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That stinks not seeing DS for 3 days. I know after two days I'm desperately missing my DS. Hope the penicillin works wonders for you and you are able to get some decorating done tomorrow. It's our decorating day, too.


New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
newmama #2111523 12/04/10 07:41 PM
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Get well soon newmama!

Babysitting while at the gym is a great idea! Never worked for my with my "high needs" baby but lots of mamas keep in great shape that way.

Have fun decorating. We're cutting down a tree this afternoon smile


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Hi lostandconfused6,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible!!!
The pain takes a long time to go away. 3 weeks out...do not expect to feel better any time soon. I am just being honest. Sure, I am doing much better (it has been 19 months now)but it really takes no contact to help. For me, it actually had to take him filing for D I think...I am not "over" him yet but have come a long way.

When my husband left for OW in 2009, I did not tell anyone except my family and close friends. I told 2 teacher friends that I trust but that was it. They didn't tell anyone.

Then, I stayed home for a year to be with my son (he was born 3 months after exH moved out). I still didn't tell anyone new.

Finally, when he filed in June 2010, I realized that I would have to let people know. I agonized about it here on the DB forum, and people kept telling me that it won't be that bad...that I should just get it over with. Well, they were right.

I emailed a group of teachers that I played Bunco with and just told them "unfortunately, I am getting a divorce. It was not my choice but we will have shared custody. I am not ready to talk about it at this time but wanted to let you know."

I wanted them to know it wasn't my choice because I just had a baby!!! I am responsible and dedicated and committed to marriage and keeping 2 parents for my son. THAT was one of my major worries- they would think I left him and judge me. Of course no one would judge someone for divorcing a cheating spouse. But at the time, that was my worry.


Yes, I had several people want to know what happened, but I was more ashamed (and still am for some reason) that he had an affair than being left. I didn't tell them because it is VERY embarrassing to be left for another woman and they don't need to know! I just said "thanks for your concern, but I am not ready to talk about it. I am adjusting and it's hard right now." They asked for the first couple of weeks (not every day) and most just minded their own business....now no one asks about it! Phew!

Also, I kept my married last name since it is the same as my son's and it has made that part of the divorce (all the name changing part) SO MUCH EASIER! I am simply "Ms." Mama instead of "Mrs." Mama.

The teachers are mostly curious about custody arrangements and ask about my son and they look to see if I am happy or doing ok. I look my best most days, smile and ask them about THEM.

Sure, I still get people saying "Mrs. Mama" every single day and my Mrs name is on all kinds of stuff that I own. But it is only fair since I didn't change my last name--of course I expect them to slip up smile

IN SUMMARY- You don't have to let the teachers know anything until you have to change your name...even then, you say you are getting divorced and that is all they need to know!

Let me know where your thread is (what forum?) and I will follow it!


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

flowmom #2111583 12/05/10 04:27 AM
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newmama Offline OP
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Thanks for the well wishes, Awest, Mystik and FM! It worked!
By 9 a.m. this morning I was ready to roll up my sleeves and get busy.

I took the Christmas stuff out of the storage space (behind the Halloween stuff) and exH had them so neatly organized in plastic tubs that it was easy. Thanks, exH!

Then I located a staple gun and rifled through tons of staples until I found some the right size. I used these to put up one of my shags (or garlands, whatever) in the kitchen area. I decorated the mantle and then put Christmas lights up in the front windows...I just needed a stepladder in the garage and some scotch tape, lol! Thanks to exH's organization, there were some extension cords already in the tubs so I had everything. I even put the tubs back in the storage (which required moving all of that other stuff out of the way AGAIN).

Of course I also rearranged furniture, purged a bunch of junk mail and catalogues, cleaned the kitchen, dining area and bathroom, S' toys, vacuumed, and all of that took a lot longer than it did to type! (7 hours non stop moving, I swear...) I didn't get the laundry done, damn it!

So when exH came to drop off S, he had him already in his pj's and S was so happy to see me and more happy to see his toys (lol!) ExH looked surprised that I got the stuff out of storage and put up the garland thingy by myself. He even helped me last year. He was surprised I put the lights up, too. HAHAHAHA! It felt good.

ExH asked if my family was still coming over for Christmas and I said "yep...since Ihave the house still. Of course even when I move to an apartment they will still probably come over...we'll have to rent the clubhouse or something."

AGAIN HE SEEMED CAUGHT OFF GUARD!


