I can see what you are saying, Rocked! It's much easier to set those boundaries when you are detached versus when your emotions are triggered.
I did talk to H tonight for awhile. He called and we made an appt to see the FT tomorrow evening. It isn't so much about marriage counseling as it is about discussing my list of must-haves for recovery and what he would like to see happen as well. (He is willing to do MC but I want to make sure we do a good plan of recovery - not just MC.)
H did ask about the time frame for coming home. I didn't want to say a specific time frame and he understood that. He seemed concerned that I was trying to get him to be gone a certain # of days so for some legal reason and that I was just playing along (about reconciliation) until that time frame was up. ???
Anyway, I said basically that I to feel secure about some things before he were to come home and I didn't know what that time frame would be - it depends.
I will say, this is the first time in a very long time that we've talked as human beings about some of the things that have happened. I felt like we were finally getting to some openness and honestly. SO...that was good.
I do not think we would have ended up at this point had I not called him out on the A and brought it to a halt.
I know there is a long road ahead and no shortcuts down it! We shall see. I am not wanting a marriage that is like what we had before. Now that I am a person of self-respect, I expect better for myself and of myself. SO: no one worry that I'm going to accept less than that...ok?! :-)
So sorry you're going through this! When "it's all about them," they don't see all the destruction they create in their wake.
One of the things I've discovered since WH moved out is how much calmer things are around here. No more walking on eggshells, no more planning things around his moods. Even the kids seem happier. He's gone, he's doing his own thing, and we're doing ours.
If he wants back, he's going to have to do some MAJOR changing - I will not tolerate any more disruption from him. Like you, I have a list of things that need to happen before I'll be willing to try again and allow him back into my life. He may have fired us as his family by walking out, but if he thinks we'll rehire him as a husband and father just because the other relationship didn't work out, he's in for a rude surprise!
I think it's interesting that as soon as your WH's relationship with OW ended - even though she had "nothing to do with things" (script, script) - he wanted back. Make him sweat it. Let him know leaving was the easy part; coming back's going to be the challenge.
The first thing that jumps out at me is... how comfortable are you that the A is really over? It took my H several failed attempts to end it. Really, he never did. She did after I talked to her and set her straight about our M. Is there some level of transparency even now while he's out of the house? Maybe that's something that you can discuss with the FT.
Don't let it be all your fault. Keep calling him on his actions that got you here. Alot of them can really twist things back around so it gets to be your fault again.
You're handling this as well as any of us would want to. Good luck with the FT.
I believe there have been failed attempts at ending it prior to this. I do have a transparency plan in place, but am I totally comfortable? No: I don't know that I will be for awhile.
I've done a lot of praying and I can say, God has given me the strength to get through this the best way I can. If I am strong, I am sure it is because of Him. There is no way I could've had a conversation with OW and been as calm and sane as I was otherwise.
Thank you for the support, Blue!
I don't think it is my fault at all. I was at fault for the role I had in problems in our marriage, but I have done - am doing - the best I can at fixing those. While I was fixing myself (and therefore, our marriage) H pursued an affair with OW, despite knowing I was working on the marriage. Until he sees that and the pain of that, there is no hope for full restoration.
Thanks, Starsky. And yeah- DQ - I will when I have a bit more mental energy!
Long day and night. H and I met with FT together. Not much accomplished other than H told his side of the whole story of our marriage from beginning til present. I thought it was going to be more about how we go from here in deciding if/when we reconcile. I'm sure H wanted his story out there for the FT to hear. I'm sure he wants to make sure it is understood why he felt it OK to have an affair, etc...
It's OK: I had 0 expectations going into it. I mean that too - not just saying it. Actually, it feels a bit better that he hasn't just "changed overnight" because this feels more real.
SOOOO...I didn't get to get into my list of my requirements for going back in. In fact, I'm pretty sure H just thinks I'm still dying inside for him to come back, etc... He doesn't get that I'm not! The funny thing is, even if I told him that I think he wouldn't believe it. He would think that I'm just being told to say that or whatever. Doesn't matter to me: I know the truth and that is - I'm NOT dying for him to come home or anything like that. In fact, I know that reconciling for me means a ton more pain. I can't explain it, but there's been a shift for me. It's not so much that I've gotten to the end of the race as it has been described, but that I truly can take it or leave it at this point. Right now, I know I will be just fine without him. I would worry about the kids, but I know they don't want me just taking him back under any circumstance either.
The way I see it, for me to go back into this marriage means I have to go back to pain. Back to trying to heal from infidelity where right now I'm good and detached. If I give my heart back to him, that means I also open myself up to the hurt of him being with another woman. If I don't reconcile, I don't have to open my heart back up to him again, and I avoid pain.
Do I still think it's worth it? Do you save the marriage no matter how tough? Well, that's why we're all here. Having said that, the cheating spouse sure doesn't realize the strength of the inner beast they've unleashed. At least not it my case!
Sunny, my H has no interest in reconciliation and his affair is still, to my knowledge, going strong and we're inching closer to the divorce being final every day. But with that said, I have to say that ever since I seriously entered this detachment/protection phase, I'm feeling the same as you do, the whole "take it or leave it" for the reasons you state above. You perfectly articulated the way I feel too about him, that I am really doing so much better now that I'm detached that I wonder if I'd ever even want to reconcile with him if that opportunity came up. Maybe it won't. I'm assuming it won't. But I wanted to say that you hit the nail on the head for how I've been feeling lately too. The empowerment that comes with detachment is really good for you because you're in such a stronger position to see through any potential bs and now you're sort of driving the car instead of him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Sunny, you are right. He doesn't get it right now. He's still too busy trying to justify what he did. Once he stops and sees who you are now, he'll see the confident, strong woman he left and wonder why you aren't begging him to come back. It will drive him crazy.
You have most of the power now. The strength you get from detaching and GAL is amazing and it's incredibily attractive to WAS. It's really up to you to decide if you want to try for something new with that person. Notice I didn't say go back with them. I don't believe in going back, only going forward to something new and better.
The best part is you have lots of time. None of this has to be decided right now. You can give it some time and FT and see what you want. You sound great. Confident. Keep doing whatever you're doing.