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cagzmom Offline OP
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My life changed almost 4 years ago. I still remember crying so hard that I would almost vomit. I still remember every stupid attempt I made to try and get him to come home. Every prayer, every plee... so much pain.

Since he left his relationship with OW #1ish has ended, he has moved on to many girlfriends and has now moved in woman #2. (I can't call her other woman because she isn't that to me.. she is just another one in a line of many since he left.)

Since leaving he has been fired from 2 jobs, but has kept the last one for awhile... I still am wondering when that will change. (if it will). He moved from the yuppie Lake area back to our town - and now wants to move about a half mile from me... to be "around our daughter more." I dont want him around.

Since he left I have been in counseling and am growing as an individual. I have dealt with issues deep within myself that I didn't even realize had held me captive for so many years.

Since he left I am no longer on any anxiety medicine (that I had been on YEARS before the bomb). My face doesn't break out in deep sores anymore and I dont pick at my face anymore. All of which went on while I was married to him.

Since he left I have bought a house, gotten money in savings and choose my own colors for decorating. (he didn't really "allow" me to decorate in the past).

But now I am in this strange place. I have changed. GOD has healed me beyond my expectations! HE has been so very faithful... but I am stuck.

Last night I went out with my neighbor. I like him. I really do. He is warm and kindhearted and gentle. He was PROUD to have me accompany him to the event. .. BUT ME? I was surprised.

I met a gal where we were... she started talking to me and right away read right into my soul. It was GOD ORDAINED. She could SEE my co-dependancy. She could SEE my insecurity. AND I DIDNT SAY anything.

We talked and since I have been pondering. What next? What am I suppose to do? Who am I suppose to be?

What next?


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


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Hey Cagz...I had a friend on the boards reccommend I read "CoDependant No More". Have you read it? It has helped me alot.

Thinking of you.....4 years is along time...this I know all to well.


Kissak

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3
M-37 H-37
S-10, D-15
M- 1993
First bomb- 12/23/06
Came and went too MANY times!
Gone again 10-25-10
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cagzmom Offline OP
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Yes sweet friend.. it was one of the first books i read. One of many.;)


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


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Cagz,
You don't have to know the exact direction to take right now in your life. God will direct you. Live well, live righteous and it will all come together.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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cagzmom Offline OP
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weird night - not missing just weird.


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,666
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cagzmom Offline OP
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my counseling session today was hard. its been awhile since that! he pushed me. pushed me to think about my ideals to see if what i really want is what I "think" i want.

defining new is hard.
being honest is hard.

moving beyond x and into healthy isn't as hard as it was.. but there are still terrible pulls.

the yo yo life that i lived with him for so long was so very very addictive. the highs were unbelievable. financially, sexually, emotionally ... they were awesome. in a way i feel like a heroin addict.. when they talk about their first high and trying to recapture it.... but then they know the truth of the low.

That is where I am. stability --- what I call "Boring" right now... that is where I truly want to be. I also know what is best for me... now I just need to be ok with my singleness .. keep moving on and move to this phase..

i am gripped by some things - but i believe slowly it is changing.

my heart breaks for those hitting this for the first time. nothing like it... i wouldn't wish this on anyone.. ok one person... and i can't wait unitl that changes even.


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,525
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Im there with you Cagz...the addictiveness is crazy...trying to detox myself now...not easy.

Thinking of you


Kissak

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3
M-37 H-37
S-10, D-15
M- 1993
First bomb- 12/23/06
Came and went too MANY times!
Gone again 10-25-10
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,666
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cagzmom Offline OP
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the further we get away from it I believe the healthier it is for us.

for me i so so so loved the highs.. but i can't live the life of a yo yo anymore.. it isn't healthy.

since the change - him leaving etc so many PHYSICAL parts of me have changed... i can't believe the changes in me.. just wierd. and yes hard to believe.


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


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Hi cagz. I stopped by the newcomers for an old friend who was back in a new difficult situation and decided to see what was happening on MLC. And with you, now I see.

There is no question that the farther you get away from all the nonsense the healthier you get. Here's what I found for me. There was a period where I was trying new things to see what fit. I read a ton of books looking to help define myself. Eventually I stopped trying to figure who I was and what I wanted and decided to take things one day at a time. I decided to be thankful for the blessing that I did have in my life. A funny thing happened. I found peace. And along the way, I started to enjoy the things I had always enjoyed such as making more trips to my hometown to visit friends and family, taking a class or two a year, reading for pleasure (if you can call reading economics for pleasure). It doesn't happen all at once. But you take things one step at a time and eventually everything falls into place. And you keep finding that something else that you enjoy. For example, my sons are now 18 and 15. At some point, they will go off to college and I will replace the time with them with something else even though I don't know what that something else will be.

Hang in there. Love yourself. Give yourself a break. Perhaps stop trying so hard. I found the less I tried, the easier things became. When you take things one day at a time, it may amaze you to find out that the answers actually find you.

Good luck. A great life awaits you.

IMP

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Your getting there cagz.....


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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