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

newmama #2111585 12/05/10 04:32 AM
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just wanted to clarify-- I put the stuff in the tubs, he was the one who stacked them and was in charge of Christmas lights. I didn't want to sound like he did all the work smile


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

newmama #2111588 12/05/10 05:08 AM
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Thanks for the advice NM! I haven't decided whether or not I will talk about the affair or not. I have 3 teacher friends who know, but have never said anything. My h is also a teacher and I feel a need to keep quiet for the sake of his job, but ow teaches at his school so this is very hard for me. It just seems so unfair that they continue to teach together when they have this hidden relationship going on. I think I am the opposite of you, I am more embarrassed about getting a divorce than that he had an affair. I think that if people knew about the affair they would be less judgemental of the divorce. On the otherhand I know how the reputation of an affair can stick around in a school corporation. There are a couple of teachers/administrators in our school corp that have had affairs 10-15 years ago and people still point the fact out. I think about my son and the fact that this is his father, and I don't know if I want him to have to deal with that.
My thread is - "It ain't over til it's over, right?". I have read a lot of your thread b/c I saw a lot of similarities between my h and yours in the sense that like your exh, my husband would still do anything for me, and seems to want to be "friends". He just doesn't want to stop being with the ow. It is really hard to understand the fact that they seem to want to talk to you, hang out with you, and tell you that they care about you, but don't want to be married to you.

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newmama Offline OP
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Thanks lost, I will check out your thread!

OK well in the case that you are worried about the stigma of divorce, but NOT about the affair, why not let people know (when you have to) that you are getting a divorce. If they ask, you can say your H met someone else. People will get it from there!

OR you say you are getting a divorce, but it isn't your choice.

I will need to find out some more background to see what has happened regarding the D in your sitch.


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

newmama #2111609 12/05/10 08:54 AM
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Well I got a text from zoobrew tonight, celebrating "our Ducks" (his words). I was talking on the phone to a friend at the time but was texting back and forth. All innocent with some clever joking (yeah- we have that)

So then he asks me how I am doing and all so I let him know keeping busy with a full schedule of activities.

Then he asks if my divorce was done yet. I told him yep, moving on. He said I sound positive.

I asked him about his (ex) girlfriend. He said he had some business to work out but in the end, his kids were most important so he ended it.

He said he wasn't into guilt and the games because he wanted to spend quality time with his kids ...

Apparently, she wasn't satisfied because he has week on/week off with the kids and then he has 2 jobs. So even on his week off (and I think she spent time with the kids and him on his week on) she wasn't satisfied with they way he was treating her.

Now, I say this--how is one supposed to have a relationship when they have NO TIME TO INVEST?! Seriously--is his life really open for one right now? I am not looking for a relationship with him- just was catching up. But if he asks my opinion I will tell him straight out.

We are still texting-- am waiting for my sheets to dry so I can go to bed! The mattress cover has so much fabric that it's like a blanket almost so it takes forever to dry.


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

newmama #2111614 12/05/10 09:37 AM
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ok...so the next text was to say he is focusing on his kids right now and is happy with that...no dating. (good job,zoobrew!)

I say that he may find a silver lining is being able to not date when work is so demanding.

Well a couple back and forth's later and I said something like
"I like the meetups as long as they don't take pictures"
and, being a man, he said "WHY? Were you doing something naughty?"

(Men why are you THIS EASY to LURE? KEEPING YOU is a different story...)

I said NO and explained one pic but kept mystery going still. The next thing I knew he said he had to go but it was fun texting me and wanted to know if we could grab a brew sometime.

I say "sure, we could grab a brew some month" (because it took him a month to get back to me when I asked him out in June)

So then he says "that would be great ___(calls me by an old nick name from the summer);)"

who knows if we will actually go out or not. But I am not as giddy and head over heels as I was in the summer! The hormones have calmed and I am a MUCH wiser woman...back in total control of herself!


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

newmama #2111774 12/06/10 07:28 AM
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Had a great day! A fun playdate this morning with the School Psych and her son, and she revealed her "story of betrayal" to me. She is having the hardest time (understandably) accepting that OW has been holding her son and playing with her son. She can't believe I am accepting of it. WHen pressed as to why I am not more outraged, I found myself saying "because I trust exH is being a very good dad to S when he is with him." Well, her H was not very hands on with S when he was born and she still is a more responsible/skilled parent than he is.

We will be getting together with the toddlers in a week for dinner at her place!

Then I saw exSIL and bought an apron and mitt, 2 purses, and 2 pencil pouches. She refused to let me pay her asking price, but I insisted--told her she needs to be paid what she is worth! Family or not! I wouldn't feel right paying her less! (it's a small business with one employee!)

I think that's it-- S was adorable petting/playing with her cats. He was trying to play peekaboo with them and we kept reminding him also how to pet "gentle!"


me,34
exH,34
S,16 months
S:3/31/09-left for OW
started DBing 10/09
d final: sometime 10/10
current:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1
met in 2004

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