Once a person is obsessed or addicted to a particular behavior, s/he won't make the decision to change unless they have suffered some losses. They need to realize that their behavior is causing serious problems for them.
Only then will they be willing to look inward.
Not trying to speak for Frank, but trying to understand what he's saying. I think he is showing what MWD is saying in her book, but thinks maybe some of us come on too strong. I'm guessing that is the misinformation he referred to, IDK.
To me, she is saying the same thing as we are....just using different words. We say boundary, she says ultimatum. We agree that if you set it.....you better be prepared to carry it out.
I do agree with the above statement from her book.
She saved that part near the end of her book, whereas some of use hit it up front with newcomers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I dunno, Sandi, from reading this forum since I joined, it seems to me that there are some misconceptions out there about what MWD teaches. She seems to advocate a firmer stance than a lot of folks think.
Oh cr@p! I need to stop for the night. Sorry Frank. I missed something. Sorry Starsky, thought you were replying to Frank. I need to hush aNd get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day on the life of the DB board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you are prepared to make an ultimatum and follow through with it (file for divorce, lock up finances, etc) then by all means do so... but not just because they refuse.
I would wait until they actually violate the ultimatum. If you for example tell your spouse to stop using the children's college fund to support a gambling habit.. and that you will lock finances up if they do so again..
Once they make that withdrawal then you follow thorugh...
If you are prepared to make an ultimatum and follow through with it (file for divorce, lock up finances, etc) then by all means do so... but not just because they refuse.
I would wait until they actually violate the ultimatum. If you for example tell your spouse to stop using the children's college fund to support a gambling habit.. and that you will lock finances up if they do so again..
Once they make that withdrawal then you follow thorugh...
It's all on pp 230 - 31 of the text...
This all consistent with other self-help programs (al-anon, codependence....) plus the other DB techniques. Act as if, 180s, detach, GAL etc. DB is unique just like all the other programs. Can't imagine any mental health professional not advocating healthy boundaries.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Oh cr@p! I need to stop for the night. Sorry Frank. I missed something. Sorry Starsky, thought you were replying to Frank. I need to hush aNd get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day on the life of the DB board.
It's all good.. just read my posts again.. I hope I made the point clear... maybe not...
I just find there's a lot of talk about working internally on one's self.
This is fine if there is no obsessiive or addictive behaviour happening your WS's part..
But if your spouse is engaged in heavy drinking, infidelity, depression, gambling... That according to the text needs directly addressed... "workign on you" won't help there...
If you are prepared to make an ultimatum and follow through with it (file for divorce, lock up finances, etc) then by all means do so... but not just because they refuse.
I would wait until they actually violate the ultimatum. If you for example tell your spouse to stop using the children's college fund to support a gambling habit.. and that you will lock finances up if they do so again..
Once they make that withdrawal then you follow thorugh...
It's all on pp 230 - 31 of the text...
This all consistent with other self-help programs (al-anon, codependence....) plus the other DB techniques. Act as if, 180s, detach, GAL etc. DB is unique just like all the other programs. Can't imagine any mental health professional not advocating healthy boundaries.
Even God has boundaries for bad behavior.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
