Long term, what's the right thing to do?

[Grocerykartman]

Wondering if anyone has advice on this matter:

So D was final in August of this year. XW and I have been very cooperative and friendly over the majority of the separation process and even afterwards. We absolutely recognize that we need to do what is best for our D4 and not let our problems get in the way of doing that. Not always possible, and we recognize that, but we have been doing fairly well I believe. It is of great concern to me that this continue.

Now to explain the background ofthe situation. I was a fairly lazy H, at many times over several years not showing XW much desire and often ignoring her. A lot of it I chalked up to work related stress, a lot of it I chalked to up to not wanting to listen to her complain or deal with problems, and some of it was just plain indifference or things I should have been doing that I didn't see I wasn't. I do adore my XW and have come to realize she really does mean the world to me, but I didn't show her that when it counted and any efforts I made to try to fix this were too late, thus I made a lot of DBing errors. Not that I believe this was all my fault, but I will accept that I was a pretty lousy husband.

By the time everything was too late in XW's eyes, there was OM involved, a coworker at her job. I knew they were spending too much time together, as she would tell me things that just weren't right, staying later at work than necessary, talking about him way too much, etc. In 4/09, XW found the courage to ask me if she could go see a movie with OM, which I angrily denied.

EA with OM continued all summer of 09, while XW and I sought marriage counseling, which went rather poorly. Bad counseling to begin with, and I later learned it stood no chance of working anyway due to OM's presence. Regardless, XW kept taking steps toward moving out, looking for new places to live, etc. After one weekend away together where we really tried to hit it off again and rekindle everything, it was disastrously awkward, boring, and strained, with OM even calling once during the weekend. At that point, I reluctantly agreed to a separation, with XW moving out. We did not set boundaries or ground rules for the separation, so of course she used the opportunity to continue EA and probably PA with OM, while I at first naively did anti-DB tactics.

Then I found DB tactics, and I have to say they made a huge world of difference as far as how well we got along. GAL'ing really does help, but there's only so much GAL'ing you can do with a child and a limited budget. All in all, she waffled several times as did I, but in the end I simply felt I could not trust her as I had caught in her in numerous lies all throughout, from 10/09 up until a day before the D became official. I felt I had to let her go, and still feel that for any long term cooperation, the only way she'll ever know whether she made the right decision about OM is to have experienced life with him. If he's supposed to be in her life, or if that's what she wants, I could't make her stop seeing him. Set her free, like Gucci says.

We have a very amicable dissolution and shared parenting agreement, one that I can certainly live with. So what's the problem?

I'm not sure how to handle "favors" she asks of me when it comes to trading time with my D4 so that D4 and her can do an occasional activity with OM. XW is leaving her current job for a new one, and they want to throw her a going away party next Friday nnight, which is her night with my daughter and my alone night. We talked about a trade but I hadn't really given a different night much specific thought yet. XW then proposes that we trade this coming Sunday for next Friday, so that she will have my daughter Sunday. BUT, the reason is, she wants to take her to a pumpkin patch to attend OM's nephew's birthday party. When I found that out, I quickly told her no. It's one thing for her to have walked out on me to do things with him, it's another for her to ask me to relinquish time or trade time with my D4 so that she can go spend time with OM.

Now, my daughter is 4, but what would she think of this if she were 8? She would lose the same respect for me, not fighting to keep her during my allotted time, that I believe my wife did. You know, there I am, having a great weekend spending time with my D, and then, "well, it's time to go with mom and OM"? I mean, she doesn't understand schedules yet, but what if she did? And, what if XW wanted to take her with OM to a place I reallly wanted D4 to experience with me, like a favorite amusement park or museum or something? That's why I said no.

Why the second thoughts? My only reason for having them that I can pinpoint is: Life is LONG....and I am two months into this. I may need similar favors from her in the long run. Let's say I meet someone myself....does this just start a chain reaction of uncooperative acts between us? Is this too small of a battle to pick?

I'd appreciate anyone else's advice on this. I admit, I am a passive guy, which got me into this mess largely in the first place. A lot of it, I think, is based on the fact that I think about life being long, and that what goes around comes around. But, it was one thing to be passive with my XW, another to be passive now with my time with my D. I do not want to lose her respect.

Thanks for anyone's time who has read this very long post.

[Augtan]

I wanted to respond to you because I hate when no one responds to someone who is putting themselves out there and wanting a response and no one replys. I didn't respond at first because I dont' know exactly what to tell you, I don't have much experience in your issue. But, I will say that you are right about what goes around comes around...and you might want to pick your battles carefully.

In Georgia where my divorce is, there is a thing called a "morality clause" in most divorces, basically it says that the parents cannot have members of the opposite sex spend the night under the same roof as their children unless they are married to each other. It prevents either one of you from having girlfriends or boyfriends spend the night so that the child doesn't have to witness this immoral behavior and stuff. It has backfired on many of my friends in many ways, one situation was that my friend went nuts when her XH took his girlfriend on summer vacation with them and they all stayed in the same room, then months later when she finally had a boyfriend she wanted to do the same thing and couldn't because she had charged him with contempt of court for doing it months before. So, she was stuck, which I felt was a good thing because the children don't need to have these people coming in and out of their lives or parents beds anyway, especially when you have only been dating them a month or two and it might not last. And, I have had other friends who's XH's have just married right away the person they were having the A with that broke up their marriage cause they didn't want to have to get their own place and "waste" money. I know I went off on a tangent, but my point is that sometimes when you "push" the rules of the visitation or divorce, it backfires on you altogether.

That is not to say that you shouldn't have boundries and stick to them (I am not good at this at all, if you have read my posts, I still sleep with my XH!!). But, life is not as long as you would think (most people say "life is short") and you need to remember that at this point you need to worry about you and your D4 and what is right for both of you. When the time comes that she starts to understand all this visitation stuff, then you might need to switch things up a bit and be more strict, but until then I would not worry to much about it. I would, however, have a problem with my kid around OM, I never allowed my kids around OW!! People who have affairs with married people are not people I want around my kids at all, they are immoral and I don't want my kids raised that way. My kids are older though and knew what was going on, your's is little so it will be harder to keep her away from OM. Good luck and post here as often as you want!

A

[JTJ]

GKM,

You are still trying to hold on to something, some last thread of control. You may be trying to keep the X away from the other man by using your daughter. Work on yourself and changing you. Detach and let her go. There is a good article on detachment on the Livestrong site. It will help. Your wife X will only see your current behavior as more of the same old GKM. She ran away from this GKM to the new M stop stoking the fire under the guise of protecting D4. She will only hear your X complain about you. You may also pick up Controlling people by Patricia Evans. It taught me more about myself and how I treated my soon to be X. God Bless

Joe