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I used to be on the db board quite a bit when I was trying to rebuild my relationship with my then separated H. DB worked for me to an extent. It lead him back, but it did not lead him to treating me much better. It changed my behavior but it did not change him.

So, after I confronted him about a PA he'd had in the past that I found out about a couple years after the fact (that had continued as an EA), he told me we were over and he wasn't in love with me, blah, blah, blah.

This time I couldn't see any reason to continue dbing. It would be humiliating. I ended up filing myself because he hadn't taken care of it as in the past when he insisted we were over, and he started threatening to control me with money and the house. I figured I needed to protect myself, so I took care of most of the divorce stuff myself. He didn't change his tune about us until he had moved across country to the East Coast and I moved to the West Coast. Then he sent me a letter a few days before our tele-conference divorce court date. He recanted everything he'd said about not loving me and said he'd never wanted to leave me, etc. But he did not ask to stop divorce preceedings. So I did nothing and the divorce was finalized almost a year ago now.

I raise our 8 yr old son by myself now, while working a lot of hours and constantly worrying about money. I have very little family or close friends near me. I'm working on meeting people, but it's slow going while I'm trying to keep it all together.

So I don't know exactly why I'm back here. Maybe just to hear from others in the same situation. I don't expect that my XH will ever say that he wants me back. Even though both my son and I harbor fantasies about him suddenly finding a back bone and asking for the three of us to be a family again.

I don't have a whole lot contact with him, but my son flies across country to see him 2x a year now. It's scary and hard for everyone, especially my son. When my son visited his dad last I got lots of texts from my XH, some very sweet ones not just about our son but about me, but as I expected, when my son came home, he stopped. I knew I was being pulled back in by him, and I knew the sting and hurt was coming when he would inevitably pull away again. It's his way. And it's my way to take the bait.

Anyway, after a year I am still hitting these vicious walls of depression and overwhelmed with thoughts of XH. Every store I go into reminds me of some time I went into the same store in a different town with him. It's only been a year and the long road to "getting over it" doesn't look like it has an end. I barely keep things together and sometimes and struck immobile by this overwhelming fear. Fear of having all this responsibility, raising my son alone, living in a house alone, working a job that requires so much self-initiative, and having so few people to turn to for help. It's so frightening it makes sleeping very hard sometimes and I'm even more scared that my son will see how scared his sole source of stability is. And there is no end in sight.

Last edited by optimist2004; 09/19/10 07:23 PM.

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I think the biggest issue with your DBing efforts is that you did these things in an attempt to change how your ex was going to act, and expected him to be different instead of doing these things strictly because they were going to make you a better person and although you might not get the result you wanted - you would get the result you needed.

I have been divorced for 4 months now, and I didn't have much choice as my ex initiated the proceedings. She is still seeing the OM (I don't try to focus on it, it just goes on next door) and I just don't worry about it. I have noticed that he has been cheating on her with another woman when she is not around - but it really isn't my business any longer.

I'm raising my two sons and have joint custody of my daughter, and basically filling up the time I used to spend worrying over my ex and the OM with the kids.

My boys play football now, and I spend most evenings at their practices, or at the games. I don't really date, though I did go through a post-D fling thing.

The important thing is to do things to be happy about yourself. If your ex comes back around, that is fine. If not - that is fine too. You do what you have to for you and your son to be happy, and things will be alright in the end.

I live about 4 hours from my family, so I kind of know what it is like to be alone. You have to be superwoman for your son. Don't lean on him for emotional support.


"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
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Yes, I suppose you're right. I picked up DB because I wanted to keep my marriage, not solely to become a better person myself. I do a lot of things because I want to grow and learn, I'd been to counseling years before I ever heard of dbing and have been a closet self-help book junky since high school. Although I certainly did grow and learn as a result of dbing, I picked up the book because I wanted to save my marriage. At that point I really believed that I could do it all myself. But by the second separation I realized I couldn't do his part and I'd done my part to the best of my ability.

What dbing did give me was a lot of tools for parenting I'd never thought of before. So I did come away with something. And thanks for the reminder not to lean on my son for emotional support. There are lots of things we know, but still need to be reminded of.


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Hey, I've been divorced for over a year now myself. We all picked up DB to try and save our M's. But the funny thing is that you end up helping yourself. I know it also helped me to realize how bad my situation was and how I deserved to be treated better.


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
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I too have been divorced for over a year now and I still have fantacies of him pounding down our door saying it was all a mistake and that he wants to come home. My 11 yr old dd does too! She wants him to at least move closer to us, he lives 700 miles away. So, I know how you feel! I know my ex is not changed and is still so deep in MLC, but I just want my normal life back and I am sick of people telling me that I have to create my own "normal" now. Look, I was married to him for over 17 years, with him since I was 18 yrs. old, I will always think of my life with him, being married, living in our gorgeous house, going to bed each night together, talking 5 times a day, eating dinner together each night, raising our kids, etc. as my normal life and everything else is just like living in a twilight zone. I never dreamed we would ever be divorced, we had our issues, but they were nothing that wasn't fixable with therapy, DBing and such. He just went into textbook MLC and it was over!!

