Yes, that is true, but those things pre-dated the affair, bomb, separation, and divorce process. She is now representing that she wanted to "explore reconciliation" ("explore" -- I love that; commitment-phobic to the bitter end) just 6 months ago.
Perhaps I can clarify. I'll use some arbitrary dates for convenience.
January Year 1 -- STBX: I was thinking we might have to go to marriage counseling someday. SP: Why? STBX: I don't know. I just think we might. I like the idea of having someone listen to me. SP: It sounds to me like you want counseling. STBX: Never mind.
*end of discussion*
October Year 1 -- STBX starts A with Signore Schmuckatelli
December Year 1 -- STBX: You know if you don't do something about things, something might go away. SP: What does that mean? STBX: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
*end of discussion*
February Year 2 -- STBX: I want a divorce.
March Year 2 -- STBX agrees to go to marriage counseling, later reveals it was to trick SP into surrendering financial rights ("but don't you see how I tried to save the M?"); SP starts reading.
March-July Year 2 -- in-house separation; STBX continues A; STBX spends lots of time yelling at SP, slapping SP, spitting on SP, & etc.; SP DB's.
July Year 2 -- STBX moves out; starts Fling 1 while in A1 with Signore Schmuckatelli
September Year 2 -- STBX heartbroken over collapse of A1, compensates with Flings 2 and 3; suggests STBX and SP go to couples' counseling, but says "be clear, it's just to work on our co-parenting, there's no point in talking about anything else."
October Year 2 -- STBX heartbroken over collapse of Flings 1-3, goes to SP for comforting, gets upset that SP has met Miss Someone, goes to European City to start A2 with Signore il Secondo.
October-December Year 2 -- STBX announces "a little bit in love" with A2.
November Year 2 - March Year 3 -- STBX instructs Lawyer to run up SP's legal bills as much as possible, tells mutual acquaintance "that's why I hired a ball-busting attorney, because I'm going to bust SP's balls, that a**hole."
August Year 3 -- STBX: Words can not express how truly and deeply I hate you.
September Year 3 -- STBX: You know, back in October Year 2, while I was starting A2 and finishing Flings 1, 2, and 3, and after I had called you all those names and accused you of all those things and told everyone we know how much I hate you, I was really thinking there was a chance we could explore reconciliation. SP: That's funny, I don't recall that; did you actually say anything about that? STBX: No, I just assumed you would know. But what would that have taken? SP: Honesty and no more acting like a teenager. STBX: What??? Who do you think you are?? I would NEVER have agreed to that!
Now then, irrespective of what she did before October Year 1, warning me that "something" "might" "go away" if I didn't do "something" about that "something" at "some point," am I really supposed to believe that last month's (Sept 3) story bears any relationship to reality? Am I supposed to believe her or my experience of her?
The dead horse had been beaten so much it's glue.. and not even that sticky anymore.
There is no answer, no validation, nothing that 'fits'. They left and believe it's the right thing. And viewing the soon to be and/or former spouse as a screwball is a point of view taken by either opposing party. It just is.
Sometimes the thoughts whirl in my head and I have to let them go. It's a process, takes time.
As said above, the kids are the losers.. something precious is ripped from them and caring nurturing parents do what is necessary to help them, love them and provide a secure, stable home.. reassuring them that you're not going anywhere.. aren't leaving them.
Venting is a good thing. Working it out enough to let it go is good, too.
The marriage broke. It wasn't (couldn't be) fixed. It's over.
You've come a long long way. Habits that both of you have are hard to let go... blaming, zingers.. just being unsettled. And your situation is difficult. What she does is none of your business. But luckily you have documentation to refute her statements if it comes to a trial.
You will never have the answer she's looking for... period.
You do lots of stuff, Themselves have the most beautiful smiles and radiance and you seem like a really good guy. Keep staying on the road to health and leave the muck behind.
Face it.. she'll be just as mad talking to you as not conversing. Decide what works for you.
And while you're at it, consider auditioning for a show. If cast it truly is a unique experience.
@Gypsy, you eternal pounder-of-the-boards, you! If I had the time to be in a show, I'da be the most a'happy fella inna the whole Napa Valley (hah! see how I did that? a show-biz metaphor! ). The last time I was a player was in college, though arguably I play a role every time I get in front of an audience of 250 (often not-so-) eager undergraduates and pretend to know what I'm talking about.
You will never have the answer she's looking for... period.
That's absolutely right -- which is why the sparrow says it just don't signify. One reason, perhaps, is that I'm no longer playing the role she defined for me, and that irritates her no end.
But even that statement is predicated on the assumption that she knows what answer she's looking for from one moment to the next -- a tenuous assumption indeed.
Though folks don't quite believe it, I'm content to be divorced -- this creature that bears a vague (and increasingly vaguer-er) resemblance to my wife holds no appeal for me, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I haven't a clue who she is or any desire to find out; that does, in fact, bother me. I would have preferred something different. But that's what I got.
It's the getting divorced that's such a damnable pain in the a**, because it apparently requires a constant stream of petty cruelties, pointless barbs, turn-on-a-dime outbursts, and a never-ending series of stupid little lies.
I feel like saying, Okay, fine, I hear you say you hate me, have contempt for me, loathe me, etc. That's fine, that's your right, it's all good. But really, do you have to insult my intelligence? Can't you hate me but still acknowledge the skills?
