On the Brink of Something

[Fallgirl]

Gee, thanks for the speedy responses folks!

H is pushing me to make the decision-drawing me into chat re what I want in S.

I can really live like this in limbo for quite a while as there is less tension.

My solicitor is not-I think-going to push me to move to court just yet.

So I have time.

So, should I let him keep pushing?

I`m ok, the kids are ok. Ha! I could start a whole thread about the fun I am having! Really I`ve never been happier. H reminded me that I said that-love my job, the kids, have lots of friends, hobbies, am taking care of me.

And have begun to learn more about my own crap and how to deal with it.

Biggest change;finally getting the whole God business.

But, since I started the legal bit should I go for it-or just let him pursue it.

Let him tell the kids?

Let him decide when/if/how to move?

And tell him that I have decided to do that?

Cat,you`ve got mail. And no, for once, I`m not whining in it!

[punkin]

Fallgirl,

You've said it all above. LET HIM. Period. This is his deal. I wouldn't bother to tell him you've decided anything. Dance around the subject. Continue on your life with your kids as if nothing is going on, as best you can.

Come here to vent, to let off steam. Avoid the R talks right now with H.

Drop the ball. If he picks it up and runs with it, well, you go through the motions. If not, if he just stands there and stares at it, then you know where he's at. JMO

[Fallgirl]

Thanks, Punkin.

Woke up and prayed about this. Started a letter to H but decided against it.Phew!

Just continued as usual this am. Calm. Usual talk about kid/dog issues.

Really can see more hope for us.Have told H that.

But thanks, P,I won`t say anymore now. You`re right-he is putting the ball in my court and yes, I had been wondering if I should pick it up.

Ok, back to having fun and being happy.

[brandnewday]

Fallgirl,

What exactly is it that you want?

Not what would be best for you or your Husband or anyone else, what do you want?

I think you are over analyzing and making things far more complicated then they need to be.

[desert_rat]

If I thought my post would show up in a timely manner, I would try to contribute. Mods?

((((((((Fallgirl))))))))

[Fallgirl]

What do I want? Good question BND.

I let H go last Jan(filed for legal separation). Since then he made monumental strides to change-became very involved with the kids,helpful around the house, upbeat and happy around me.

It took me a long time-til Sept-to begin to trust those changes. I got a glimpse at a kind of life I would like for me-a supportive nurturing family environment where I wasn`t left trying to keep everything going.

I`d be happy with that.

As soon as I showed H that I was wavering on going ahead with the S, he went back into his shell.

Its like he needs my rejection to get him interested in me and being part of the family.

I don`t know if I over analyse. I`ll subject that observation to further analysis....

But I do panic. Not visibly to H-I was calm when he said he was thinking about moving out before Xmas.

But he said that last year too. Like he`s trying to upset me(and it certainly did then).The mediator(H had been pursuing separation at the time and insisted we go to mediation) and I persuaded him to change his mind.

I should have let him go.

I need to remind myself of that.

I need to let him go for ALL the reasons above.

He just wants me to make the decision("DO you want me to leave before or after Xmas?")

He is back to leaving all the work for me to do in the house. He is doing NOTHING.I have three kids,a full time job and a lot of running to do in the evening with the kids activities. Just through in the added worry of the kids having a bomb dropped on them in a couple of weeks. I don`t need this.

Xmas.... I dread it.

[Purple]

Hi FG,
somethign about your sitch resonates with me.

Do you love him?
Do you want to grow old with him?
Do you see yourself growing old with him?

I am struggling with moving on myself and feeling guilty for wanting to be alone.

I also, tend to over complicate and over analyse things so I'm interested to see what you come up with.

Cheers

[Fallgirl]

Quick answer Purple:
There are four possibilities with me and H and old age

Him sulking in a corner while I hobble around the place in a zimmerframe trying to do everything.

Him and I as roommates, effectively. Me getting on with my own thing, him still fighting with himself, his issues and me.

Him and I spending our retirement travelling abroad, visiting the grandchildren.

I waiver between all four scenarios, so yes, I`m confused myself.


Do I love him? I wonder what loving means.

Does it mean sticking by someone when you know they`re really suffering inside? Standing by your man, as it were, even though they`re trying to take you down too?


Don`t mind me. Just having a bad day in general!

And yes, I do over complicate and over analyze things too!

.

[brandnewday]

Fall Girl,

Oy ....How complicated all of this sounds.

As you have probably found out since learning about MLC you just can't worry about all the if's and scenarios that could be.

You need to take each day as it comes and don't borrow trouble.

Have you made your needs known to him? Have you shown him how much you appreciate the things he does do and made him "feel" appreciated?

MLC'ers need to have their egos stroked quite a bit, as they are depressed little fellows who thrive on beating themselves up for everything.

Can you just sit back and try to enjoy the Holiday season?

Try and involve him a bit more?

[Fallgirl]

BND,

Thanks for posting.

Unfortunately, we`re way past the point of my making my needs known to H.

He`s back in his shell again. Bitter and contemptous.

Deliberately leaving his plates unwashed, doors unlocked, bin not picked up, dog unfed. All those little chores he used to do, and the extra ones he took on over the last few months, suddenly gone again.

I just don`t let him see it affects me. I quietly go about doing it all. Let it slide for now.

As for enjoying the holiday season, my plan now is to ask him if he wants to pick up presents for the kids. If not, I`ll just go ahead and get it sorted myself asap so I don`t have that hanging over me.

Last year, I put decorations up early, to get us all into holiday mode early. Plan on doing the same again. Will have open house on xmas eve for the neighbours-the kids love that-with or without H.

Pulled myself out of my funk yesterday evening. Got photos developed, bought my Xmas outfit and visited neighbour`s with the kids.

Moving on. With or without.