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#2093964 10/22/10 08:23 PM
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Hi piecers, not intending to start a new thread, just a questions I'd love some input on.

Overall H and I are still doing quite well. I'm just having a real tough time staying 'present', thinking, and calm enough to work towards a resolution when we're arguing. Arguing is such a new thing for us - not fun but it's a h&ll of a lot better than the withdrawing we did for years. But arguments - yeep. My brain goes *poof*; my insides become jelly, and I turn into the proverbial 'deer in the headlights' for a few moments ... and then run.

What can I say and/or think to myself when things get tense that will settle me down and keep me there with him, functioning and working towards a solution?


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Quote:
What can I say and/or think to myself when things get tense that will settle me down and keep me there with him, functioning and working towards a solution?


Mmmm... Jelly Donuts. Ahem... err... Sorry. What were you saying?

Sincerely,

Homer Simpson.


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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals

Mmmm... Jelly Donuts. Ahem... err... Sorry. What were you saying?

Sincerely,

Homer Simpson.

Lol! Yah but then I'll actually WANT a jelly donut. A few go-rounds like that and then I'll have a different kind of problem! smile


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Quote:
What can I say and/or think to myself when things get tense that will settle me down and keep me there with him, functioning and working towards a solution?


But seriously...

perform checklist:

1. Am I tired and cranky? Nope, then check. Yes, then... we should talk about this when we've both had enough rest.

2. Is anything more important happening? If the house is on fire, call the fire department instead.

3. Are we doing this in front of friends and family? If yes, find a room.


Supposing you pass the check list, then just remember how much it sucks down the road if you don't deal with thing. The pay me now or PAY me later principle.


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Rock, paper, scissors? Best 2 out of 3 gets their way. LOL

We did the withdrawing thing too. I grew up with parents that fought. A lot. That pushed me in the other direction and I'd silently seethe and withdraw.

H and I had an incident this weekend where I did something that annoyed him. I apologized but he was still annoyed. In the past I would have gotten mad at him for being mad at me after my first apology (over something that was really stupid) and we may have gone 3 days giving each other the silent treatment until one of us caved. And the kicker is that we'd often forget what the original issue was.

This time I kept on him and apologized again. Told him I didn't realize it bothered you and I didn't do it to piss you off and that I really was sorry. Then I just interacted with him like normal. No icy looks. No curt comments. Just acknowledged, apologized and dropped it. It really went against my instincts, but I know what we used to do was far more damaging to our R than anything else. And all over stupid stuff that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Was this a big issue fight or something smaller?


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Originally Posted By: Freckle6
Rock, paper, scissors? Best 2 out of 3 gets their way. LOL

smile lol!

Originally Posted By: Freckle6
That pushed me in the other direction and I'd silently seethe and withdraw.

Wow - me too! And your example is very similar to what happened here too... only in reverse!

Originally Posted By: Freckle6
Was this a big issue fight or something smaller?

This is going to sound weird, but yes and no! He snapped at me for asking about something that I thought was important we talk about. So the snapping itself... not such a big thing in the grand scheme...he was hungry & tired from work. We did briefly discuss it the next day, when everyone was fed and rested. But he still didn't want to talk about it and come to something we both could live with ... that's the big thing. So I fear he's going back to his old ways ... withholding; dismissing; stonewalling.

I don't know what to make of it. Don't want to overreact and make something out of nothing, but don't want to sweep it under the rug either. I feel wary.


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I think you need to tell him what the real issue is...not what you were arguing over, but it sounds like the real issue is snapping/witholding/dismissing/stonewalling.
Let him know those reactions trigger things in you, right or wrong, that's the way it is now.


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Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
I think you need to tell him what the real issue is...not what you were arguing over, but it sounds like the real issue is snapping/witholding/dismissing/stonewalling.
Let him know those reactions trigger things in you, right or wrong, that's the way it is now.

Hi GW, thanks for your insightful comment. Yah, you're right - it's probably the withholding itself, not, so much the specific 'thing' he's being withholding about.

I did tell him that when he withholds etc it makes me feel pushed out of his life; like he's only willing to share 'so much' of himself with me. He apologized, but he still wouldn't open up. Which to me seems no better than saying: 'Yes I feel badly for being withholding and dismissive... but don't think for a minute that I'm going to change it' Yeesh! What good does that do me!?


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I know the silent treatment stuff bothered my H as much as it did me, but we're both stubborn at times too. I guess I've decided that it takes two people to play that game so I'm going to do my best to break the cycle. It won't kill me to swallow my pride sometimes and take care of stuff in a better way, especially when it really doesn't matter at all in the big picture. Yeah, over the weekend I thought he was overreacting for getting upset--like really? You thought I knew I was annoying you so you think I was doing it on purpose more? Seriously--get a brain! laugh

Hmmmmm. I'd chalk up the crankiness to him being hungry and tired and forget about it in this case because you have a bigger thing you want resolved and it won't get resolved any better if you get stuck on him being a crab when you brought it up.

It's hard to say on generalities, but do you think there's an underlying reason he doesn't want to talk about the bigger issue? Is it something he feels is a reflection on him (like money issues he may feel that as the man he's not providing adequately)? Or is it something he doesn't think is an issue? Or maybe he just really hates disagreement and conflict and wants to avoid it?

I think maybe trying to broach the subject a few more different times might be best. Try to keep it compartmentalized for now--if he's not receptive to discussion when you try, don't hold it against him right then. And i guess just try to keep it in the front of your mind (so it comes across in your words and body language) that the goal of resolving this is so that you're both satisfied. I know disagreeing about anything triggers the whole flight or fight thing instinctively which makes you feel you're fighting against the spouse, rather than you and your S fighting the problem together to figure out a solution. This part is hard!


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Originally Posted By: Freckle6

Or maybe he just really hates disagreement and conflict and wants to avoid it?

Very much. We're both like that. When conflict arises he snaps, blames, dismisses or withdraws and I just run! After he snapped at me I apologized, then ran upstairs and hid in my office for the whole evening. crazy Not the most productive way to solve a disagreement!

Originally Posted By: Freckle6
I know disagreeing about anything triggers the whole flight or fight thing instinctively which makes you feel you're fighting against the spouse, rather than you and your S fighting the problem together to figure out a solution.

Oooh this is GENIUS ... I have never heard that before but that's EXACTLY the way I should be looking at this, isn't it? Freckle you're a gem... thanks so much for sharing all your insights! This gives me much inspiration!


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