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A Message from Michele
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Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: StillLearning] #2125172
01/30/11 08:35 PM
01/30/11 08:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
Originally Posted By: AlwaysLoveMyWife
My wife complained that I saw her as a possession and nothing she ever did for me was good enough. I have come to terms that I was verbally abusive to my W even though I never had any intention of ever hurting her.
I believe you ALMW...I believe my husband does not "intend" to hurt me; just control and completely RULE me as he thinks is "his god given right". Hope you have learned respect for her..
Quote:
I’ve worked on a lot of things but now W doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me and doesn’t believe I’ve changed.
After YEARS of NOT being heard by my LBS; I stopped talking. To try to convince an abusive spouse that "we have had enough" is too tiring.

Quote:
She is dating somebody else and that is a real test of my anger management along with the divorce papers I got yesterday and the fact that she wiped our computer clean so I couldn’t get at any old photos or videos.

I am sorry to hear that she began dating before your divorce; I do not intend to do that to my LBS; HOWEVER let's say that I will "not be waiting" to date my "first love" as soon as the divorce is final. The hunger for love is so veracious in us WAW; we have lived without it and WITH abuse for a LONG time and feel an urgency to "start our life over" and get it right this time...Sorry for you..glad to see that you are taking care of yourself during this.

Quote:
Can any of the WAW’s give me some clarity on this phenomenon? Thanks very much for any help.
I am sorry; you are calling NOT loving an abusive man and walking away a phenomenon...it is LIFE. Any woman who respects herself after living with a man who HAS NOT respected her realizes that she must RUN to be free of this oppression. Hope you find clarity and understanding to how your behavior has pushed her away and how you can "go on" and live a happy life without the possibility of "resolve". I know that I don't expect any resolve in my "marriage", dissolve is the closest thing that most of us abused wives get and some get it with the husbands having an affair and thus degrading the marriage and their value even more...sad.


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: theroadback] #2125173
01/30/11 08:42 PM
01/30/11 08:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38

  • constant criticism; the "you never do anything right" attitude
  • Name calling; anything from cruel and demented to "old goat" who nobody wants anymore
  • Discounting: I say something and he says "It isn't that way" (devalues her opinion and perspective and calls her sanity and "common sense" into question"
  • Contering: I never verbally abused you...YOU abused ME!!!!

    Patricia Evans books can be loaned to you from a local library; she has examples and phrases that we have heard, time and time again. These are "just a few" of the pervasive hateful and distrespectful attitudes and statements that an abusive husband or person treats others...usually spouse.


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: alamo76] #2125174
01/30/11 08:51 PM
01/30/11 08:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Posts: 38
Hi Alamo:
Glad to see that you can admit and heal from this addictive and abusive behavior...

I would suggest that you ask her kindly; away from your child if she would refrain from “correcting you” in front of him. Putting your foot down at this point might be equivalent to “putting your foot in your mouth”…is that really the kind of conversation that you want to have with her in front of your son??? You deserve respect but trust is another issue…

I would suggest that you do the housework; NOT take her money but put it into savings and get a job AND pay ½ of everything. Let her know that you have more respect for yourself that “to be paid” to care for your son or home and you will gladly do housework and work to pay your ½ of the household while supporting her for school. This is just parat of "earning your trust back" after the betrayal and pain that she has gone through. Good luck and God bless you for working on it...thre is hope but "too little too late" can come into play; it may not be possible to make up for what you have NOT given her in the past. Good luck and God bless.


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2125201
01/30/11 11:36 PM
01/30/11 11:36 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Benicia, CA
A
alamo76 Offline
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alamo76  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Benicia, CA
Freespirit, thank you for your reply and input. I am trying to come to grips that it might be too little too late as well. At this jucture, I know that whatever or any positives that occur between my wife and I, I consider it God intervening. I remain optimistic and hopeful, Freespirit.

I do have another question for you:
Are WAWs usually pretty resolute with their decision, be it to leave, separate, etc? It's an odd question but the reason I'm asking is because outwardly, on a day to day basis, my wife has and continues to say that she's done, she wants a divorce, or that I'm not her husband anymore, etc. But she still hasn't served me the divorce papers, she still wants me to do certain things as if we're still married (I've written extensively in my threads in Newcomers), sometimes gets emotional (anger with occasional breakdown) when talking about relationship-related topics, and snoops with my things (email, accounts). I know that some of what I mentioned may just be for her own convenience, but after speaking to a couple of my female friends who left their husbands who were addicts, I had the idea that WAWs were resolute, and not in as much turmoil like my wife is.

I also realize that that turmoil might have something to do with my wife's strong religious background. But that's another matter.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: alamo76] #2216434
01/27/12 09:38 PM
01/27/12 09:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 119
Virginia
R
Ruikee Offline
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Ruikee  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 119
Virginia
Good Afternoon,
I am a recovering verbal abuser and controller for 15 months now. I noticed some on this thread that are wondering if something is verbal abuse and control. I would like to put it this way. If it doesnt feel good, it is verbal abuse. Someone simply saying Shut Up is VA. There is a kind way to say that. Can you be quiet?
Please if it doesnt feel right, it isnt. This stuff really damages a persons soul. Please become educated on it and try to educate yourself on how to address it with your SO.
There are lives at stake here. Your own, your SO, your childrens, and their children etc.
I always knew something was amiss in my life. Just never could get to the bottom of it until my W left shortly after my only child was born.
And now 43 years later i finally have gotten to the source of it and have addressed it. It will continue to be a lifelong process and i am committed to it so it stops with me.
I had to make the choice of not having a relationship with both of my parents, since they still have not admitted that their behaviour towards each other and my siblings was wrong. In their eyes, it was ok and still is.
My brother has been in prison since he was 17 and is 2 years my younger.
My sister got pregnant at 16, father of child in jail. Her daughter got pregnant at 16 and no father as well.
The pattern continues until someone figures it out and tries with all their soul to stop it.

