little something right.
Your post makes a lot of sense. It breaks down the process which I have been going through. I know it's a good and neccessary thing for my own well being. #3 is dead on! I really have to concentrate when my W pushes my buttons. I will often times start to get sucked in only to have to backtrack, calm down and regain my composure. I strive to reach stage 4 while there is still a chance for my family. I do understand that this is for me . I still want to have a new, improved M. Trying to keep in mind the Stockdale Paradox, though. Obviously having trouble but getting better.
Thanks, again. It helps put my learning process in perspective.
Boys had another game last night. It was against my old school. I knew a lot of people in the stands, all of their coaches are guys I went to school with. Talked with a lot of them between games and at half time. The kids played good but we got killed. It wasn't pretty.
Got a txt from the school board pres. before the game asking if I wanted to meet him afterwards for a beer. I told him I would.
After the first game, with the younger kids-ours included- W said, "Why don't you take the little ones home? It's getting late and our kids won't play in the next game." I told her I would like to stay and watch with the boys and maybe help them learn a little. She said the same thing at half-time. I told her the same thing, again, and said she could take them if she wanted to and I would stay there with the boys. Of course, she stayed for the whole thing, too. After the game, she brought the kids to me to take home and I said that I had plans and she would have to take them home. She asked where I was going and I just told her with some people there that I knew. I kissed the kids and told them all 'bye and left. Yeah, she was pissed!
Talked with the SB Pres. for a while and had a few beers and played some pool. Nothing really new from him. He says they are being more careful now that they know people are watching and talking. I told him it didn't matter, they still talk and text often and nothing has changed. He asked if she had talked about divorce lately. I said that I told her she needed to file if she wanted one or to stop talking to the super. Like I said, nothing really new.
Got up this morning while she was in the shower and got the kids up and made breakfast. I was trying to get D7 out of bed and W came in and said, "I think we'll have to carry her into the kitchen." She was all smiles and laughing. So we picked her up and carried her in and laughed the whole time. The kids and I ate while W packed lunches. I helped get every one's teeth brushed and got them dressed. It was time to go and I told S4 to go give mom a kiss and told the other kids 'bye. As we walked out the door, she told me goodbye for the first time in forever. NBD. I said it back and took S to pre-school.
That being said, I still catch myself looking for her reaction to me. When she was all happy and told me 'bye, I started hoping. It was automatic. I know better. If it means anything for us reconciling or not, I know standing up for myself, GAL and all the tools we learn here are good no matter what. She slept on the couch, again. I slept great in the king size Sleep Number Bed all alone!