I go back to TH's response. Is your NEW partner OK with you being friends with your Ex-Wife?
Maybe so, but in most cases, I'm betting not. That doesn't mean you can't be cordial or even friendly when it comes to your kids, but you probably cannot be friends.
I get this, but as a practical matter you presumably are going to be establishing some sort of relationship with your STBXS long before you have a new partner who is going to have any say in what you do.
All I get from this hemming and hawing is that you are having difficulty setting a healthy personal boundary. If you have trouble setting a boundary, you sure as heck aren't enforcing it.
It is not even healthy for you to be friends. Can you be civil? Yes. You don't have to be an @ss.
Can you be friends? Not healthy.
If she wants a divorce so that she can move on, how is 'being friends' going to help that happen? It isn't. Give her what she wants, and free yourself to have a healthy, productive life in the process.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
To me a friend is someone I can call up and make plans to do something. Enjoy spending time doing similair things.
I personally will not be my stbxw "friend". I am friendly towards her and wish her happiness but that's b/c she's the mother of my awesome two kids.
W's mom talked to me a few weeks ago about being at her place for S3 birthday party. Saying to me that she didn't want me to have regrets for not going.
I told her I had a party for him that weekend too and I didn't miss out on anything.
So decide what you want and work towrds it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Perhaps I'm a bit odd, but I don't have friends that betray me. I don't have friends that lie to me. And I certainly don't have friends that are actively trying to break up my kid's family. I've read too much research that documents the effects of divorce on children to sit and play nice with someone that is compromising my kid's furture.
I can be civil even to people I despise. It takes some work though.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
All I get from this hemming and hawing is that you are having difficulty setting a healthy personal boundary. If you have trouble setting a boundary, you sure as heck aren't enforcing it.
It is not even healthy for you to be friends. Can you be civil? Yes. You don't have to be an @ss.
Can you be friends? Not healthy.
If she wants a divorce so that she can move on, how is 'being friends' going to help that happen? It isn't. Give her what she wants, and free yourself to have a healthy, productive life in the process.
Eh. When we are separate it will be much easier to set and keep boundaries once I figure out what I want to do. I don't think I want to be friends with her, certainly not for me, but I am worried about her.
As of right now in our current situation, I guess I'll have to wing it. Should I not be there for here when she wants to tell me about something? Usually, it involves something she wants to share, or something she needs support with.
When we are separate it will be much easier to set and keep boundaries once I figure out what I want to do. I don't think I want to be friends with her, certainly not for me, but I am worried about her.
There's no time like the present to set a boundary.
Stop worrying about her. Did she ever stop to think that her action my of conseqences?
I am friendly(Civil) but other than stuff about the kids, I couldn't care less what she does. She's a big girl and makes her own decisions.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
When we are separate it will be much easier to set and keep boundaries once I figure out what I want to do. I don't think I want to be friends with her, certainly not for me, but I am worried about her.
There's no time like the present to set a boundary.
Stop worrying about her. Did she ever stop to think that her action my of conseqences?
I am friendly(Civil) but other than stuff about the kids, I couldn't care less what she does. She's a big girl and makes her own decisions.
Worrying about her is def one of my issues. I'm trying to deal with that. Sure she has thought about the consequences of her actions, but I refer back to the comparison to the drowning victim. She is just trying to save herself.
She lost her mother to ALS when she was about 14. That was preceded by a few years of her mother being there but being inaccessible. (It is not lost on me that do to certain tensions in our life, I may have been "there but inaccessible" as far as she was concerned.) It also made it impossible for her to learn to ask for anything because she could not ask her mother for anything. There are all kinds of attachment/guilt/modeling issues that resulted that I did not fully appreciate and ours is not the only relationship she is "walking away" from. It is also no coincidence that my daughter recently turned 14, as several professionals have told me. We also had a healthy does of the fear/shame dynamic going on. Throw in a bunch of other factors and we arrived at a perfect storm that shook apart what appeared to everyone to be a perfect marriage and life. Not really her fault. We were both victims of our own issues and she is not strong.
So, I worry about her and I believe that she would not be hurting us like this if she was not hurting more than any of us. Thus, my dilemma.
So, I worry about her and I believe that she would not be hurting us like this if she was not hurting more than any of us. Thus, my dilemma.
You are the lifeguard. Your wife and your daughter are in the water. Your wife is drowning and refuses your help. She wants to pull you under. What are you going to do?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
A lifeguard would be able to save her without letter her pull him under. Any way to do that, or do you have to abandon her and just let her drown?
How deep is the water?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
