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I really feel for you trying to navigate through this GW. All I can suggest is to listen to your gut about what YOU need. Try to focus on yourself. Unhealthy focus on your W derails you from following your direction.

(((hugs)))


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
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flowmom #2110500 12/01/10 07:12 AM
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LISTEN TO SANDI ^^^^^^

At least in my sitch, any time some new and weird behavior came from H, especially if it meant he was nicer all of a sudden, SOMETHING WAS UP. And it wasn't good for me. PROTECT YOURSELF. DON'T GET SUCKED IN BUDDY.


Me: 42
Him: 43

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Quote:
and then what would be the best way to respond?


Well,when I was a kid and got hurt playing, my mother was the type who did NOT just kiss the wound and put a band-aid on it. She would put iodine or alcohol (something that burned the heck out of it). She would NOT be mean to me, but if I got hurt playing where I had no business playing.....she would not baby me. Through my tears, I would hear her message....."Sandi, you knew better than that. I told you not to play there. Now you see what can happen". She didn't yell or act mad, but I knew the difference in getting accidently hurt within the realm that I was allowed..... from when I got hurt playing where I had been [b]warned not to go. I quickly learned the difference in Mother's reaction from the difference consequences.[/b]

So, my advise would be to not kiss her wound and put the band-aid over it. I think she needs to feel the burn. You don't have to lecture, yell, etc.,but but I would be very cafeful and not get all melty-man. Your M is on the line. She's been rejected & hurt and she's turning to you for comfort.

My POV is that she needs to know that you will not jump up & down with joy by being her left-overs. You show a calmness that radiates strength. As of right now, you have not made a decision........and I think that is what you should tell her if she begins acting as if nothing ever happened. You may have to say that you are still thinking about it and have not come to a final decision.

When she shows you physical affection......like a hug, I'm not saying that you have to push her away, but don't get all warm & fuzzy over it,either. This is the second time around and she needs to know that you won't be manipulated as easy as she may have thought after she got dumped.

Hold the line, continue to monitor(as DB says) and see how things go till Christmas.

Well,hope this doesn't get banned.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2110525 12/01/10 01:07 PM
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Sandi - thanks...I think its less likely to get banned in piecing...don't think they check as much here.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
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Separation Jan 11
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Last night, she initiated two short mini R talks. Probably 5 minutes each, maybe 10 tops. I did my best to say little to not prolong them, cause I didn’t see much good coming.

It starts with her asking me if I knew how she can see a IC (with insurance paying for it)…that one shocked me...I really didn't think she would ever follow thru on getting an IC.

So I told her I had done some research for me to see someone and that I was looking at people that did both IC and MC with the thought that maybe at some point we would progress to MC. She listened to how that worked, but I think is leery about spending the $$. If we have the insurance pay for it, we won’t be choosing the best…we will have to take whomever they give us

She asked why did I need to see someone. So I told her. I told her I have to figure out what I want to do, cause I don't know, and I think I probably need help to recover, and the book I’ve been reading has given me hope but made me realize talking to a professional will probably help me. And, if we decide to split, that too will be tough and I think having someone to talk to will help.

W said that is admirable but I think this is all too much. Whenever I look at you, all I see is (I forget the words she used but it was basically betrayal). W said whenever I point out someone like I did today, I start wondering what are you thinking. I start assuming you are thinking boy I bet he wouldn’t think so highly of you if he knew what you did. W said things will never be the same now, if I had kept this to myself then only I would have had to deal with it, but now you know everything and it will always be there between us. I listened, validated, and then said but only I can decide how much I can deal with, not you. And yes those things happened and the only way to move forward would be to decide to work together and heal together. And right now, with C, I still think there is a chance that I might be able to deal with this.

Then W talked about her and what she needs from IC. W said she needs to talk to IC to figure out what it is that is missing, what emotional need is not being filled, otherwise she will always be reaching out to someone else. I validated and said and if you figure that out, you need to communicate it to me and help me understand how to fill that need.

I did chime in with I think it is more than just figuring out if this is too much, I think you are still trying to figure out WHO you want to be with. Her reply was a somewhat flippant, well that doesn’t matter anymore, too late to worry about that. I let it die there…


Then we had some peaceful, quiet time together on the couch. Kind of odd. Went to bed, neither of us were falling asleep real easy. Neither of us could get up to work out, too tired, so I asked her if she slept well…she said no. I honestly told her neither did I.

Then this morning, that opposite babble. Talks about the future and one year down the road.


M39 W41
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WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
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Flow and H4L -
In order to take care of me, I have to decided that I need to see an IC. I am probably beyond my abilities now and probably need help to ensure I take care of me.


M39 W41
Two children
WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09
Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10
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Separation Jan 11
EA ends again Feb 11
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Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
Then W talked about her and what she needs from IC. W said she needs to talk to IC to figure out what it is that is missing, what emotional need is not being filled, otherwise she will always be reaching out to someone else. I validated and said and if you figure that out, you need to communicate it to me and help me understand how to fill that need.


THIS sounds like the most positive thing I have read in a long time. I only get to dream of this conversation in my sitch. Your W is YEARS ahead of my H... I think your response was perfect. I hope she can truly follow through with this.


(Formerly blgp)
Me-35
H-33
Married 4 yrs
Together 9 yrs
"Bomb" 8/1/10
Separated 8/6/10
D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11

"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
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I think you are a remarkable person!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
Flow and H4L -
In order to take care of me, I have to decided that I need to see an IC. I am probably beyond my abilities now and probably need help to ensure I take care of me.
Good for you GW. Actually, you're showing that you have the ability to get support when needed and that is so important, in crises more than ever. IC has helped me a lot in my life, and it's helping me now.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
In order to take care of me, I have to decided that I need to see an IC.

(((GW))) I'm so glad you're valuing yourself enough to get the support you need. You deserve it.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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