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That is where I am at as well, but it doesn't seem to bother me much for very long. It is just bad when something big happens on top of other stuff.

H's L is also horrible and this could have been done at the beginning of the year, but he wouldn't do what H said. STBXW really needs to reel in her L and make him do what she wants. I think that is one part people in a D don't realize. Your L is not in charge, you are and if you let your L be in charge and he/she is bad...you end up paying a bunch.

Hope it all gets worked out so you don't have to go to court, but at least the end is in sight.


Me29 S3
H left 4/1/09
I file 8/2/10
Divorce final 5/17/11
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I messaged a lawyer friend of mine on Facebook -- she does family law now -- and she responded saying basically STBXW needs to go to court and tell the judge everything is settled and there's no need for a trial -- if that's what she feels. By not showing up, she has no idea what he's doing.

I forwarded the message in its entirety to STBXW.

I'm now using gmail to email STBXW and with the weekend here I really don't want to see any of her responses until Monday. I just want to enjoy my weekend.

Funny thing, I have my bankruptcy consultation on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to that. Once I got over the mental hump, I really want to get that going.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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I just can't control my emotions.

I have the girls today. STBXW comes over around 4 p.m. because she can't find a Nintendo DS game and the video store is charging her fines. We don't have the DS so she goes home. I can't control my emotions when she's over. I don't like having her here. I don't like being around her.

I checked my phone. She didn't call or text. She just popped by.

Go on to Gmail later -- I was avoiding it because I didn't really want to read STBXW's emails until Monday. But my sister sent me some so I had to hop on.

STBXW does not want a trial. Her lawyer is pushing for one. She wants to get this over with.

Then she talks about the house. She asks if I think it'll sell for $96,000. It was worth $132,000 three years ago.

I tell her she may need a more experienced Realtor and the short sale process takes several months.

I don't say that if she's intent on following this through to the end she should just walk away from it. Truthfully, faced with her situation that's what I'd do.

That's for her to figure out.

Back up to No Trial. That's great, right. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not. I'm relieved, but the 1 percenter in me keeps hoping something will change the direction even though I know I don't love the person she is now, I love the person I thought she was 15 years ago.

Knowing the truth and changing your feelings is two entirely different things.

I've always thought when it was over and we are divorced I might actually be OK around her. I'm starting to wonder if when the D is over and the door is closed if I'll just get worse.

Lately, I've been thinking about when D8 leaves for college. I can't wait until I only have to see her ... when the girls get married or have kids. I want her to be a page in a history book -- where I can hold on to the good memories and wipe away the bad ones.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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One day from bankruptcy consultation.

This morning, I sent my divorce attorney an email saying to type up everything as a final agreement ready for the court. I'm going to forward it to STBXW to see if she'll sign off on it. Everything has been agreed to and her attorney wants a trial to jack up his fees. If she signs off then maybe we can get this done without him.

It angers me that I even have to do this. For 15 years, I've always had to step in and finish things. I have a list miles long of things she said she'd take care of only to ask me to do them in the end. Then, when the marriage is over, she tells me I did all those things not out of love but to make her so dependent on me she couldn't leave me.

Now, she can't even finish divorcing me. I have to step in to save us both from a couple thousand more in court costs.

Funny thing, D12 on Sunday brings up Match.com again. She wants to help me "flirt." She tells me I've been out of the dating game for 13 years and things have changed and she can help me.

I tell her I'm fine. When the D is over, I'll be OK.

It was a pretty good weekend with them. D8 was sick so we didn't do much at all on Saturday. D12 had theater practice Saturday. Sunday, we made it to church and then an event at a bookstore.

Both of them wanted me to buy things from the bookstore. I told them if they really wanted the toys, I'd split it with them. So they had to give me $15 back each from the money they received for the report cards.

A weird date coming up. Our 15th anniversary is April 27. It wasn't going to be a big deal. It's a Wednesday, and I have the girls those nights so I thought it'd be a nice quiet evening home or maybe the health club.

Unfortunately, D12's school switched the annual talent show to that night so now I'm probably going to have to sit with STBXW -- or at least see her.

Five years ago we were getting ready to go to Vegas for our 10th anniversary. The rest of 2006 went really, really well -- at least I thought so when compared with 2004 and 2005.

Then in January 2007 everything just changed. She withdrew physically and emotionally, started gaining weight, started running up our credit cards.

Part of me wants to go to Vegas again when this is over, to give myself new memories. Part of me wants to never go to Vegas again. I really wonder if the end of the actual process changes how I react to things.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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Honestly, I don't think the end of the process will change the way you view things at all.

Your perceptions and the reactions that certain places will cause will continue throughout your lifetime. The reaction may become less and less over time but it will likely stay the same.

I know there are still places I can't go, songs I can't hear, people I can't see because they trigger bad memories. They replay in my head like they are happening all over again. You seem to hold on to things for a long time so I don't see that change because of a piece of paper.

There are also places, songs, and people that trigger good memories. This will continue for the rest of my life and I'm relatively certain it might do the same in your life.

You will learn to compartmentalize your emotions more and more the more times this happens. The dates will become unimportant or will only stir a brief recollection.

You'll get there......the finalization won't be what does it though.


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Mostly a good consultation with bankruptcy attorney. Some of the money in the girls' custodial and college accounts may be open to seizure. The attorney doesn't believe it will be much. We stopped putting money in the custodial accounts in 2008 and the court can only go after money in college accounts put in the year prior to filing. He's not sure how far back they can go in terms of the custodial accounts.

