Thanks Brandnewday. You might just change your name to Brandnewperspective!
No, I don`t think I`m angry or bitter. Just very sad. feeling low about a couple of things not connected with the M. And that`s probably affecting me with H too.
And no, I haven`t let him know my needs. I`m hell bend on showing me as strong and independent. So i guess I ve got to get the balance right between DB detachment and letting him see Im human too.
but, thank you. I will start being gently fortright about my needs when I get the chance.
Ok, just a couple of things to think about. I am behind you in my journey (same old same old) but the thought struck me that there are two different basic ways we kind on need to act during the MLC journey. In the first half of the journey, we need to duck and cover from the crazy stuff and find ourselves again. Now you had more crazy stuff for a longer period of time than quite a few people put together, and I think you did this first part very well.
But now with your H finally moving towards you, the game and rules have changed significantly. You do need to find another path, exactly what that is, well, it will probably be a trial and error thing. I get that at soon as you soften up your H cycles away from you, so you don't want to go too soft. But there has to be a middle path somewhere, that does offer a hopeful vision for both you and H. It is there somewhere Fallgirl.
You know this is not a straight forward journey. but you have put up with so much, and compared to 18 months ago, there has been so much positive progress in your sitch. Come on, I know how stubborn you are, pull it out....!
I do recall admiring just how quick you where to spot all the twists and turns of the crazy MLC(or whatever it is, really) dance. You have all the detachment of a scientist in this process, even when it pertains to you.
Smart lady! How are you doing?
And yes, you`re right. When I soften-he steps back.
I think that`s part of why I don`t let him see my needs-he seems to need to hit me when I show my vulnerability.
But Friday he ran to open the gate for me as I was leaving the house. So touching. Didn`t see him all Sat but he came over to the table to have breakfast with me this am. I chatted-maybe too much? I don`t know.
But he seems to be back in withdrawal mode again.
All I can do is keep my PMA. I`m really working on accepting what is. Seeing it as God`s will.
I can bypass anger but go to sadness and that isn`t being accepting of God`s will. So I`m really focussing when I can today and all that`s good right now.
Specifically, right now?-a bar of hazlenut choc and great coffee.
And hearing from you SR! Off to check if you`ve updated. Want to know how you, the kids, H, your job, new home and everything else is going in your life.
After the acceptance of the situation and the MLC stuff we too go through various stages ourselves, as you know.
I too went through a stage where I was also out to prove that I could handle it all by myself and there was no way in hell I was going to allow him to ruin anything anymore.
It didn't last long because it made me miserable and resentful and sad because this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. But I also knew it would be like beating a dead horse to try and get him motivated because of the depression he was in.
I read the Power of a Praying Wife daily to try and help me with my perspective. I also would gently coax him into family stuff by asking his opinion about things. I sought out his help and his advice to make him feel important.
I would ask him nicely to do things for me and when he did I would let him know how much I appreciated his help. Also when he flat out said "NO" I didn't push the issue or mope about or sulk. ( I did come here and vent...ALOT)!
Hang in there sweetie, the best is yet to come!
(((hugs)))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
For the last couple of years he has got in the habit of treating you like that when he feels stressed or doesn't know what to do. He is trying, through his love language, to change, with stuff like the holding the gate open, instead of trying to slam your fingers in it! You need to help him learn your language now as well.
How about just starting with how you would ideally like your home to be and talking to H about that? As in "H you know I have been thinking and my ideal home is a tranquil chilled out zone full of respect and good vibes. I really appreciate how much effort you have been putting into creating a good vibe over the last few months, washing your plates, taking the bin out so much more. What can I do to make our home more of a chilled out zone for you? Oh by the way, one other thing I would really appreciate is if you did xxxx"
Then the focus is on your home, rather than you or him? And it may break the Mexican standoff and help set a new path you can work out together?
I know gently is the way to go. And I`m ok with that-all that anger was way too exhausting on me anyhow!
I`m trying to get the balance right between not ignoring what he has said;he will move out (whether or not it`s before xmas) and knowing he finds change and decisions awfully difficult.
When talking to him now it`s all about the kids.Yes, gently and valuing his opinion etc. Whatever happens it will always be best to have that kind of communication about the kids anyway.
The Mexican standoff is more an Irish standoff SR! The legal system moves v e r y slowly here. I`ve applied for separation Feb and got affidavits back for me to revise again,last Oct. Will take at least til Feb for that to come to court.
But that was good as it give time for real change to happen here.
Am working on myself to be accepting of anything that comes my way. Not getting upset if I plan something and it doesn`t work out.That includes no expectations whatsoever from H.
Keeping busy but not to avoid him.
He`s still hanging way back though.
Just very much fawning over the kids and yet minimal words with me.
No aggro, thank God, but sigh! this road is so long and tortuous and lonely.
It`s been a really busy week work wise and with the kids. But I had a great evening yesterday and came home buzzing. Just got the feeling H didn`t like that and, as soon as I had a moment to myself, he came up to my room and said we had to talk.
I was about to prep some more stuff for work today so it wasn`t a good time for me. I told him that and he accepted it and went away.
Now I know he`ll be back about it-unless I bring it up of course. And I know it`s about him moving out.
Not about Xmas preparations or the dishwasher that needs replacing or about how the kids are doing in school. All about him.
Yes, I know I`ll listen, I`ll let him know I`m listening. I`ll stay calm no matter what he says. I`ll praise him where appropriate.
But I will make it very clear that leaving our home is his decision to make. That the offer for MC is on the table if he wants that.
No pleading, begging.
I`m just really puzzled that a guy who claims to have made so many changes over the last few months for me and the kids is now ready to abandon ship just when I begin to take a second look.
2 by 4s welcomed, a cure for my possible blindness very acceptable and any other suggestions and advice will be gratefully received.
