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Still doing the separated limbo lambada. I'll post an update to my sitch. =)


Me-41
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D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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Hmmm, for some reason I had to update the link to my thread. The thread number changed with the board going down. Did that happen to others?

Actually, the UBB link doesn't work at all for me anymore. Same for others?

Last edited by bustorama; 10/07/10 05:16 PM.

Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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Originally Posted By: bustorama
SOA,

So sorry for your continuing pain. I empathize with you very much from my own sitch.

Right now, your H's heart is not open to reconciliation. It may or may not reopen to you. He knows how you feel about him and the relationship, your remorse about your actions, and your guilt for hurting him. You have stated it to him clearly in the past, right? If so, there's not much more you can do on that front. If HE brings it up again, you can apologize again for hurting him deeply, taking full responsibility for your bad actions, and also for your PART in the deterioration of your relationship.

What you can do is work to improve yourself, distract yourself, and heal yourself from your current emotional situation. Exercise, exercise, exercise; new hobbies; social activities with supportive friends; resurrect neglected projects/personal goals.

Emotionally, keep exploring what difficulties in your relationship with your husband got you to this point. What of your own personal issues led you to seek intimacy with computer friends? Why did you avoid discussions/interactions with your husband about what was missing for you and turn to the computer instead? What other actions (or inactions) on your part in your relationship promoted the emotional distance in your relationship that cultivated the soil from which your emotional affair grew? You need to address these issues so you don't repeat the same pattern in future relationships, whether it be with your H or another.

Your husband is angry, hurt, resentful and disrespected. You may have passed the point of no return for him and must accept that possibility. You pulling on the rope overtly or covertly for him to come back will just piss him off more and get him to yank harder. Give him space, and let him go. Work to better YOURSELF so that if he does decide to test the waters with you again that you are the best version of yourself you can be. And, if he cannot get over it, you will be wiser and ready to live a rich life.


I don't really know if he knows how I feel. The first time we talked about our sitch, he didn't want to talk about what happened. He told me we were through, and that there is no changing his mind. The second time we talked about it, at my request and his reluctance, I wanted to have an opportunity to express my feelings, since I didn't do that in the first conversation. I only listened in the first conversation, I didn't want him to feel like he wasn't being heard. So anyway, second "conversation" which was over the phone I told him I wanted to reconcile, that I was sorry, that I loved him, etc, and his response was "I don't believe anything you say, and I can't listen to this anymore". So I never got a chance to pour my heart out. And even if I had, he thinks I'm just lying to him.

This whole online thing started out innocent, or so I thought. I was playing games (like video games), and not chatting with people are getting involved emotionally or anything. Then one day some guy sent me a message and we chatted, and nothing "weird" ever came of it. He was friendly, but didn't ever express any interest in me that was anything outside of "friendship". So when the next guy sent me a message, I guess I didn't see the red flag. It started out with me just expressing frustration. Like "Why won't he pick up his dirty socks?", or whatever. But then it just snowballed. I said so many of those things I never meant. Things that when I walked away from the computer, never even went through my head. I said things because of the response they evoked, "i.e., you're beautiful, you're smart, he doesn't appreciate you, etc, I would treat you so good, blah blah blah" I did feel like I wasn't appreciated. But did I appreciate him? No, obviously not. Now that he's gone all I can't think of is how sad I am for hurting him, for destroying our marriage, for causing so much pain. I hate not sleeping next to him, I hate not putting my arms around him, I hate not cooking his dinner and picking his dirty socks up off the floor. Yes, I had frustrations with our marriage that I had trouble expressing. Yes, I looked for attention where I had no business. Yes, I did many horrible hurtful things. And I know I need to accept it. I just don't know how.

And Dance Queen, I'd give tapping a chance if I had any interest in dance what-so-ever. I've never wanted to dance. I wish I did. Right now I'm still so raw, I can't even think of one fun thing I'd like to do.

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For now, just grieve.