It's something, friends, I tell you. I mean, we communicate about Themselves via this online service the court required, and it logs when each parent signs in and reads the postings -- you know, so there's a record of it.
T'other day, she missed a long-standing and rather important medical appointment for Themselves, though she claimed for weeks to have it "under control." The office called me, because apparently they'd been calling her and getting no reply, to verify the appointment the night before.
This seemed somewhat important to me, so I texted a reminder to her: Hi, FYI, Doc's office called here 2 confirm 2morro's appt; know u have it under control, but thot it best 2 pass msg on since they asked.
As you can guess, she missed the appointment. And, as you can guess, she predictably dealt with missing the appointment not by taking responsibility for missing the appointment, but by lashing at me on the online: "That text message totally interrupted my day! It was completely unnecessary! Post the info here! I check this website EVERY SINGLE DAY!"
I felt like saying, "Really? Because I see the log here of when you signed in, and there's a 3-day gap leading right up to the night before the appointment." But there I go again, believing my lying eyes instead of my impeccably forthright and always trustworthy STBX....
Not long ago she issued a breathtaking, hit-the-trifecta-in-the-Triple-Crown series of lies, one atop the other. And after a long silence brought on by utter astonishment, all I could say was, "You do realize, don't you, that I stopped filling that prescription for Stupid Pills?"
But so it goes. Miss Someone pointed out the other day that even STBX herself might not know she's doing this; apparently this isn't uncommon in MLC. I'm not sure which, at the end of the day, is scarier to consider -- the idea that she does it on purpose or the idea that she doesn't even know she's doing it.
All divorce is merely a show, dear @Gypsy, and we merely players in it, and it would appear I have been given the role of the Dane.
That's the pathological thing -- the appointment gets missed, and the the doctor's office turns to me to deal with it (because they know she won't). So her failures become items on my already jam-packed daily agenda. And since the Girl Child Herself has needed, since age 1, an annual visit to the pediatric cardiologist, and since an appointment with the guy is as hard to come by as a Coupe de Ville in a Crackerjack box, not putting it on my to-do list isn't an option.
As for being inside her head, for me it's mostly an intellectual exercise, no different than the work I do, trying to determine why policymakers chose X instead of Y. I don't need to understand, in the sense of coping with the changes -- I'm just curious how someone who once seemed so normal could become so comprehensively out-of-whack.
The whole gratitude list thing is way beyond my comfort zone. It's sort of like religion in that sense -- I find it vaguely embarrassing. For me. If it makes other people happy, that's outstanding. But the idea of sitting down to concoct a list -- indeed, the idea of needing to actually think about things that make me happy, when from my POV it should be pretty obvious -- would require a considerable leap of faith. Far broader a leap than even the Jesuit fathers were able to produce.
But with respect to the bigger question, the only way that I can see that would enable me to sever all contact with, and insulate myself against all effects from, STBX is to sign over 100% custody of Themselves and move away.
At the moment, however, as tempting as the "move away" part is -- there are some fine houses in Denmark -- the "sign over 100% custody" piece is a non-starter.
On the other hand, if the judge orders it, well... goddag Danmark!
Apples and oranges; I'm not trying to "fight emotions with logic." I'm not trying to fight at all. It's an interesting puzzle to me. She's a subject; file her under 302 in the old Dewey Decimal System. My interest in her is purely self-referential; I'm interested to the extent that she regularly makes herself a burr under my saddle.
Oddly enough, and this is something @pollyanna and co. have been discussing on her post-D relationship thread, STBX is most well-behaved in the days after I find myself having to slap her down, rhetorically speaking. My unwillingness to step into the old roles seems both to agitate and intrigue her.
(And that's a more broadly applicable lesson, insofar as it says something about this thing with women being attracted to men who seem distant and aloof. It certainly would seem to be in play in STBX's case - every Signore she gets is, by her own words, "either emotionally or geographically unavailable or both.")
But most of the time I hardly think of her as being human at all, other than in the most abstract sense of the term, except when she degenerates into one of her now near-weekly batsh*t-crazy-a-thons, and then I just think of her as being a really irritating human -- like one of those people who think they can browbeat the airline people at the gate into giving them a better seat.
But her feelings, hopes, dreams -- what about those? Call me Mr. Butler because frankly I don't give a dam -- that's for Signore Schmuckatelli n to worry about now.
Think of it as relationship archaeology. I have a few fragments of a past civilization, and I'm trying to figure out how they fit together. Doesn't mean I regret not living in Sumeria.
How has policy been effective in changing religious beliefs in the Middle East?
I wasn't aware that "changing religious beliefs" was an objective of American policy in the Middle East.
Oddy, though, policy has been very effective in changing religious beliefs in the Middle East -- though in an almost certainly unintended way. Apart from some inside-baseball discussions among intellectuals and the occasional imam hanging around coffee shops in Cairo and Damascus, there was almost no such thing as "Islamic fundamentalism" until the U.S. starting mucking about the place.
Hey @DanceQueen -- yeah, baby! I don't even think of myself as 50% victim. As far as I can tell, I've been made a student -- thanks to STBX I've learned a huge amount about myself, about relationships, about how people navigate the same.
To the extent that I'm a "victim" (in some loose sense of the term), it's by dint of being victimized by the asymmetry in our respective earning positions. I mean, she is trying to bankrupt me, after all. But in a way that's almost incidental to the D. That's just business.