Just an update... things are going along smoothly yet still slowly, which is good. I am starting to see the man I know H to be this week. We've had a nice time together and the hope is coming through. We both agree we have a lot of work to do, but that's not a bad thing. We have to come to terms with what has happened and make the commitment that our relationship is going to be different - better - than ever.
Thinking about the A is still very painful for me. I try not to think about it, but of course, it's natural that it comes to mind.
Update....Although, not much change to report at this point.
Have been focusing on kids most of this week with homecoming (huge deal here) and D19 coming home from college for the weekend. Also, S14 has been having some depression issues so I'm watching that carefully.
H met me at the football game on Friday night. Saturday after I got the kids off to the homecoming dance he and I had dinner. It was nice. Sunday we went to the movies and played putt putt. Tonight the boys and I met him for dinner. It was the first time S16 had seen him since he left. It went well - nothing heavy - just friendly.
Overall I am seeing MUCH more of my husband back - the H I know and love. You can just tell in the eyes when they're truly there. We still have work to do, obviously, before he comes back home but I am feeling very hopeful that we can get past this.
So far we have been focusing more on reconnecting than working through the harder issues. I know we cannot ignore those, but I felt that in order to have the desire to get through those, you have to be motivated to do so. Now that I feel that bond is back, it is time to start dealing with more serious matters. (This doesn't mean, btw, that I haven't been confirming NC or asking for transparency, etc...)
H and I need to put a picture together of what our married life should (and will!) look like. We have to put together a plan to meet each other's needs and make our relationship a priority. I have to feel secure that he is doing everything he can to guard himself from infidelity both now and in the future. I'm sure he wants to make sure the changes I've made are going to stick.
So far I think things are going well. I still haven't let my guard down and am protecting myself. I guess I don't feel quite secure enough to just let H back in totally yet. I think that's healthy though because he has to EARN that.
I talked with someone at length today about my experiences through all of this: going from the bomb of ILYBNILWY to EA to PA...to separation....now reconciliation in the works. It has been a little over 6 months and it truly is hard to believe so much can happen in such a time span.
I've thought about the things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that God has given me strength I NEVER knew I had! I'm thankful he put people in my life and things (such as this forum) where I could replenish that strength. I'm thankful for the 180 and GAL strategies. I truly believe that they helped greatly in that now that the A is finally over, H is able to see THAT Sunny - the new and improved one through the 180s and GAL - rather than the former Sunny that didn't have a lot of self-respect or backbone.
Mostly, I'm glad for what I've learned about what it takes to make a healthy marriage work - making it a priority in your life. I've also learned through all of this - my own personal experience - that there is absolutely no way you can save a marriage or even "work on" a marriage with a 3rd party in it. I know - I did my darndest! I worked harder at the dang marriage and thought for awhile that OW was out of the picture when she wasn't. Now that she is finally out of the picture, H and I have a real chance of not just saving our marriage, but making it a better, new marriage! Who wants the old one back??? I don't!
Being that I applied other, tough love kind of methods, I won't go into all of that. Many of you know where else to find me though, and are free to ask me anything as far as what I did, how I did it, and why I did it...and how it saved my marriage!
How long did it take to end the affair since you discovered it?
It says Jun 15 you found out.. When did your husband end contact with his other woman?
June 15thish is when I found out there was an EA. Supposedly, after that was discovered H ended it and we were supposed to be "working on our relationship". We even went to a marriage retreat weekend and I was DBing (180s/GAL) right along during that whole time. I just felt things were not progressing much. H was participating more in the family, but I knew something wasn't quite right: not after that long period of time "working on things". So, about 4 weeks ago I went through H's cellphone and discovered texts and emails back and forth between H and OW! Not only had the EA not ended as H told me it had, it had gone physical! As you can imagine, I was pretty upset. I confronted H and he confirmed it. Before the week was out I had found out further information about the OW and disclosed the A to her husband and to others. The affair ended the day her husband found out. H had OW call me the same day and that's when I started confirming no contact between H and OW. I'm telling you: it's been a little less than a month and I already see traces of the man I married back. It took ending the affair for that fog to lift though.
That's great, Sunny! I'm so happy that you guys are still trying to make a go of this.
I do think you have to mix both concepts -- the GAL and 180s along with the "tough stance" that some of Those Who Have Been Banished espouses here.
I'm glad it worked for you!
Starsky
Yes, you're right...that's exactly what worked for me, balancing concepts. I needed to show H that I was a person to be respected again, which is what GAL and 180s were all about for me. I'm so thankful for a lot of good advice I got here during the summer and onward from some people who believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself - and gave me the courage to do what needed to be done!
So, about 4 weeks ago I went through H's cellphone and discovered texts and emails back and forth between H and OW! Not only had the EA not ended as H told me it had, it had gone physical!
I confronted H and he confirmed it. Before the week was out I had found out further information about the OW and disclosed the A to her husband and to others. The affair ended the day her husband found out.
H had OW call me the same day and that's when I started confirming no contact between H and OW. I'm telling you: it's been a little less than a month and I already see traces of the man I married back. It took ending the affair for that fog to lift though.
Wow.. so you ended an affair in just four weeks?
That was daring but it's wonderful to hear... cogradulations!
An inspiring story I hope to learn from!:)
Clark (You never know when the blue tights will come out)