That's less than $500.

The wedding ring I fought so hard to get back could be an issue. If it's worth more than $5,000 then it's likely the court will take it and sell it. Even then, I'd likely have a chance to buy it back or at least let my aunt or sister buy it.

Anything to keep it in the family. It was my grandmother's wedding ring.

I'm guessing it's only worth $3,000 and then the trustee might do nothing.

I still will wait until divorce is done to file. Cleaner that way. He assures me that by filing I will be protected from any future loss on the house.

It also helps if I delay the filing for a bit to protect more of the girls assets. I'd like to wait until September 1, to get through the summer -- so I made another credit card payment. I may make the May ones as well and then stop paying.

Email from STBXW this morning. She is accepting a change to summer schedule. D12 wants to go to an overnight marching band camp. It's during one of my four weeks of vacation. I proposed having D12 stay with me a different week to make up for the one I'm going to miss.

Then the week she's gone, I'd just have D8. So I'll have them with me together three weeks. I'll have D8 by herself the other week I'm off and I'll have D12 one week by herself during a week I'll be at work. So I'll have one or the other five of the 10 weeks this summer.

Plus, it'll give the girls three full weeks apart from each other. They, mostly D12, needs that alone time.

My sister emailed. She keeps sending more odd jobs my way. Now, she'd like me to make a customer testimonial video for her company. They have a client in Chicago who'd be willing. Editing video is above me, but a coworker could do it and we may be heading to Chicago in the next couple of weeks.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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I don't remember my L ever saying that there could be an issue with the custodial accounts, they are for the kids benefit and not yours. I think they just wanted to make sure I wasn't withdrawing from them.

Sad fact was that I owed so much when all was said and done that it was all forgiven without me having to sell anything. It is a bitter pill to swallow but things are looking up. I believe I am much better financially than I had been in all the years we were married except maybe the first few. You will get there. Wait a weight off my shoulders.

kat


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I was thinking a bit more about my girls encouraging me to find someone else. I think D8's feelings will evolve. D12 is a fixer. She wants everyone to be happy and she gets upset when they aren't.

The next time it comes up I want to say something along the lines of, "I appreciate it. But you shouldn't worry about mom's happiness or dad's happiness. We'll be fine. You should just worry about your own happiness."

My divorce recovery class on Tuesday's has a week where they talk about how a family should be structured. The "inner circle" is the husband and the wife. The linked circle has the children. Everyone else, friends, sisters, brothers and parents, are outside the circle.

Essentially, parents should release their children. STBXW's mom never did and they have a very weird relationship. I remember the first time STBXW talked about MIL, she said she was "perfect."

Then I met her and .... she's not.

Our holidays always revolved around the MIL. The summers always revolved around MIL's campground. STBXW wanted the girls, it appeared to me, to recreate her childhood.

Funny thing is STBXW's childhood didn't appear to be all that happy. One summer, MIL didn't talk to her three daughters for three months other than to say breakfast/lunch/dinner was ready or it's time for bed because she was mad at them.

STBXW was out on the party circuit drinking and going from guy to guy because of self-esteem issues by 14. Her dad ignored her and her mom bounced from smothering to indifference.

Since the split, STBXW spends lots of time with MIL -- and now so does D12 and D8. It's a bad cycle. I want the girls to spread their wings and fly when they are done with college -- not sit on a secluded deck in some campground in the middle of nowhere reading romance novels and complaining about the neighbors.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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This thread nears an end.

STBXW calls and I decide to answer since D8 had an incident at school. She asks about that and then tells me she is firing her L. She asks if my L can just type up what we've decided and she'll sign it.

I tell her I think she'll have to show up in court and tell the judge it's what she wants.

For me, it means my situation won't get worse. The level I'm at is where I'll stay. It means the nightmare is drawing to a close and I'll be able to move forward on the bankruptcy soon and then rebuilding my finances and the rest of my life.

BUT it also means I'm another step closer to something I deep down don't want. It means I'm in the weird position of having to be the one to finish a divorce I never wanted.

It also means I likely will continue to be the villain in the future if the agreement isn't good enough for her. It's more generous than I'd receive in court. Deep down, I know this will be revisited some day.

I'm still all over the place on this. I don't like the stuff that's filtering back to me from the girls. At times, I'm happy knowing I'm not there having to figure out her moods and be second guessed on every decision. STBXW has issues.

But then again, I remember I married her knowing she had issues and thinking I could help her ... and I failed. I didn't realize I had my own issues as well and I just believed in the fairy tale of happily ever after. I wasn't willing to work at the marriage until it was too late. And STBXW -- growing up with parents who hated each other but were too poor to divorce -- never was willing to work at it.

I wonder what it will feel like when we are officially no longer married. I've been living with the dreaded D hanging over my head really since 2004. I read once when one spouse mentions D, the other spouse is a hostage. I've been a hostage for seven years. I'll likely be a wreck on D day. I hope the sun shines on day 2.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
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In our case, my ex never had a lawyer. And neither of us went to court. My L wrote up our agreement, we each had to sign it in front of a notary, and the L took it to a judge. Neither of us were there; I didn't even know my actual divorce date until a week later when the papers came back from the courthouse with a date stamp on them. I don't even know for sure which date it was, so I don't have a particular 'bad date' in my brain. Which is good. Hope you can work it that way too.


Me-35

Together: 18 yrs
M-12.5 yrs
S-8
D-4
D'd: Feb. 2010

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save. --Zeph. 3:17
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