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A Message from Michele
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Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: soleil] #2096119
10/27/10 01:09 AM
10/27/10 01:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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thanks sunshine...that was sweet of you...I have read it...read all Patricia Evan's books; read most of the christian marriage and christian books on abusive behavior, etc..I am so tired of reading. I don't think I belong here because there is NO hope for this marriage; it is done. The only "tie" left is legal...

I think my LBS (yes, I LEFT him behind) was SO abusive that I did not walk, I ran and I am not going back. He has refused all decency and any voice of reason or counsel. I think he is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he will "not hear" me at all...curses me (on email, I still haven't responded) and then sounds like he wants me back but doesn't have the guts to admit that he "needs" me because HE is codependent and NEEDS ME TO NEED HIM and I DON'T...I won't and I don't even want to be hear him....

He continues to curse and accuse, deny and blame and act like a total fool while I am extricating myself from his life totally(all on email, I do not respond at all)...he can accuse me all he wants; I am not listening to his manipulative drivel. He has shown his absolute LACK of love and empathy and he will have plenty of time to sit and think about things when I am only a name on a piece of paper that he will be signing. He lost me...there is no marriage here to save.

He led me to this site with the "walk away wife" syndrome article MINUS the husband's responsibility because obnviously and I KNOW for a fact that he is not willing and probably will never take responsibility for his behavior because he is mentally unable to do so...NPD...Narcissistic Personality Disorder explains my life in H with him for the past 11 years and he says that I "abused him"...leaving him alone is abuse enough for him and he will just have to live with that. NO more narcissistic supply. He can get attention elsewhere, he doesn't have mine anymore.

I understand that there is such a thing as a "walk away spouse" but I would caution everyone to take what a LBS spouse may say with a grain of salt...MY LBS maintains that he has done nothing wrong and he has NOT verbally abused me...He is deceived and a liar. He is unloving and selfish and mentally ill on top of it. There is no "amount of love" from a good woman that can cure a heart that is disobedient to God to begin with...this walk away wife had GOOD reason and NOT TOO SOON at that.


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2096991
10/28/10 03:28 PM
10/28/10 03:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
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soleil Offline
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soleil  Offline
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Free, it sounds like you made a good decision if he won't even accept the fact that he was abusive to you. When people can't own their half of the breakdown of an M, and especially ABUSE, that is a huge red flag. No accountability = bad sign.

Did you file or did he? When is D happening?


Me: 29
Got a ticket to the D concert
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: soleil] #2100696
11/04/10 06:54 AM
11/04/10 06:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,836
California
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Butterfly1 Offline
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Butterfly1  Offline
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California
Free, you continue to be an inspiration to me as I follow your thread. Although my H left me, the other night he literally said I LEFT HIM. Now how did that work? He also filed a motion for 50% custody of S6 which sadly in my state he may get, especially being the narcissistic liar he is and his ability to charm and coerce. Then he started wanting to "negotiate" with me personally outside of mediation, yet said "I gave him no choice but to file his motion" which was full of lies about how I ABUSED HIM. How did that work again?

Power hungry, controlling, bas***ds is all they are. I hope to have the strength and conviction that you have in your running. Thank you for setting the bar high for me!


Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: Butterfly1] #2102107
11/06/10 09:20 AM
11/06/10 09:20 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: soleil
Did you file or did he? When is D happening?

Hi Soleil,...Nothing started YET...I have been advised to wait for him to file but I think that going on with separation agreement is the next move...ONE YEAR is when D "should" happen; or less...

Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Free, you continue to be an inspiration to me as I follow your thread. Although my H left me, the other night he literally said I LEFT HIM. Now how did that work? He also filed a motion for 50% custody of S6 which sadly in my state he may get, especially being the narcissistic liar he is and his ability to charm and coerce.


Hope4Luv; I just found a book for high conflict divorces; Spliting by Eddy Williams...they are so crazymaking...dont' try to make sense out of nonsense...take care of your self...
Quote:
Then he started wanting to "negotiate" with me personally outside of mediation,


I literally have "not talked" to my (now NPDh; narcissitic personality disordered husband---no wonder he claims that he will not change; it is NOT a mental illness but a PERSONALITY disorder and is "woven into his very fiber"...) since May.

Quote:
Power hungry, controlling, bas***ds is all they are.
Mine also, literally. Sad "little men" is what I call them...have to "put down a woman" to make themselves feel good.
Quote:
I hope to have the strength and conviction that you have in your running. Thank you for setting the bar high for me!


(((Hope4Luv))) I hope that for you too hon...get educated about how to deal with and what to expect from your high conflict "h" and don't let him "side swipe" you with something that you are not prepared for...saying a prayer about custody and that his "charming ways" will be revealed.Got documentation??? Advice I have heard says to "stay calm and present the NEEDS of the children" and your desire for their safety and growth as your FIRST concern. Don't whine about how he has treated you...per se...

Take good care of yourself...don't engage in private conversations or agree with him on anything without your L's consult...I am planning on "letting my L do the talking" once I get one...I have nothing to say and I want my lawyer to hear every word he has to say (and line it up with the promises, apologies and false claims and THREATS and abuse in his emails...


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2102109
11/06/10 09:27 AM
11/06/10 09:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 38
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freespirit Offline OP
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freespirit  Offline OP
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Since THIS is the web site that he referred me to; since this is the topic (Walk away wife) that he accuses me of being, I will just add a few more bits of information regarding the personality disordered person that I am currently married to...After a year of being separated from him; giving him ample opportunity and "last chances", after he has BLOWN his LAST chance he emails me with a 24 hr deadline to "return to him, be his wife, live with him and share in the bills"...LOL...ROFL....My response...NO REPLY.