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Originally Posted By: So Ashamed
I don't really know if he knows how I feel.

So anyway, second "conversation" which was over the phone I told him I wanted to reconcile, that I was sorry, that I loved him, etc, and his response was "I don't believe anything you say, and I can't listen to this anymore".


Though you never felt like you got to "pour your heart out" he did in fact hear that you love him, want to work on M, etc. You may not feel you said your piece at full length but he got the gist of what you were saying and unfortunately, he wants no part of it.

GAL, Soa. GAL, GAL, GAL.

You will be fine in time, you really will eventhough it doesn't feel like it.

How were things in your M before the affair?

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Originally Posted By: soleil
Originally Posted By: So Ashamed
I don't really know if he knows how I feel.

So anyway, second "conversation" which was over the phone I told him I wanted to reconcile, that I was sorry, that I loved him, etc, and his response was "I don't believe anything you say, and I can't listen to this anymore".


Though you never felt like you got to "pour your heart out" he did in fact hear that you love him, want to work on M, etc. You may not feel you said your piece at full length but he got the gist of what you were saying and unfortunately, he wants no part of it.

GAL, Soa. GAL, GAL, GAL.

You will be fine in time, you really will eventhough it doesn't feel like it.

How were things in your M before the affair?


Before the emotional betrayal, I felt like overall we got along pretty well. We never fought, but we did disagree. We had the same interests in food, music, movies, etc. But I felt like when I tried to communicate about something with him that was important to me, I felt like he wasn't listening. If he didn't want to talk about something, he just wouldn't talk about it, period. I found myself frustrated often that he wasn't listening or hearing me out. If we had a disagreement, I always yielded. He always stood his ground. I wish we'd learned to work things out when our problems were still relatively small, but I'm sure that's a problem most couples who go through divorce make.

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Yep, communicating is a killer; Men are from Mars and all that. Read that book when you have a chance. It may not help you in your current sitch, but it'll be a lifesaver in your next.

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Yes, GAL GAL GAL. I agree with soleil and dancing queen that, based on what you said, he knows how you feel. He just wants no part of it now(?).

Towards healing/improving yourself, I suggest you get a book about infidelity and also a book about boundaries/assertiveness in relationships. It's not only OK, but the better thing to do for your partner in your relationship to stand up for yourself and make sure that your key/critical needs be met. That you always feel "heard." You are actually doing a disservice not only to yourself, but to your partner by "yielding" because of the problems that follow. (I did the same as you, incidentally)

Re: infidelity, I liked: Not "Just Friends" : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (by Glass)

Re: boundaries, consider: Boundaries in Marriage (by Cloud and Townsend)


Me-41
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D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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SoAsh...I hope you do realize that what you did was an affair (sounds like maybe more than one) and not just an "emotional betrayal". Its called an emotional affair. However, in your case, I would actually also call it a physical affair because of skype.

In my situation, I had many sexual "friends" even though we didn't have intercourse, we did have verbal/written/phone sex and similar. When I was "you", I also wanted to avoid the word affair.

As part of my growth and healing, I had to learn the cold hard truth - everything I did was an affair, either emotional or physical or both.

I'm sorry to seem to rub salt in, but you do need to fully understand this. You can't hide from the ugliness. You'll never really get past it if you think you can call it just an emotional betrayal. You have to get into yourself and find out why you had AFFAIRS and face that mirror and find out who you are.

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Yes, totally agree with DanceQueen re: above. This was a mistake I made early on to not really own/admit that what I did truly was an affair. It invalidates your spouse's feelings and hurt, which is as bad as the affair itself.

And if you have minimized in any way or tried to act like it was a "lesser" affair when talking about things with your H, then you have not truly taken full responsibility for your bad actions and for his real pain. In case you have minimized it, I am not saying you should raise this issue with him now, BUT if he chooses to raise it with you that you take the opportunity to really own what you have done and not try to minimize it. To apologize for how you have hurt him. Period.


Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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