Journalling: H returned from MILs last night. I sense the light he had last week has gone out. Like the window that was open briefly has snapped shut.
He came home at eight, went out anyhow, an hour later for an hour or so.
Home from `work`late tonight. I dropped S to football and almost as soon as I got back, H went again.
Being Disney Dad to the kids-all laughter and gifts and flattery.
The situation-teethering as we are on the brink of separation- honestly doesn`t bother me as much as it did because I`ve a lot going on. Got a work project completed today-one monkey off my back-and have some of my own family coming up tomorrow.
Started running recently and photography(yes, sometimes together!)Am also managing to read books outside the Mind Body Spirit genre too.
Am going to indulge in a little retail therapy for me this week-covetting a pair of black boots and cream fitted jumper to go with my jeans.
I just happened to come on here and read a bit after quite a long time and here you are! I was just thinking about you and wondering what was going on with you! Glad to see an update! It sounds like you have tough decisions to make. Wow, there is nothing easy about MLC, that's for sure.
I'll have to stop by more often to check in on you.:)
Just scrolled back on your posts to see an update. I take it you`re still hanging on in there?
Have to say wonka`s thoughts on Mlc--the final stages-are very very interesting. The perspective of an MLCer. Describes a lot of what was/is going on in H`s head.
And, as Wonka says, the key is to Let Go.
So that`s where I am. Teethering on the brink of legally letting go-filed for separation Feb but the wheels of justice grind real slow in these parts, which is probably just as well, as H is still here.
Well, sometimes physically here and rarely here in his head!
Meanwhile I`m looking at my part in the marriage breakdown.Just for me. Because I am moving forward and do NOT want this to be a pattern in my relationships.
Grrrr. So much for H wanting the legal separation to stop `because it isn`t good for the kids`
Very much back to his old MLC self tonight. Here but not here. Yawning constantly while in the family room. No effort at any housework. Minimal interaction wih the kids.
Then "I`m out" gone at 9pm.
I asked S where he was gone and his reply "He probably has another woman"
Tongue in cheek, I think....
But not like it hasn`t occured to me.
Resisting the urge to go through his stuff.
He turned my head for a couple of days but hey, I guess it`s back to going dark and reminding myself of my GAL goals.
Blew out my frustration last night over two phone calls from gfs. Phew! That was better.
And-a 180 for me- I was up when H eventually crept back home at 12 30 am. Didn`t meet up with him though he would have heard me moving around upstairs.
Met him this am in better form(me), not obviously avoiding him but light hearted and rushing off about my day`s business.
There`s lots of possibilities re his shutting down-affair/depression/giving up hope of reconciliation/hoping to see more change in me.
No point in second guessing him.
And I still can`t decide what to do re proceeding with separation or not.
So I`m leaving things stand for now.
Just doing stuff I like/need to do. Focusing on my goals and on the kids stuff.
Thanks Cat! Some of me wonders if I should have been more responsive to H in his R talk last week. I realise I fall into Fear and Defensiveness with him too quickly. Partially from family of origin stuff, partially from traumatic events in our own marriage.
Nowadays, I don`t get angry with him of course but I guess he can still see my defense mode in my body language and in how non committal I am. Oh, and in never admitting that I`m to blame for anything.
Sigh. I`ve a lot to learn.
Anyway, I haven`t brought it up. Don`t know if I should-just think I will if he initiates R talk again.
But, for now, he`s in withdrawal mode-physically absent or asleep when he`s here.
same as before-only this time, it doesn`t bother me.I`m very much doing my own thing.
Really would like to help more here on the boards as well but honestly I`m still wearing DB L plates 3 years on from bomb and 1 1/2 years after starting DB.
Brief update: H in crisis mode for at least three years. Wanted separation. I didn`t.He pulled out at the last minute(Jan). I sought legal separation in Feb. H started therapy then. Big changes.
I have only begun to be convinced by his changes this Sept. I am stalling on legal separation.
We are living together but separated. Things a lot less tense around the house. I can live with it for now. But he can no longer stick it.
Last night he asked me if I wanted him to move before or after Christmas! And where did I want him to move to.
I didn`t answer those questions but focussed on the improvements we were making in terms of our individual healing and on owning up to my part in things.
Stayed calm. Listened. REALLY listened.
I hear a man who is deeply confused. Hugely hurt by life. Struggling to get to grips with his feelings.
I did tell him that I was begining to feel better enough about us to consider MC. He scoffed at that. Said his T told him I don`t love him.
I told him his T is separated and that`s why she favours that option.
But I didn`t dwell on that.
I thanked him for helping me get happier.
He said he is full of fear of separation -re kids, money, change. But that his T said there are worse things going on in the world and that he has to be brave....
He said it is bad for the kids the way we are living now. But I know they will be shocked to hear of S talk again. But we both acknowledge that they can fall between two stools if we stay caught in crisis.
I am sorry for him. He is plainly hurting. I know I can`t heal that. He wants me to proceed with S because "you want it".
I feel like calling the legal part off to give us a chance to continue to heal.
I don`t know what to do now. Just know not to beg or plead. If he wants to go, let him. But it sounds like he wants me to make him go and I don`t feel like that`s the right thing to do now.He tried to draw me in with talk about finances, kids in separation but I deflected.
I am calm about it all. Just don`t like to string him along with this limbo and yet, I think we could have a chance to raise a Phoenix from the ashes of our marriage.
Of course `everyone `else -friends, family-would say I`m crazy to think that.
What she said^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. You are between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do, trust me, it will be wrong. We are driven by our need to nurture and protect. It's ingrained, and after we've done it so long for our husband as well as our children, well, it's so hard to let it go.
The legal part is scary, yes, but it isn't the end of the world. But again, let him do the legwork. If he wants it, go for it.
You have the hard part of taking care of the house, the kids, and, LO & BEHOLD: YOU. Make some time for yourself. Do things for you. To include the kids or not.