He has GOT to be kidding...He may never admit to himself or me just HOW deeply troubled he must be to even consider sending such an inane email. It is CLASSIC of an abuser and one who thinks he controls another person. I told him that I had "WOULD NEVER" live with him and his daughter again. This is just another classic example of how they DO NOT HEAR US.

And for the record, I did not WALK AWAY, I ran!!!


M -12 Years
1 9 y son (w/me)
S-Nov 2009 (and LOVING it; will NEVER go back!)
D-soon
Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2110866
12/02/10 01:59 PM
12/02/10 01:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 84
PA
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StillLearning Offline
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StillLearning  Offline
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Posts: 84
PA
My wife complained that I saw her as a possession and nothing she ever did for me was good enough. I have come to terms that I was verbally abusive to my W even though I never had any intention of ever hurting her. I had rage problems and working on anger issues is something that I believe I will be doing for the rest of my life but I have made huge strides. I have gone to therapy because I was threatening suicide to get my W to talk to me and I am on anti-depressants. I’ve worked on a lot of things but now W doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me and doesn’t believe I’ve changed. She is dating somebody else and that is a real test of my anger management along with the divorce papers I got yesterday and the fact that she wiped our computer clean so I couldn’t get at any old photos or videos.

I have slipped up and done some subtle blaming (which she called me on) and I try to take solace in the fact that I am not denying it anymore. When I do not blame, when I ignore something that would make me angry, or when I simply validate her feelings without arguing it seems to make her even angrier at me. Can any of the WAW’s give me some clarity on this phenomenon?

Thanks very much for any help.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: soleil] #2118409
01/06/11 06:53 AM
01/06/11 06:53 AM
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theroadback Offline
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Hello fs,
I am wondering if you could post a few examples of the verbal or emotional abuse, like specific words he used or was it tone of voice basically, how exactly did he abuse you? If I am off base here I am sorry. I am just trying learn. Some books on the subject give such broad example of abuse to suck you into buying the book. I sure would like to hear it straight from a person that has gone through it.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: theroadback] #2118561
01/06/11 09:45 PM
01/06/11 09:45 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 10
TX
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allie12 Offline
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Posts: 10
TX
I would also like some examples, I think it's been happening to me, however the books are not clear. I don't want to blame my H for Verbal Abuse if I am not 100% sure. I got things like You don't know how to have a conversation, so I am not going to talk to you. I got you shouldn't use the oven when it's hot outside. He blew out candles saying I was going to burn the house down. But then he was so nice at other times, and I think he really does love me. I am just so confused, I read one book that said if you've ever felt hurt by something your H said it was verbal abuse, and well I felt hurt a lot, but he just said he was only joking or I took it the wrong way. I just want to make sure I am not crazy.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: allie12] #2118636
01/07/11 03:01 AM
01/07/11 03:01 AM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 101
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theroadback Offline
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theroadback  Offline
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I could see where that would make you feel bad/hurt but verbal abuse I don't know. I think we all need to have somewhat of a thick skin, people in general say stupid things that make you bad. I dont think they or your.husband mean to make you feel bad. Maybe you should call him on it. say I am not 2 years old I can burn a candle without burning the house down and light it back up.

Re: Abusive spouse accuses "WAW" as "the" problem [Re: freespirit] #2120038
01/13/11 02:46 AM
01/13/11 02:46 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Benicia, CA
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alamo76 Offline
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I am also a husband who emotionally, spiritually and mentally abused his wife. For six years, I put her through my addiction with porn, lies and anger (both to cover my guilt and my addiction). Counselling only worked for a couple or so months, then I would relapse again. I even did it when she was pregnant with our son. I was also not a proper man and provider for her when we were cash strapped; I would wait for the good-paying jobs rather than deliver pizza or work at a supermarket to make ends meet.

So finally after a 6 month separation, she announced she wants a divorce. The separation itself woke me up big time. I renewed my once close relationship with God, became accountable to my elders and close church friends, have been taking care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually. My reawakening has also made me fall deeply in love with my wife again, but unfortunately now there's no one there to receive that love. I am trying hard to show her (by actions) that I mean it this time, and not like every other time I "promised" I wouldn't go back to porn. We still live in the same house, but because she's in medical school, which takes up most of yout energy and time each day, she has no obligation to notice my changes. It hasn't helped either that I lost my job the same week she announced the separation (not related). I've applied to pretty much everything under the sun, but no bites yet. And this has definitely made her more sure than ever to divorce me.

DB & DR have helped me greatly, besides prayer and the hope that God can soften hearts as well as He can harden them.

I do have a couple of questions, though:
1. I'm trying to be nice and positive whenever I'm with my wife, but because of the great amount of resentment and fear she has, she doesn't trust me with our 2 year old son, and downright questions my techniques and motives in front of him. Do I just say something like "ok, I'm sorry, I'll keep that in mind", or do I need to put my foot down when it comes to our child?
2. Because of my job situation, she now wants to pay me (with her school loans) to do chores and other things, which I already do since she's been so tied up in med school. She wants me to have money to pay for half of everything, but I principally do not like the idea of her paying me. Lately this has become her hot button issue. I know she notices my changes I'm trying to make and 180s, and yet she has been skirting to other things like work and money to find reasons to maintain her decision. I know she resents and doesn't trust me, but her skirting is driving me crazy. I don't know what to expect each time she confronts me.

Thanks for letting me rant, but I'm an former addict and wife abuser who hopes that I can offer and share with my wife the love that she truly deserves.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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