Hang in there! I haven't been on these boards in months and here I am! No real reason, just missing my married life so much!


Me-40
XH-44
T-21
M-18
Div-19 mo.
D-18,S-15,D-11
Bomb-7/07 EA,PA
Mvd out-9/07-to give me space
mvd back-12/07
mvd out-7/08
back with OW since 2/08
OW broke it off-1/10
in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
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Yea, it would be nice if they could just get a hobby instead of an OM/OW...lol


Formerly SGfan
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((((Opti))) so glad to hear from you. So sorry to hear about your worries. One thing I do know is that you are an amazing woman and not giving yourself enough credit. I know things are very scary, but I bet you're doing a great job.

So your H is on the east coast? Mine is on a boat on the lakes.

Hard to believe your DS is 8 years old, mine are 15 and 16 and both driving. I finally had H served with D papers just yesterday. What a horrible couple of years it's been, but I know that I am doing the right thing.

I sent you a friend request under my real name...


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Hi Opti, I'm not sure if welcome back is appropriate but it's good to hear from you.

You got to the water and a warmer climate and writing right? so there's something good.

I'm sorry the pieces have not fallen into place to bring the inner peace you need to find. Finding the real you is still the key.

In the absence of my H I had those horrible memories of him wherever I went as I moved forward without him. Now, it's just as weird when H joins me again after dong things alone for so long.


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@Optimist - Maybe you are back here because there is something inside of you that says to keep going and keep trusting. One of the biggest challenges that people face is dealing with the circumstances. Circumstances have a tendency to control our actions. We really don't know what is happening behind the scenes. Our "loved ones" appear to be having fun with no concern for us, and while that may be true, we don't know what they are feeling inside or thinking. I believe that is why Ms. Weiner-Davis encourages us to find a hobby and focus on the positives rather than be ever watching what our spouses are doing. Typically, the reason why we are in this situation didn't happen overnight. Any changes in ourselves didn't start until we were forced to look at ourselves. Even then, we have to decide whether we want to change.

Our changes can have an impact on our spouse and help to shorten the duration we are apart from each other but there is no guarantee that is the only thing that has to be done. For a spouse to walk away from a marriage, there are some serious issues happening with them. So even with our own changes that we are making in ourselves, there are changes that our wayward spouse will probably have to make in order for them to want to have a marriage restoration. Like an alcoholic, they have to admit they are an alcoholic and then decide to do something about it. I know from battling weight issues in my life how hard that can be. No matter what someone says to me about getting fit, it will take something in me to make that happen.

It is no different for our spouses. They have to see the problem in themselves, realizing running away is not only not the answer but it is adding to the problems in their lives (not to mention the harm that it causes to our children). Once they see that we aren't really the problem, they have to decide if it is worth it to make changes in themselves.

Imagine how hard it is for someone who runs away from another issue (marriage problems) to then have to deal with taking ownership of their own problems and not blame their left behind spouse? If they can get to that point, then they have to start the long road to dealing with their emotional issues. And it is unlikely they will ever contact us during that time. They can be too proud or too embarrassed to tell us. Who can blame them? I know how proud AND arrogant I can be myself.

If they are successful in dealing with their issues, then they may start looking at the possibility of a reunion with the left behind spouse. And this is now the crucial consideration.

Did we, the left behind spouse, close the door on them? We are talking about emotionally injured people in the first place that are dealing with choice of running away from their family, to have to swallow their pride in order to come back home. No one likes to admit they were wrong or handled an issue with immaturity so can you imagine what it would be like for them to admit they made a bad choice?

Adding to the challenge with having to swallow their pride and try to return home, are the situations where the door was closed and nailed shut by their hurting spouse. Yes, we feel rejected and we want them to know it out of hurt and anger but what will the result be? The possibility that they don't feel it is okay to discuss a possible restoration.

My kids know that I am safe. Throughout this whole horrible chapter in our lives, they know that no matter what, they can trust that I will be there for them. I am safe for my children. (And I did make some mistakes before, during and after my wife left).

My wife, doesn't know it is safe. I don't know that for a fact but I wouldn't be sure if I were in her shoes. She doesn't know if I would welcome her with open arms or slam the door in her face. Does she know that I love her? I think she does. But that isn't enough.

Many people would consider showing unconditional love as a sign of weakness or relegating one's self as a "doormat". Maybe they are right but when I look around and I see so many broken marriages (and torn apart families), maybe we shouldn't be listening to them or even to our own emotionally distraught selves.