This is not a self pity story, it is life. Please try and address it the best way you can.
Send your SO if he is a male to the MEVAC site. And men, please do not think your wife is being VA to you, because if she is, she learned it from you.
You have to change first and hope the good behaviour will be relearned through you. But you have to admit it to yourself first, then try to educate yourself and be the best husband, father, person you can be.
Please if you have any questions i will try to help. My heart bleeds for anyone else that may have to experience this...

Blessings


M - 42
W - 41
Married 9 years July 24, 2010
WAW moved out 8-9-10
2nd Marriage for Both
S 2
SS 13 from W first Marriage
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: Ruikee] #2217025
01/29/12 11:32 PM
01/29/12 11:32 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 253
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DCSUK Offline
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DCSUK  Offline
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Hi Guys

I verbally abused my wife, I was drinking too much, lost all sense of reality really. I was jealous, controlling and generally not a nice person

I was drinking every night from getting home from work until I passed out on the sofa, I isolated her, and neglected her.

I knew it was happening, but did not see the effect it was having on her and our children, I was not a good father, I deeply loved my wife and children, but they never saw it.

15 months ago my wife left me, I was devasted, but still carried on drinking, with the drinking came more anger, more abuse, more arguments, if anything it probably strengthened her in her decision to leave me.

This carried on until 6 months ago, I woke up 1 day and knew I was a mess, something had to change.

I have not had a drink since that day, I attend AA meetings, and I'm a different person.

My wife has divorced me, I think, I'm not totally sure that the final decree has come through, but I class us as divorced.

I have my children 3 nights a week, and I'm now the parent my children always deserved.

My wife has a new partner, he was in the background when we split, I didn't know this until quite recently, again it hurts.

A little about us, we have been married 13 years and got 2 great kids, we both worked hard to get where we are, nice house, cars, holidays, etc

We have known wach other from being 10, we are both now 40, we have loved each other since we were 15-16, got together properly at 24.
We had a deeply loving, passionate relationship, we ML nearly every night, and found each other incredibly attractive, we were best friends, and loved each other.

My drinking became an issue about 5 years before we split, it was ok at first, but over the years became a big problem, hence the split.

Since I have stopped drinking, we are getting on great, we talk nearly everyday, I always try and leave all contact to come from her, and we are very honest with each other.

She has told me that she is still hurting badly from what happened, the OM is a good guy, a nice guy, but he would have never been an option if I had not hurt her.

She tells me that I have changed, and she is really happy for me, our children benefit from it mostly, and she has told me how happy it makes her seeing them with me, and how much they love me.

Today we had another talk about us, the hurt I caused, etc, and I accept what I did and why I'm where I am now.

I love this woman with all my heart, I have not only lost the love of my life, but also my best friend, we have both told each other that we miss each other, but she is still hurt from what I became, and the memories of me being abusive.

I know I don't deserve anything from this woman again, but I know that we still love each other, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her making her happy.

My question to all the people who have been abused is does the hurt heal with time, I know that time is my only friend in my situation.

I accept what I have done, I've changed back to me, I know I hurt her, but I cannot stop loving her

I can only hope that time can heal wounds, and maybe, just maybe, I can be with her again

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: DCSUK] #2217042
01/30/12 01:41 AM
01/30/12 01:41 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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time heals a lot.

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father.

Be the best dad you can be. Stay the course in your 12 step program...

and when the flaws of the OM show up, as they will, she will wonder "what IF?"

about you.

If & when she turns your way - make darn sure you are ready to be the h she deserves...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2217112
01/30/12 11:00 AM
01/30/12 11:00 AM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 253
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DCSUK Offline
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DCSUK  Offline
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Posts: 253
Thanks for the support

I have no worries about me and what I need to do, I just hope in time she does look back and wonder "what if"

That's all I want, then it's all down to me

And I will never hurt her or let her down again

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: DCSUK] #2217196
01/30/12 05:41 PM
01/30/12 05:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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DaddyLongShanks Offline
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DaddyLongShanks  Offline
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I was in an abusive environment for years, that stripped my dignity, quite a bit of my masculinity, the pain and constant battling took a large percenteage of my mind power.

In any case we spoke about it after the fact ( we're done ), and she was like "it takes two". As if I bailed on her in the relationship.

It was insanity but quite cold as it's obvious she is going to direct a majority of the blame over to me. I've already moved on to a different situation where we haven't had even one argument in months.

But in any case I learned something about the abuse. Respect and treatment are not something to take lightly. Listen to your spouse when they communicate with you non-verbally.

Abuse physical or emotional indicate a lack of respect. Once it's gone to this point, it's done in many cases. People have to run into their own things in life to want to change.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: DCSUK] #2217211
01/30/12 06:20 PM
01/30/12 06:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: DCSUK
Thanks for the support

I have no worries about me and what I need to do, I just hope in time she does look back and wonder "what if"

That's all I want, then it's all down to me

And I will never hurt her or let her down again




not to nitpick, but yes you will. We all do. But you will never ABUSE her again.

And when you do inadvertently or carelessly hurt her, or let her down

you'll own it asap and make amends. That's all we humans can do.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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