Now, I don't think anyone deserves to be abused or should choose to allow themselves to be mistreated but I do believe that our measurement of what it is to be used or abused has changed a great deal. If someone is causing harm to another, and that person has no remorse or willing to change, then the best thing is to remove ourselves from the danger.

But in many cases, we aren't talking about something this severe. In many cases, we are emotionally hurt because of the lack of love and/or respect we are getting from our spouse.

In the case of unconditional love being displayed, it is something that we do crave ourselves, knowing that no matter what, we are loved. We want to know that we have that safety in our lives.

Our "prodigal" spouse is no different. They are probably so conflicted emotionally, they have no clue what they should do. In fact, they are encouraged by many people, the media and even other self help books, that are misguiding people to seek out whatever is pleasurable, to continue on the path of separation, divorce and seeking whatever makes them happy. Chances are what they feel one day about their situation is different the next day. When they are alone, they may be completely unsure what they should do.

The only thing we, as left behind spouses, can do, is to provide stability for ourselves, our children and a "lighthouse" for our families. Is this going to be easy, i.e. to be a place of safety for our children and spouse? Absolutely not. This is why the rate of divorce is way above 50% now and that many of the children today are seeing high rates of suicide, sexual experimentation, emotional distress, etc.

The sad thing is that we don't have the support of others like we should. Most people consider people who DB as foolish. The solution they have is to start dating immediately. I can only speak for myself (and actually for several friends of mine who have gone through this in the past) that is not a wise idea. I have a number of friends that have gotten remarried and regretted it several years later only to repeat the whole separation and divorce model. Several "honest" friends have suggested to me that I not date and wait until I can be healed from what has happened. Some have even added that they would recommend that I not get remarried, basing on their experience.

Praying for you!


Me:56, W:51
D:26,S:24,S:22
Married:18
Bomb 9/27/06
Separated 11/27/06
Divorced 10/6/08
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NNP, WCW!
It has been a while hasn't it? It's hard for me to keep up with boards like this now because everytime I'm at any computer I have deadlines calling to me. I think I also just needed a break from the boards. In order to walk away from XH I needed steely resolve. He did his usual cold declarations that it was all over and for the first time went so far as to tell me there was always something missing (of course, I knew that...he was missing). In no uncertain terms he let me know this time was it. So I turned around and walked away because my own life was somewhere else. And he has done things since to recant, telling me he was wrong to say he didn't love me, that he missed me, etc. But I had already picked up and moved and I knew if I told him I'd come rushing back, he'd recant again. It's the way of our relationship, and it continues to be even though we have very little communication.

I only admit on these boards and to a couple of my closest friends that my feelings for him have not changed. I love him, I'm attached to him, I'm in love with him. There are wonderful, upstanding things about him. Then, he becomes another person. I'm sure the years of alcohol and running away from himself have a lot to do with that. But I don't want to be seen as one of THOSE women. And I don't want to turn into my mother who never moved on from her last marriage and may be alone for the rest of her life, still crying herself to sleep a time or two a week.

And yet, I still haven't moved on and am not sure how to do it. And I know a part of me really doesn't want to. For example:

My XH is now in training at a unit where we were stationed together. The only part of our marriage where we lived together full-time in fact. And where our son was born. He sent me a text before he went telling me to call him on his cell if I needed anything and that things at our old stomping grounds hadn't changed much. I don't know why he felt the need to send that text. But I didn't reply. Last night he sent another text saying the bartender on base remembers me. I don't know why he would send that text either. I haven't responded.

I kind of want to ask him about his training, because I was a part of the course years ago and want to know if they're doing things the same way. I know that it would probably start a texting conversation. I don't know if I want that.

If I was actively DBing I would text him back (the going dark thing never worked with him). But that keeps me hooked.

On the other hand, can I be a big enough person to start a friendship with him and yet harbor no expectations? I don't know. My gut tells me it's too soon. Any friendship I start up with him is going to just lift my hopes of a reunion no matter how I try to justify it to myself.

Should I just tell him I'm not ready to be friends because I'm still in love with him and it wouldn't help me move on with my life? And ask him to please not send me messages reminiscing about our past together?

Part of me thinks that would be smart. Because I know he would comply. Part of me just doesn't want him to stop sending me messages.

Obviously he is thinking about me, and I like that. But it does put me back on the roller coaster. An alcoholic shouldn't keep booze in the cupboard. Maybe I shouldn't allow XH to keep sending these messages.


**on a positive side note, an hour after XH sent that text and I was awake in bed, crying a little, I got another set of photos on my phone from a bunch of guys I got to know on a business trip last summer (a very respectable group of guys) who are stuck on a boat for a month at a time. I told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself because at that very moment a whole bunch of men were thinking about me, even if they were all in other states. This little bruised ego could use as much of that as it can get:)


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